Homeward (Part 1)

As I walked off the front door, I was so distracted I almost bumped into the man who was passing by. He looked at me for less than one second, as if he was either cursing me or intending to kill me, but said nothing. I did not say anything other than murmur an embarrassed “I’m sorry” and went back on my way away from there.

There was something familiar about that man. His pale face and the blond-almost-ginger beard called my attention for some reason. He was a tall young man, maybe around his mid-thirties, his blond hair getting thin on top of his head, nice average looking body, without being athletic, but very far from being overweight.

He was busy with his phone, so he did not pay me more attention than I deserved: a mere few milliseconds.

There was a bus stop right in front of the building and that was where he stood.

If I was not nearly on time for an important appointment, I would find an excuse to come back and look at him just once more and a little longer than I did. But I was almost late…

***

- I feel like crying.

- Why?

- I’m not sure…

- Then who could be?

He looked at me, as if I was saying the worst nonsense of all.  I tried to hold my tears but could not. My heart was, for some reason, so heavy. He said nothing else. He knew me too well.

- Take me home, please.

- “Home is where your heart is”…

- You always say that.

- I do… because I know you like it.

- I do. But today I just want to feel protected. Let me be quietly embraced by you.

He just hugged me. And I cried.

***

- Will you tell me what’s going on?

- I don’t know if I can.

He turned around to face me. How could I explain that what I was feeling was really unexplainable? Would he ever understand that I sometimes was haunted by my own past?

- Do you want to be left alone? For a while?

- No. Not really.

- Then, come with me.

- Where to?

- To the beach. I know how the sea makes you feel good. You need that now.

I smiled and followed the man, who did not even wait for my answer. He was so sure I would follow him, he just assumed that was the right thing to do… And so we drove to the beachside, almost completely away from most of the people, in order to recharge our batteries… or better saying: to try and recharge my batteries.

We walked some distance all along the beach, with our feet in the cool waters. The air was fresh and as the time passed, the temperature slowly went down. It was late in the afternoon.

We leaned on the pier rail for a while, in silence, just watching the sun go down, enjoying the scenery and absorbed by our own private thoughts. My mind wandered away in time.

I saw myself a long time before, sitting on the white beach sand and watching the waves coming up and down for a long while to finally die by the shoreline in an explosion of sound and foam. My mind was elsewhere.

***

Time passed by so quickly. There were some people still walking by and a few fishermen around, each busy with their own businesses and acting as if I was just part of the whole scenery, which I was, in fact… for them. I looked around and decided I should go home, before it got dark.

There were some seagulls still flying above, probably trying to catch some fish, either from the sea directly or from some careless fishermen. One of the big birds suddenly dove into the air, almost hitting my head while I walked past, playing with my feet in the fresh waters. I ducked as quickly as I could but I lost my balance. I closed my eyes while I was falling down, sure that I was going to get all wet. For some reason, the unexpected happened and I neither went down in the water nor did I get wet. I was held in the mid-air.

- What happened?

- I saw it was going to happen and came to your aid.

- Huh?

The man, a tall and handsome blond was holding me tight with both hands. I felt his strong legs between mine and his muscled arms around my body. I recovered my balance and he released his grip.

- I’m sorry.

- Oh, don’t be. I was seeing myself going home all soaking wet. Thank you.

He smiled. I looked into his eyes. They were so blue.

- Oh, sweet Lord!

- What?

- Nothing. I’m sorry.

- Are you OK now?

- I am, thanks. Sorry I disturbed your fishing.

- No problem. I was just having some moments to myself after a day in the office.

- Do you have the time?

- I do… some… maybe… what for?

I laughed.

- I meant: what time is it now?

- Almost eight in the evening.

- Oh. So late. I did not realize it was that late. I gotta go.

He held my hand. I was speechless. For some reason I felt a chill going up my spine.

- Don’t go… yet… Would you have a cup of coffee with me? One day? Today? Now?

- Erm... I... don’t… know…

- Well, then just say yes!

***

I felt his arms around my waist. He pulled me closer to him and kissed my face, in a very natural way. For some reason I thought he was remembering the same occasion I was. Our minds can be funny sometimes. I smiled and kissed his cheek.

***

We decided to have dinner together, at a fancy restaurant downtown. It was located almost at the top of the street, in an old house, remodelled and modernized to fit the needs of a clientele used to the vegan and vegetarian new fashion in food serving. The white and light-blue plaster vine decorations climbed up the walls to the ceiling of the back room. The wooden floor seemed to be still the original one. Double-leaf doors give view to a patio illuminated by carefully chosen old-fashioned lamp posts. A large colourful fuchsia bougainvillea grew on the right side of the orchard, close to a line of white painted heavy cast iron furniture, probably used on sunny days or early summer evenings. 

The special mushroom risotto was exquisitely prepared and served with flamboyant mastery. I detected a hint of balsamic in the rich and creamy dish. It tasted like nothing I had savoured before. A chilled fruity white wine was chosen to accompany the dish and we shared a delicate dessert called “Chocolate Decadence”, followed by black coffee.

We paid the bill and went down the steps of a staircase at the entrance and gained the street. The wind was blowing fresher and we thought the night was pleasant for a side by side walk. We were enjoying being with each other, without talking much. Life can be so simple and good at the same time.

I thought of cats living their simple lives with simple pleasures and desired not much more than that. But we are just humans living like humans the best way we can. What else for a nice plate, a warm bed and a cuddling?

We heard the thunder very close by. I quivered a little.

- Are you afraid?

- No. Not really.

- Good. Then we need to go faster. It seems we’ll have rain very soon.

Before we reached the parking lot, however, the rain fell heavy and cold over our warm bodies. When we got to the car, we were soaking wet and feeling very cold. I turned the heat on and got rid of the wet shirt and shoes.

Then we saw him, standing by the gate and backgrounded by the heavy rain falling down…

***

One More Night (Part 2)

- I don’t know.

- I don’t, either, but you should.  After all, you are the one who came back here after such a long time.

- Don’t judge me, please. I don’t even know what to think. I missed you and had this strange sensation that I should come back here… It was here that we…

- Don’t you think it is odd you saying you’re missing us, after all these years?

- Don’t do that. It’s not fair to any of us.

At that right moment, we heard an excited shriek coming from the beach side. That little distraction was more than appropriate to break a little the tense atmosphere created between us.

- Look at her, playing in the seawater. Some things do not change…ever… She has been fascinated by the sea ever since she was a little girl.

- She’s grown up so much.

-She is almost a woman, now. A gift from heaven.

- Oh. Well, since when you do believe in heavens? She is a gift, yes, from life… from the Universe... I miss you, did you know that?

I felt a kind of a nostalgia embracing me… I knew he was feeling the same. I detected some sadness in his eyes. My soul was in pain, as was my head. I looked out and saw her coming to the restaurant where we were almost distractedly drinking our usual strong black coffee.

- Look at this. I got my pants all soaked in the sea. I did not expect that. Now I need to clean and dry this out… what a mess! And I need some water. I’m thirsty.

We laughed at her.

- Get some at the counter, my love. The place is almost quiet now.

She ran into the restaurant. I followed her with my eyes. I noticed I was being observed as well and I turned my head to face him. I knew that expression so very well.

- What now?

- I miss us…

My chest hurt. My soul was aching. My eyes were sore. I could not say anything, but felt the tears running down my face.

- Don’t cry.

- Me? Cry? Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous!

He laughed, not believing my words, for a change.

- Dad? Are you OK?

- I’m alright, my love! Sit with us for a little while.

- So, tell me how things are at school.

She straightened up and spoke out. She loved talking about school and her plans for the University.

***

The ocean was always like that. I imagined it as being a huge lion roaring insistently, trying to scare me out, but never succeeding. In my head it could try, but would never scare me away. The effect was the opposite: it used to calm me down and make me think about my life, my memories, my past, my things…

I loved that place. I had good and bad memories, but the good ones had always been the great majority of them. Over that cliff above my head I could see myself a long time before.

- Do you need anything, sir?

- Huh? No, thanks. I’m alright.

That pale skin did not match that place. Nor did those eyes. He looked like a foreigner.

- May I ask you something? I don’t want to be nosy. It’s more out of curiosity.

- You may, but I don’t promise any reply.

- Of course.

The intrusion had been a little rash, but I thought the man was probably bored of having no one to talk to. I was not used to talk to strangers, especially in this land, but I was at the same time so used to coming every weekend to that same place and restaurant, that I felt like I had known the manager from a long date. He was always courteous and always smiled at my coming in. He was not really a stranger, but he was not a friend either…

- Do you want me to bring you some local pastry to go with the coffee?

- Was that the question you wanted to ask me? If it was, the answer is yes, but one only, please…

He smiled. He knew I noticed he was trying to decide whether or not to ask me something he would not feel comfortable with and trying to have the courage to do so. He asked the waiter to bring two cream pastries under my protest.

- It’s been a long time I noticed you come here every Saturday afternoon, bring the baby for a ride, order a coffee, sits outside and in silence, watching the sea for a long time and then leave.

- And?

- And I ask myself why you never bring the child’s mother. Are you separated?

- We are… in a way...

- OK. I got it. I’m sorry for the intrusion and the curiosity.

- It’s OK. Never mind.

I did not think he understood it. For some reason I had the urge to tell him a little more, thing that was not common with strangers, but I did not see a problem, as he was being nice, in spite of his curiosity.

- She passed away. We were very good friends. This place brings me good memories of the times we were together.

The man looked at me, serious, almost trying to apologize. The child was sleeping in the baby car seat at my side.

- I’m really sorry. I did not want to be intrusive.

- No problem. It was an accident. There is nothing we can do now, anyway.

- Well, you can live. It’s the best for her, who has the whole life ahead of her.

- Indeed. That’s true. She is everything I have. She is very precious.

- I believe you.

He stared at me for a fraction of a second. I kept my eyes in his stare. He blushed immediately, like a child who is caught doing something that he was not allowed to.

- I’ll leave you alone now.

He left almost in a hurry. I followed him with my eyes as he walked into the restaurant. As soon as he reached the threshold, he stopped and turned around. It was my turn to blush.

- Well, well… what was that supposed to be, after all?

***

I was stretching out in the sun in the deck chair outside with my shirt unbuttoned. He touched the weird sketched scar on my chest with his pale fingers. I shook.

- Don’t be afraid. I mean no harm.

- I’m not afraid.

- It’s a big scar.

- It was an accident: a stupid accident from a clumsy man.

- I don’t believe it was stupid. Is it related to what happened to your wife?

- She was very ill. The tumour was detected in one of the routine exams during her pregnancy. She could not be put under chemotherapy as it was very risky for the child’s health. But the illness made her very weak. This was one of her favourite spots. We were walking down the trail by the cliff when she felt dizzy and slipped. I was right behind her and tried to hold her, but it was too sudden and I was not strong enough to get the grip on her. I tripped and fell down with my chest hitting the rock right at her side. It was not that accident that killed her. She was taken to hospital, after that, but her health got worse and worse. We decided to take the baby out so to try and put her under chemo, but it was too late. We saved the child but not the mother. It was not a sudden death, but it was very painful… to all of us.

- Does it still hurt?

- A little… sometimes… 

- I’ve never got married. I think I’ve never met the right person.

- We’d got married for the sake of the baby. It was the right thing to do and the best for the child.

- I understand. Do you think you would do the same thing again, if you could?

- I have no regrets. But life is not a game. You don’t decide to live again or do the same things again, making the same mistakes as an option. Time changes people and the circumstances as well…

- Did you love each other?

That same question again. I’d always answered it the same way.

- We were very god friends. We had always been “partners in crime”, so to speak, since the school times together. We went to the same university, graduated at the same time, left home and shared an apartment downtown to develop our careers and our lives independently from our parents. 

- But that was not love…

- But it was not love, in the physical sense. It was more of a brother/sister relationship, I think.

-I understand.

Did I notice a hint of a smile when he answered almost harmlessly? Or was that my naïve impression?

***

…”For a taste of your love and 
     I need to taste some more 
    Wave goodbye to heaven for me 
    I've thrown it all away 
    Just to spend one more night with you”…(*)

 (*) One more night with you : Ged McMahon

 - I like this version. I doesn’t have the power of the female voice, but it is good anyway. It sounds like a story I know so well…

I looked at her and imitated her way of speaking and voice.

- If I said everything I knew…

- Hah! You better not say anything else.

- True.

We laughed. She got up from where she was and lay down on the couch with her head on my lap.

- Dad?

- Huh?

- It wouldn’t be a problem if he’d come and lived with us again, would it?

- What do you mean?

- I know this is what he wants. I don’t see a problem, do you? He likes us… and we like him…

- How do you know? He didn’t say anything about it.

- Yet… but this is what I feel.

- He went away with an excuse that was not really convincing. God knows if that was the true reason. It all sounded like a bit of cowardice from his part.

- People change, dad. He must have suffered.

- Him? Only him?

She kissed my hands. Her eyes were fixed on my serious face. She tried to smile, being condescending with the emotional father she knew so well. I tried not to cry…

***

One More Night (Part 1)

- This is at least the fifth time you hear this same song in a row…

- Yeah. I know.

- What’s up?

- Nothing…. that really matters.

- Yeah. Right. If you need something, just tell me so. I’m heading to bed.

- OK.

I did not turn around. My mind was too busy contemplating the immense and dark void ahead of my eyes, to an invisible line beyond the horizon, where the ocean met the starry pitch-black firmament.

The night was fresh and quiet and it was quite enjoyable to stay by the shore. It was late and there was almost no noise on the streets of the neighbourhood. A strange silence embraced me with its cold arms, chilling me up and giving me goose bumps. I shivered, but I knew it was not because of the cold.

The song started again. The singer’s strong and pungent voice filled my senses and hit me like an ice stalactite falling from the dark and gloomy ceiling of a cave, into the calm waters of a lagoon, rippling the surface and hitting the deep unscathed darkness.

How many mysteries and secrets can be hidden below that apparently quiet and undefaced surface?

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, diving into my own well of thoughts. Each word of that song was serving as a background to a kaleidoscopic sequence of images which brought my past back to the present with a cruel and vivid emotional distinctness.

…” They say that love can move a mountain
    They say love can break your heart 
   They say love can make you forget 
   Things that happened in the past” …  (*)

(*) One more night with you : Ged McMahon featuring Kaz Hawkins

If those words were true, I had never experienced anything that could be close to those emotions… so far…

***

I touched the scar with my fingertips, as if caressing a dear pet.

It is incredible how we get used to wounds left in our bodies and souls and we tend to touch them every time we feel weak, as if it would give us some comfort or lessen the pain or our so protected solitude. It is the same as petting our errors, giving them a more condescending view. It is like trying to protect our hearts from the consequences of our sins, hoping for a chance and opportunity to have our souls saved.

…”So wave goodbye to heaven for me

  I've thrown it all away

 Just to spend one more night with you”…(*)

- Are you still like that?

- Like what?

- You know. I’m not a child anymore. You don’t need to try and fool me…

- I know.

My hands swept the piano keys, lightly, perhaps trying instinctively to forget those chords that had kept on hammering my mind for weeks already.

I read somewhere someday that the piano keys denote our feelings. The white represent the good emotions and the black, the pain and the bad sensations. The harmony, however, comes from the balance between them. You cannot make good music without playing both, as life cannot be fully and truly lived without the balance between the good and the bad emotions.

- You should play the song up to the last chord. It’s the best way to exorcize the pain away forever and for good.

I looked at her in awe. She was a very wise young woman. So I played it. Not necessarily to exorcize anything, but to feel the pain as alive as if it were being felt for the first time at that very moment.

I played the beginning of the song as a nocturne, with my fingers gently stroking the white keys and slightly touching the black ones, as if I was caressing my soul and its pain. The music took my body and emotion and my voice, weak at the beginning, became like a cry filled with melancholy, a blues feeling, with all my nerves reacting to the sequence of notes and chords… and words. My eyes and my soul overflowed…

…” They say that love can last forever
    They say love can last a day 
    They say love is like an ocean 
    For us to sail away” … (*)

I was going down to the bottom of the well, to get the impulse and go back to the surface. I needed to go to the bottom of the bottom or else I would never come back with strength enough to overcome the pain.

***

- Was it here?

- Yes.

- Let’s walk down there.

- No, we won’t.

- Yes, we will. Come with me.

She led the way before I could even answer or protest, descending the path from the top of the sea cliff. My stomach ached. I followed in silence. That foot track was not safe and I had to keep close to her just in case, although I knew there was no real reason to worry about.

When we reached the bottom of the trail, the white sandy beach was invitingly tempting, even though it was still early spring. The ocean roared, like a beast trying to threaten us. I did not feel intimidated, though. I was born on the island, so I always faced the sea as a comrade, not a foe. You should respect, but never fear a true old friend.

We walked along the shore for a while, with our feet in the chilly waters and our heads worried only with our own individual thoughts. A group of noisy seagulls were flying over our heads and the wind blew almost fiercely against our faces.

- It was an accident, wasn’t it?

- Yes, it was… an unhappy accident.

- Did you two love each other very much?

I did not think about it.

- We were very good friends, since our school days.

- This is not an answer.

- I know. It’s not.

She looked at me with that ‘questioning the truth’ look knowing that there was no truth to be revealed anymore.

- Then why did you two decide to have a child, after all?

- Because she wanted it. It was the best decision to have a child from that respectful relationship we had, than waiting for a love that would never come. She was a very practical woman. She knew we would love and respect the child above it all.

- And you never regretted that decision?

- Of course not! Why would we?

- Don’t know… there was no love…

- It was a very wise decision, based on true respect and care. She was afraid of getting old and never being able to become a mother. She wanted it so dearly. You know what women are like…

- Haha… Yeah, right!

We laughed out loud. My pale smile could not hide the awkwardness of having to tell her the same thing for the millionth time.

- Do you think you two were happy?

- Perhaps, before the…

- It’s odd…

- What?

- Your relationship. The illness. The accident.

- It’s not odd. The accident was caused by the disease.

- But you too could have died.

- I don’t think so. I fell down when I tried to help her… I was so clumsy…

- The scar is big.

- The pain is bigger!

She shut it up. The sea seemed to explode against the rocks. She walked away in silence for a while, then she turned around to face me. She squinted her eyes as if trying to see better something that was behind me. For a moment I felt a shadow crossing her face.

- Dad?

- What?

- Is that him on top of the cliff?

- Uh? What the hell is he doing up there?

***

Oblivion (Part 2: Going Back)

- No. It’s impossible!

- Read it again, please. Try to read between the lines. It’s small, its surface is reflective, and it has not been detected by the telescopes until it was too close, but too fast to be followed by the cameras in the satellites… Look at the picture. Don’t you think it is…?

- Stop it. That can’t be anything from an alien planet…

- But it can be from our planet, in another era, ahead of this time, can’t it?

- You’re trying to confuse me.

- I’m just trying to find a way, a theory, a response, a way out…

- You know I’m not a scientist. How many times do I need to remind you of this?

- You’re made of the best genetic material there was… there is… there will be… Oh, man... How can I put it right?

- Just don’t.

- Think with me. Try to think as a scientist, please. You’ve survived because you’re one of the most skilled and prepared beings. Just use your brain in a practical way.

- I survived because I was sent back in time a few seconds before the explosion… And I was not the only one, as you know.

- Think! Please?

That man with very pale skin looked very seriously at the young men in front of him and spoke his heart.

- In the era where I came from there were no such types of transports. We used to travel using time-transport terminals, which were a lot more efficient. The only vehicle I was introduced to was the one that brought me here when the planet exploded and that was absolutely outdated, but still efficient for the purpose. The man who destroyed the planed used it so not to be detected by the system which monitored the terminals. The capsule was sent to the past through a slit deliberately opened in time, by him, at the moment of the explosion. That would never have the format of your ‘Oumuamua’ thing. It might have come from the past, not the future and it’s been probably travelling for many hundred, maybe thousands of years…

- Then you agree that it is from another planet.

- I don’t agree or disagree with anything. We have very little information about it to conclude anything with a good accuracy. All we have are theories. What I said was that it did not come from the same place and time I came from...

 

The pale man looked to the two young soldiers. His eyes were showing a kind of deep sadness when he completed the sentence.

- …And to where and when I will never come back again. The only way to get in touch with the future is if someone in the future wants to get in contact with us, here in the past. There is no other way. And we know that is not possible anymore. That future is not there, anymore, anyway…

***

- I told you to stop this nonsense.

- I know. But there was a chance, anyway. And now, what?

- Now we go back to our normal lives, as usual. Let the past stay where it belongs to.

- Perhaps there is another way…

- Don’t start with this again.

The two young men looked at each other’s faces. The one wearing glasses had a distant expression and a funny grin decorating his young face.

***

- What? Didn’t you have enough of this yet? Why do you want to go back there?

- I have to. I would like you to come with me, if you don’t mind.

- I do mind, of course, but I will. That area is still forbidden, you know. Hope we don’t get in trouble.

- Nobody will ever know we’d been there.

- Anyway, we better take care. I’m sure that site is still being monitored somehow.

- We will be OK.

- Yeah. Right.

***

The young soldier wearing glasses seemed to be so far away, in the middle of the immense desolation field that their childhood village turned into, after the explosion. His eyes were filled with tears of sadness and homesickness.

The other soldier looked around in silence. He was not as distracted as his friend, but was also filled with childhood memories, when they used to play from there to the river or when they climbed the mountain and camped up there, on their summer holidays.

It was weird to be there, in the middle of what used to be their homes, watching the empty desert that land had become. The mountain was just a hill now and there was an immense crater, where the nuclear base used to be. The base disappeared completely underneath the dry and sterile soil. The desolation of the place was an evidence that it still kept radioactive activity, which kept any and every thing from growing healthy from that earth. The soldiers had taken precautions, but they knew they could not stay in that place for long, for obvious reasons.

- We’ve got to go now. There is nothing else in here that we can still see. As expected, all’s gone.

- OK. Let’s go. Could we go to the mountain before we leave for good?

- What for?

- It was over there where it all happened. I think I need to go there and resolve the situation in my head. Not all’s gone yet, you know.

- I don’t really like this, but it’s OK. We need to be quick, however.

They drove the Jeep up to the mountain through the old road to the base. Almost at the summit, they had to stop where the earth split open as a large crack, impeding them to go any further. They’d hopped off the vehicle and walked along the side of the crevice, trying to find a place where they could cross over to the other side. The opening was deep and large. They would have to jump over, if they could find a place where the distance was short enough for them to do so.

They finally got to a spot, south-eastern of the main base, where the two sides of the crack seemed to be closer to each other and decided that would be the right place to try and jump over to the other side. The young man wearing glasses ran and crossed over the open mouth of the mountain. His friend followed him. They’d climbed up to the border of the crater, which was deep and about eighty meters in diameter. The nuclear base was totally buried in the dry ground. There was no sign of what was before, for the ones who did not know the place, but not for them.

- There is nothing here anymore, as you can see. Funny how different this is now. Everything is dead buried underneath this sterile soil, just like the past now. We really have to go now. It’s too risky to be here for long.

The young man wearing glasses looked around, took a deep breath and sighed.

- Yeah.

The two friends got back their way down to the place where they could cross back again to where the Jeep was. The first one jumped over to the other side. When he hit the ground, he felt the earth quailed underneath his feet. He turned around and saw the horror on his friend’s face.

- Quick! Jump over here!

The soldier wearing glasses did as he was told to, but the earth quaked again and the crack started opening more apart. He lost his balance and fell slowly into the slit. He tried to hold on to something on the way but the earth was very dry and loose and he could not avoid sliding down.

- Oh, no! Not again!

- Hold on. Try to find something to hold on to while I get the hook and the rope we have in the Jeep.

The young man wearing glasses did not respond. He just looked down and tried to find anything that would make him stop sliding down, but that crack seemed to be hungry with its open mouth ready to slowly swallow him down its throat.

He did not shout. He just tried to stop the descending by using his fingers and feet, but all he got was more than just some scratches. He saw a kind of a metal tube hanging from the side of the wall and tried to move his body towards it. He turned around, lost his grip from the collapsing ground and jumped over the tube, which got off free from the wall and fell down with him into the deep and dark void.

***