One More Night (Part 2)

- I don’t know.

- I don’t, either, but you should.  After all, you are the one who came back here after such a long time.

- Don’t judge me, please. I don’t even know what to think. I missed you and had this strange sensation that I should come back here… It was here that we…

- Don’t you think it is odd you saying you’re missing us, after all these years?

- Don’t do that. It’s not fair to any of us.

At that right moment, we heard an excited shriek coming from the beach side. That little distraction was more than appropriate to break a little the tense atmosphere created between us.

- Look at her, playing in the seawater. Some things do not change…ever… She has been fascinated by the sea ever since she was a little girl.

- She’s grown up so much.

-She is almost a woman, now. A gift from heaven.

- Oh. Well, since when you do believe in heavens? She is a gift, yes, from life… from the Universe... I miss you, did you know that?

I felt a kind of a nostalgia embracing me… I knew he was feeling the same. I detected some sadness in his eyes. My soul was in pain, as was my head. I looked out and saw her coming to the restaurant where we were almost distractedly drinking our usual strong black coffee.

- Look at this. I got my pants all soaked in the sea. I did not expect that. Now I need to clean and dry this out… what a mess! And I need some water. I’m thirsty.

We laughed at her.

- Get some at the counter, my love. The place is almost quiet now.

She ran into the restaurant. I followed her with my eyes. I noticed I was being observed as well and I turned my head to face him. I knew that expression so very well.

- What now?

- I miss us…

My chest hurt. My soul was aching. My eyes were sore. I could not say anything, but felt the tears running down my face.

- Don’t cry.

- Me? Cry? Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous!

He laughed, not believing my words, for a change.

- Dad? Are you OK?

- I’m alright, my love! Sit with us for a little while.

- So, tell me how things are at school.

She straightened up and spoke out. She loved talking about school and her plans for the University.

***

The ocean was always like that. I imagined it as being a huge lion roaring insistently, trying to scare me out, but never succeeding. In my head it could try, but would never scare me away. The effect was the opposite: it used to calm me down and make me think about my life, my memories, my past, my things…

I loved that place. I had good and bad memories, but the good ones had always been the great majority of them. Over that cliff above my head I could see myself a long time before.

- Do you need anything, sir?

- Huh? No, thanks. I’m alright.

That pale skin did not match that place. Nor did those eyes. He looked like a foreigner.

- May I ask you something? I don’t want to be nosy. It’s more out of curiosity.

- You may, but I don’t promise any reply.

- Of course.

The intrusion had been a little rash, but I thought the man was probably bored of having no one to talk to. I was not used to talk to strangers, especially in this land, but I was at the same time so used to coming every weekend to that same place and restaurant, that I felt like I had known the manager from a long date. He was always courteous and always smiled at my coming in. He was not really a stranger, but he was not a friend either…

- Do you want me to bring you some local pastry to go with the coffee?

- Was that the question you wanted to ask me? If it was, the answer is yes, but one only, please…

He smiled. He knew I noticed he was trying to decide whether or not to ask me something he would not feel comfortable with and trying to have the courage to do so. He asked the waiter to bring two cream pastries under my protest.

- It’s been a long time I noticed you come here every Saturday afternoon, bring the baby for a ride, order a coffee, sits outside and in silence, watching the sea for a long time and then leave.

- And?

- And I ask myself why you never bring the child’s mother. Are you separated?

- We are… in a way...

- OK. I got it. I’m sorry for the intrusion and the curiosity.

- It’s OK. Never mind.

I did not think he understood it. For some reason I had the urge to tell him a little more, thing that was not common with strangers, but I did not see a problem, as he was being nice, in spite of his curiosity.

- She passed away. We were very good friends. This place brings me good memories of the times we were together.

The man looked at me, serious, almost trying to apologize. The child was sleeping in the baby car seat at my side.

- I’m really sorry. I did not want to be intrusive.

- No problem. It was an accident. There is nothing we can do now, anyway.

- Well, you can live. It’s the best for her, who has the whole life ahead of her.

- Indeed. That’s true. She is everything I have. She is very precious.

- I believe you.

He stared at me for a fraction of a second. I kept my eyes in his stare. He blushed immediately, like a child who is caught doing something that he was not allowed to.

- I’ll leave you alone now.

He left almost in a hurry. I followed him with my eyes as he walked into the restaurant. As soon as he reached the threshold, he stopped and turned around. It was my turn to blush.

- Well, well… what was that supposed to be, after all?

***

I was stretching out in the sun in the deck chair outside with my shirt unbuttoned. He touched the weird sketched scar on my chest with his pale fingers. I shook.

- Don’t be afraid. I mean no harm.

- I’m not afraid.

- It’s a big scar.

- It was an accident: a stupid accident from a clumsy man.

- I don’t believe it was stupid. Is it related to what happened to your wife?

- She was very ill. The tumour was detected in one of the routine exams during her pregnancy. She could not be put under chemotherapy as it was very risky for the child’s health. But the illness made her very weak. This was one of her favourite spots. We were walking down the trail by the cliff when she felt dizzy and slipped. I was right behind her and tried to hold her, but it was too sudden and I was not strong enough to get the grip on her. I tripped and fell down with my chest hitting the rock right at her side. It was not that accident that killed her. She was taken to hospital, after that, but her health got worse and worse. We decided to take the baby out so to try and put her under chemo, but it was too late. We saved the child but not the mother. It was not a sudden death, but it was very painful… to all of us.

- Does it still hurt?

- A little… sometimes… 

- I’ve never got married. I think I’ve never met the right person.

- We’d got married for the sake of the baby. It was the right thing to do and the best for the child.

- I understand. Do you think you would do the same thing again, if you could?

- I have no regrets. But life is not a game. You don’t decide to live again or do the same things again, making the same mistakes as an option. Time changes people and the circumstances as well…

- Did you love each other?

That same question again. I’d always answered it the same way.

- We were very god friends. We had always been “partners in crime”, so to speak, since the school times together. We went to the same university, graduated at the same time, left home and shared an apartment downtown to develop our careers and our lives independently from our parents. 

- But that was not love…

- But it was not love, in the physical sense. It was more of a brother/sister relationship, I think.

-I understand.

Did I notice a hint of a smile when he answered almost harmlessly? Or was that my naïve impression?

***

…”For a taste of your love and 
     I need to taste some more 
    Wave goodbye to heaven for me 
    I've thrown it all away 
    Just to spend one more night with you”…(*)

 (*) One more night with you : Ged McMahon

 - I like this version. I doesn’t have the power of the female voice, but it is good anyway. It sounds like a story I know so well…

I looked at her and imitated her way of speaking and voice.

- If I said everything I knew…

- Hah! You better not say anything else.

- True.

We laughed. She got up from where she was and lay down on the couch with her head on my lap.

- Dad?

- Huh?

- It wouldn’t be a problem if he’d come and lived with us again, would it?

- What do you mean?

- I know this is what he wants. I don’t see a problem, do you? He likes us… and we like him…

- How do you know? He didn’t say anything about it.

- Yet… but this is what I feel.

- He went away with an excuse that was not really convincing. God knows if that was the true reason. It all sounded like a bit of cowardice from his part.

- People change, dad. He must have suffered.

- Him? Only him?

She kissed my hands. Her eyes were fixed on my serious face. She tried to smile, being condescending with the emotional father she knew so well. I tried not to cry…

***

One More Night (Part 1)

- This is at least the fifth time you hear this same song in a row…

- Yeah. I know.

- What’s up?

- Nothing…. that really matters.

- Yeah. Right. If you need something, just tell me so. I’m heading to bed.

- OK.

I did not turn around. My mind was too busy contemplating the immense and dark void ahead of my eyes, to an invisible line beyond the horizon, where the ocean met the starry pitch-black firmament.

The night was fresh and quiet and it was quite enjoyable to stay by the shore. It was late and there was almost no noise on the streets of the neighbourhood. A strange silence embraced me with its cold arms, chilling me up and giving me goose bumps. I shivered, but I knew it was not because of the cold.

The song started again. The singer’s strong and pungent voice filled my senses and hit me like an ice stalactite falling from the dark and gloomy ceiling of a cave, into the calm waters of a lagoon, rippling the surface and hitting the deep unscathed darkness.

How many mysteries and secrets can be hidden below that apparently quiet and undefaced surface?

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, diving into my own well of thoughts. Each word of that song was serving as a background to a kaleidoscopic sequence of images which brought my past back to the present with a cruel and vivid emotional distinctness.

…” They say that love can move a mountain
    They say love can break your heart 
   They say love can make you forget 
   Things that happened in the past” …  (*)

(*) One more night with you : Ged McMahon featuring Kaz Hawkins

If those words were true, I had never experienced anything that could be close to those emotions… so far…

***

I touched the scar with my fingertips, as if caressing a dear pet.

It is incredible how we get used to wounds left in our bodies and souls and we tend to touch them every time we feel weak, as if it would give us some comfort or lessen the pain or our so protected solitude. It is the same as petting our errors, giving them a more condescending view. It is like trying to protect our hearts from the consequences of our sins, hoping for a chance and opportunity to have our souls saved.

…”So wave goodbye to heaven for me

  I've thrown it all away

 Just to spend one more night with you”…(*)

- Are you still like that?

- Like what?

- You know. I’m not a child anymore. You don’t need to try and fool me…

- I know.

My hands swept the piano keys, lightly, perhaps trying instinctively to forget those chords that had kept on hammering my mind for weeks already.

I read somewhere someday that the piano keys denote our feelings. The white represent the good emotions and the black, the pain and the bad sensations. The harmony, however, comes from the balance between them. You cannot make good music without playing both, as life cannot be fully and truly lived without the balance between the good and the bad emotions.

- You should play the song up to the last chord. It’s the best way to exorcize the pain away forever and for good.

I looked at her in awe. She was a very wise young woman. So I played it. Not necessarily to exorcize anything, but to feel the pain as alive as if it were being felt for the first time at that very moment.

I played the beginning of the song as a nocturne, with my fingers gently stroking the white keys and slightly touching the black ones, as if I was caressing my soul and its pain. The music took my body and emotion and my voice, weak at the beginning, became like a cry filled with melancholy, a blues feeling, with all my nerves reacting to the sequence of notes and chords… and words. My eyes and my soul overflowed…

…” They say that love can last forever
    They say love can last a day 
    They say love is like an ocean 
    For us to sail away” … (*)

I was going down to the bottom of the well, to get the impulse and go back to the surface. I needed to go to the bottom of the bottom or else I would never come back with strength enough to overcome the pain.

***

- Was it here?

- Yes.

- Let’s walk down there.

- No, we won’t.

- Yes, we will. Come with me.

She led the way before I could even answer or protest, descending the path from the top of the sea cliff. My stomach ached. I followed in silence. That foot track was not safe and I had to keep close to her just in case, although I knew there was no real reason to worry about.

When we reached the bottom of the trail, the white sandy beach was invitingly tempting, even though it was still early spring. The ocean roared, like a beast trying to threaten us. I did not feel intimidated, though. I was born on the island, so I always faced the sea as a comrade, not a foe. You should respect, but never fear a true old friend.

We walked along the shore for a while, with our feet in the chilly waters and our heads worried only with our own individual thoughts. A group of noisy seagulls were flying over our heads and the wind blew almost fiercely against our faces.

- It was an accident, wasn’t it?

- Yes, it was… an unhappy accident.

- Did you two love each other very much?

I did not think about it.

- We were very good friends, since our school days.

- This is not an answer.

- I know. It’s not.

She looked at me with that ‘questioning the truth’ look knowing that there was no truth to be revealed anymore.

- Then why did you two decide to have a child, after all?

- Because she wanted it. It was the best decision to have a child from that respectful relationship we had, than waiting for a love that would never come. She was a very practical woman. She knew we would love and respect the child above it all.

- And you never regretted that decision?

- Of course not! Why would we?

- Don’t know… there was no love…

- It was a very wise decision, based on true respect and care. She was afraid of getting old and never being able to become a mother. She wanted it so dearly. You know what women are like…

- Haha… Yeah, right!

We laughed out loud. My pale smile could not hide the awkwardness of having to tell her the same thing for the millionth time.

- Do you think you two were happy?

- Perhaps, before the…

- It’s odd…

- What?

- Your relationship. The illness. The accident.

- It’s not odd. The accident was caused by the disease.

- But you too could have died.

- I don’t think so. I fell down when I tried to help her… I was so clumsy…

- The scar is big.

- The pain is bigger!

She shut it up. The sea seemed to explode against the rocks. She walked away in silence for a while, then she turned around to face me. She squinted her eyes as if trying to see better something that was behind me. For a moment I felt a shadow crossing her face.

- Dad?

- What?

- Is that him on top of the cliff?

- Uh? What the hell is he doing up there?

***