- I don’t know.
- I don’t, either, but you should. After all, you are the one who came back here
after such a long time.
- Don’t judge me, please. I don’t even know what to think. I missed you
and had this strange sensation that I should come back here… It was here that
we…
- Don’t you think it is odd you saying you’re missing us, after all
these years?
- Don’t do that. It’s not fair to any of us.
At that right
moment, we heard an excited shriek coming from the beach side. That little
distraction was more than appropriate to break a little the tense atmosphere
created between us.
- Look at her, playing in the seawater. Some things do not change…ever…
She has been fascinated by the sea ever since she was a little girl.
- She’s grown up so much.
-She is almost a woman, now. A gift from heaven.
- Oh. Well, since when you do believe in heavens? She is a gift, yes,
from life… from the Universe... I miss you, did you know that?
I felt a kind of a
nostalgia embracing me… I knew he was feeling the same. I detected some sadness
in his eyes. My soul was in pain, as was my head. I looked out and saw her
coming to the restaurant where we were almost distractedly drinking our usual
strong black coffee.
- Look at this. I got my pants all soaked in the sea. I did not expect
that. Now I need to clean and dry this out… what a mess! And I need some water.
I’m thirsty.
We laughed at her.
- Get some at the counter, my love. The place is almost quiet now.
She ran into the
restaurant. I followed her with my eyes. I noticed I was being observed as well
and I turned my head to face him. I knew that expression so very well.
- What now?
- I miss us…
My chest hurt. My
soul was aching. My eyes were sore. I could not say anything, but felt the
tears running down my face.
- Don’t cry.
- Me? Cry? Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous!
He laughed, not
believing my words, for a change.
- Dad? Are you OK?
- I’m alright, my love! Sit with us for a little while.
- So, tell me how things are at school.
She straightened up
and spoke out. She loved talking about school and her plans for the University.
***
The ocean was
always like that. I imagined it as being a huge lion roaring insistently,
trying to scare me out, but never succeeding. In my head it could try, but
would never scare me away. The effect was the opposite: it used to calm me down
and make me think about my life, my memories, my past, my things…
I loved that place.
I had good and bad memories, but the good ones had always been the great
majority of them. Over that cliff above my head I could see myself a long time
before.
- Do you need anything, sir?
- Huh? No, thanks. I’m alright.
That pale skin did
not match that place. Nor did those eyes. He looked like a foreigner.
- May I ask you something? I don’t want to be nosy. It’s more out of
curiosity.
- You may, but I don’t promise any reply.
- Of course.
The intrusion had
been a little rash, but I thought the man was probably bored of having no one
to talk to. I was not used to talk to strangers, especially in this land, but I
was at the same time so used to coming every weekend to that same place and
restaurant, that I felt like I had known the manager from a long date. He was
always courteous and always smiled at my coming in. He was not really a
stranger, but he was not a friend either…
- Do you want me to bring you some local pastry to go with the coffee?
- Was that the question you wanted to ask me? If it was, the answer is
yes, but one only, please…
He smiled. He knew
I noticed he was trying to decide whether or not to ask me something he would
not feel comfortable with and trying to have the courage to do so. He asked the
waiter to bring two cream pastries
under my protest.
- It’s been a long time I noticed you come here every Saturday
afternoon, bring the baby for a ride, order a coffee, sits outside and in
silence, watching the sea for a long time and then leave.
- And?
- And I ask myself why you never bring the child’s mother. Are you
separated?
- We are… in a way...
- OK. I got it. I’m sorry for the intrusion and the curiosity.
- It’s OK. Never mind.
I did not think he
understood it. For some reason I had the urge to tell him a little more, thing
that was not common with strangers, but I did not see a problem, as he was
being nice, in spite of his curiosity.
- She passed away. We were very good friends. This place brings me good
memories of the times we were together.
The man looked at
me, serious, almost trying to apologize. The child was sleeping in the baby car
seat at my side.
- I’m really sorry. I did not want to be intrusive.
- No problem. It was an accident. There is nothing we can do now,
anyway.
- Well, you can live. It’s the best for her, who has the whole life
ahead of her.
- Indeed. That’s true. She is everything I have. She is very precious.
- I believe you.
He stared at me for
a fraction of a second. I kept my eyes in his stare. He blushed immediately,
like a child who is caught doing something that he was not allowed to.
- I’ll leave you alone now.
He left almost in a
hurry. I followed him with my eyes as he walked into the restaurant. As soon as
he reached the threshold, he stopped and turned around. It was my turn to
blush.
- Well, well… what was that supposed to be, after all?
***
I was stretching
out in the sun in the deck chair outside with my shirt unbuttoned. He touched
the weird sketched scar on my chest with his pale fingers. I shook.
- Don’t be afraid. I mean no harm.
- I’m not afraid.
- It’s a big scar.
- It was an accident: a stupid accident from a clumsy man.
- I don’t believe it was stupid. Is it related to what happened to your
wife?
- She was very ill.
The tumour was detected in one of the routine exams during her pregnancy. She
could not be put under chemotherapy as it was very risky for the child’s
health. But the illness made her very weak. This was one of her favourite spots.
We were walking down the trail by the cliff when she felt dizzy and slipped. I
was right behind her and tried to hold her, but it was too sudden and I was not
strong enough to get the grip on her. I tripped and fell down with my chest hitting
the rock right at her side. It was not that accident that killed her. She was
taken to hospital, after that, but her health got worse and worse. We decided
to take the baby out so to try and put her under chemo, but it was too late. We
saved the child but not the mother. It was not a sudden death, but it was very
painful… to all of us.
- Does it still hurt?
- A little… sometimes…
- I’ve never got married. I think I’ve never met the right person.
- We’d got married for the sake of the baby. It was the right thing to
do and the best for the child.
- I understand. Do you think you would do the same thing again, if you
could?
- I have no regrets. But life is not a game. You don’t decide to live
again or do the same things again, making the same mistakes as an option. Time
changes people and the circumstances as well…
- Did you love each other?
That same question
again. I’d always answered it the same way.
- We were very god friends. We had always been “partners in crime”, so
to speak, since the school times together. We went to the same university,
graduated at the same time, left home and shared an apartment downtown to
develop our careers and our lives independently from our parents.
- But that was not love…
- But it was not love, in the physical sense. It was more of a
brother/sister relationship, I think.
-I understand.
Did I notice a hint
of a smile when he answered almost harmlessly? Or was that my naïve impression?
***
…”For a taste of your love and
I need to taste some more
Wave goodbye to heaven for me
I've thrown it all away
Just to spend one more night with you”…(*)
I need to taste some more
Wave goodbye to heaven for me
I've thrown it all away
Just to spend one more night with you”…(*)
(*) One more night with you : Ged McMahon
- I like this version. I doesn’t have the power of the female voice, but
it is good anyway. It sounds like a story I know so well…
I looked at her and
imitated her way of speaking and voice.
- If I said everything I knew…
- Hah! You better not say anything else.
- True.
We laughed. She got
up from where she was and lay down on the couch with her head on my lap.
- Dad?
- Huh?
- It wouldn’t be a problem if he’d come and lived with us again, would
it?
- What do you mean?
- I know this is what he wants. I don’t see a problem, do you? He likes
us… and we like him…
- How do you know? He didn’t say anything about it.
- Yet… but this is what I feel.
- He went away with an excuse that was not really convincing. God knows
if that was the true reason. It all sounded like a bit of cowardice from his
part.
- People change, dad. He must have suffered.
- Him? Only him?
She kissed my
hands. Her eyes were fixed on my serious face. She tried to smile, being
condescending with the emotional father she knew so well. I tried not to cry…
***
