One More Night (Epilogue)

We heard the doorbell ring. My daughter got up and walked on to the door, checked the door viewer and immediately opened it.

- May I come in?

- Yes, of course.

I turned around without saying anything, when I recognized the voice.

- May we talk for a minute or so? I promise I won’t be long.

She grabbed her things up as if she was late for something and said:

- I have to go to the supermarket urgently. There are some things I need to buy. I’ll be right back. Please feel at ease.

That strategy was her way of showing how worried she was and that she wanted us to be alone and sort our things out without any interference. The wise girl knew how to do the things so we could catch up. I knew that would not be easy anyway.

He came closer, without smiling, showing some evident apprehension. I did not smile either. He rubbed his hands and said, very low:

- I know I’ve been an asshole…

***

He looked at me with his bright blue eyes. I could hold my stare for much long, as I was afraid of my own feelings about him. My head was spinning, and I felt confused about the things I had just heard.

- Are you not going to say anything?

- I don’t know what to say. I was not expecting to hear these kinds of things this way, anyway.

- But that’s what I feel. I know you must be thinking I have to be sure about my feelings before diving deep into it, but I believe in what I feel despite my insecurities. I’ve never thought something like that would happen to me, but I’d rather try and fail, than never try… and I want to try it… with you…

- This is not going to be at all easy; you know…

- I know. It never is. But this is only about us and no one else. We don’t have to explain anything to anyone anyway.

- I don’t know what to say. This is something new to me. I don’t even know how to react.

- I don’t either, but we can try together. We have nothing to lose…

He stood up and took my hands into his. I tried to avoid his stare, but could not, as the power his eyes had over me was too strong. He put his arms around my waist and pulled me closer, embracing me without hesitation or worries. I did not think much. I just rested my head on his chest and let myself go. I barely knew at that time that our involvement would be a lot deeper than a simple embrace.

***

- After so long, why now?

- I thought I could be away, but I was wrong. I’ve never stopped thinking about you two.

- And what happened to your “new life”?

He noticed the irony and stress I referred to when saying that expression he used when he told us he was going back to his home place to take care of his family business. It sounded like a very poor excuse, but he said he promised his family he would take over the family business if his father passed away. He knew I would not follow him but there were always different acceptable ways to sort some things out. He decided to be away and we’d lost contact, as time went by, naturally.

Unfair, not committed, selfish and irresponsible were but a few of the words I used to refer to him, at the time, but I suspected there were a lot more behind that decision. He was afraid of commitments, as far as I could tell, and our relationship was getting too serious.

Anyway, we went on with our lives, my daughter and I, as it should be, without him, for as long as we could. She grew up, went to school and studied what she liked, became a very responsible and focused person. We had always avoided talking about the past. She was just a child when he left, but she could remember what was happening between the two of us and she missed his attention and care too.

- I’m all alone now. I don’t belong anywhere.

- I see. And what does it change?

- It doesn’t change anything, but I thought a lot about everything. I had plenty of time to do so.

- And you don’t belong to anyone either, do you?

- I’ve never belonged to anyone. You know it better than anyone. And there was no one else in my life since I left you. I was too busy with my work but missed you a lot and was always thinking about you two, believe me.

I looked at him without truly believing a man like him would be all by himself, without anyone, for so long. It was almost impossible. I decided not to argue, anyway. It was not important anymore and I was not into quarrelling about such things.

- How long are you staying around?

I was not sure I should have asked that. I was afraid of the answer.

- I don’t really know.

Perfect answer, being the same as no answer at all. As usual on similar occasions, he answered without answering.

- I see. What are you here for, after all?

- Because I missed you too much and not only...

I looked away.

- Look at me.

I tried to run away but could not.

- What do you want from me?

- Another chance. I know I’ve been stupid, and I’ve made lots of mistakes leaving you the way I did, but I thought a lot about it, and I regret making you suffer because of my non-sense. I want it to go right this time.

I wanted to beat him… hard…

I was tired, sad and angry for what we had gone through and did not know what to think anymore. I just knew I knew nothing about anything at all.

He stood up, held my hands and said:

- Come with me.

- What? Where to?

- Just come with me!

- And the girl?

- Leave her a message. She is not a child anymore and she will understand. We won’t be long, anyway.

***

- I love this place!

- Me too, but we did not come here to watch the sea, did we?

- Yes, we did.

I looked at him, trying to find out if he was being serious or not. He just looked ahead to the horizon, very serious. The ocean was wild as was my heart. He walked two steps behind me. Being taller, he stood behind, then pulled me closer to him in a sudden warm embrace. He laid his chin on my shoulder, his face touching mine. So he whispered in my ears:

- What I want most is to be with you here or wherever. I’m tired of fighting against myself. I want you so much and don’t want to waste another second of my life.

- I should beat you hard, do you know that?

- You can be sure I do.

From where we were, I could hear the old song coming from the loudspeakers on the porch of the restaurant I went to so often in the past, for a coffee and a chat. And it went on…

…” They say that love can move a mountain
      They say love can break your heart 
      They say love can make you forget 
      Things that happened in the past

      For I've tasted your love and
      I need to taste some more 
      So wave goodbye to heaven for me
      I've thrown it all away 
      Just to spend one more night with you”…  (*)

      (*) One more night with you: Ged McMahon 

***

One More Night (Part 3)

Κι αν ρωτήσεις πώς περνάω  … (And if you ask me how I am doing

θα σου πω δυο ψέματα                I will tell you two lies

ένα πως δε σ' αγαπάω                One that I do not love you

κι ένα πως σε ξέχασα (*)           And the other that I’ve forgotten you)…

(*) Dyo Psemata (δυο ψέματα): Antonis Remos

- Do you still remember?

- Of course I do. Some things just cannot be erased from our memories, can they?

- I guess not.

- And those words were so true.

- Against my will. I’m so sorry.

- What for?

He looked at me as if to say the most important and revealing thing in his life, but said nothing. That was the opportunity of a lifetime and if missed there would never be another one. He lowered his eyes.

I shook my head, frustrated. Feeling completely distressed I walked off to the seashore. I needed some “me-time” and to breath some fresh air freely and all by myself.

I felt too small facing the immense and menacing vastness of the ocean. The conflict in my mind was as scary as was everything around me. I was not sure if I was feeling anger or the urge to hug him and ended everything that separated us from each other, but that absence of positive attitude made me refrain from doing anything, so I decided I should not keep false expectations. Maybe that story had gone too far and ended after all, in spite of my poorly nourished hope.

I closed my eyes and inhaled the saline and iodate air of the ocean roaring in front of me. That filled my lungs and my spirit with such a good sensation, I could almost go back to my past and bring good memories to feed my aching soul.

I acknowledged that being alive was reason enough to be grateful regardless of all the things I had gone through. I had my gorgeous daughter and she was even more precious to me than my own life. I realized I had sowed quite a good amount of profitable seeds and I should be happy with what I had reaped. 

I took another deep breath and turned around. It was time to go back and take care of my own life…

***

The night was nice and fresh. The door to the balcony was open so to allow the breeze to blow through the house. I sat at the piano and started singing the same song that moved me so much. That time I was redeemed. That sorrow that filled my soul was an old comrade, but did not have the same effect on me anymore. I could look at it from a distance and move forward, although the scar would still be there to remind me of my past.

 She sat by my side and followed me on the harmony and vocals.

…” They say that love can move a mountain
      They say love can break your heart 
      They say love can make you forget 
      Things that happened in the past

      For I've tasted your love and
      I need to taste some more 
      So wave goodbye to heaven for me
      I've thrown it all away 
      Just to spend one more night with you”…  (*)

      (*) One more night with you: Ged McMahon

- This is quite a sad thing, isn’t it?

- It is indeed. But I don’t want to complain. It’s not fair.

- She lay her head on my shoulder, while I was touching the keyboard so lightly it felt like a respectful caress. I sensed the anguish coming up to my throat and I could not sing or talk anymore. Two tears rolled down my face while my body shuddered as if convulsing.

She embraced me and, with her head in my chest, wept with me in the centre of the living room which seemed as immense as the ocean outside. 

***

A gentle breeze was blowing from the sea, bringing that familiar air into my nostrils. It was early spring and I felt lazy in the comfort of the deck chair. I stretched my legs and closed my eyes. The afternoon sun was shining bright, warm enough to be enjoyed at its full. I felt like photosynthesising. My baby daughter was sleeping soundly in the pushchair at my side, duly sheltered from the sun and the wind.   

It seemed a dark cloud covered the sun for a moment. I opened my eyes and noticed I there was a silhouette of a man between me and the sun.

- I’m sorry.

- What?

- I didn’t want to disturb, but the baby woke up and was a little uneasy so I thought it would be a good idea to check if she was OK. It seemed to me that you’ve fallen asleep. Do you want me to bring you anything?

The baby was just looking at me with her big green eyes, but without any sound. I must have fallen asleep for a while and did not hear her waking up, which was not usual. Either I was very tired or too relaxed not to notice something like that.

- Ah… no, thanks. I’m alright.

I got up and looked for the baby water bottle in the backpack. The water was warm, for being exposed to the direct sun.

- Thinking better, I will need a bottle of fresh water, please. This is beyond the acceptable temperature.

- I’ll ask the waitress to bring one. Would you like a cup of coffee too?

- Good idea. I guess I’ll need one. Thanks.

I wondered the reason why he was so nice to me, beyond what was expected by a normal customer. It was pleasant, of course, but I was not used to that kind of things.

The waitress brought the water and two cups of coffee and laid them down on the table. I looked at her, astounded, but I soon realized why so. The manager came and sat with me, showing some assumed familiarity and said.

- I hope I’m not being too pushy if I sit here with you for a while.

- Of course not. Feel at ease.

- I really love this time of the day. It’s so calm and peaceful and I simply love this light and the colours. It feels like the world stops turning for a moment just so we can savour a strong and aromatic coffee.

I looked at him overwhelmed not only by the light poetry of what he said, but also by the way he expressed himself so freely, fluently and confidently.

He smiled.

- What? Did I say anything wrong?

- No. Not really. On the contrary. It was very well said.

- So?

- I was not expecting it from you… just that…

He pretended not to feel amused by having me surprised and sipped his coffee, very calmly and looking at the sea lazily stretching its arms out over the white and fine sand. I pretended to be checking the girl but noticed he laughed quietly.

- May I ask you a question?

He laughed.

- You can, but I might not answer.

Wise guy. He was using my speech.

- Why do you treat me like that?

- Like what?

- Being so kind and showing this gentle familiarity without being pushy or too intimate. I am just a customer. 

- Perhaps not. I’m a man used to living alone and I can make out a similar fellow when I see one. You’re always here alone with your baby girl but never among friends. Don’t you feel lonely?

- Not really. I guess I have always been like this, introverted and busy with my own things instead of being among lots of people.

- I understand. Don’t you miss being with someone?

I ran away from the question.

- Oh. I have someone and she is adorable.

He chuckled.

- Well, I do. Although I have always been a man of short-time affairs, I miss being with someone sometimes.

- Funny. We have never talked about this before.

- I know. It’s a proof of some trust isn’t it?

- I believe so. And would you tell me why have you only had short-term affairs?

- I think I take too long to have faith in people. I’ve been through some situations and lost confidence and trust in most…

The sentence was left unfinished leaving space for imagination and questioning.

- I think I’m also like that. We are so similar.

- I see. What a pair!

He raised the cup and said, smiling:

- A toast to the loners!

- A toast to the loners!

I had not noticed before that there was music playing from the loudspeakers on top of the porch. The song was an old one which was very familiar to me. I felt like singing the chorus.

Κι αν ρωτήσεις πώς περνάω   (Ki an ro̱tí̱seis pó̱s pernáo̱)  (And if you ask me how I am doing

θα σου πω δυο ψέματα            (ha sou po̱ dyo psémata)    I will tell you two lies

ένα πως δε σ' αγαπάω              (éna po̱s de s ' agapáo̱)      One that I do not love you

κι ένα πως σε ξέχασα (*)          (ki éna po̱s se xéchasa)      And the other that I’ve forgotten you)

(**) Dyo Psemata (δυο ψέματα): Antonis Remos

- Do you know this song?

- I surely do but I’d never expect to hear it right here. It’s an old Greek song…

- Do you know the meaning of the lyrics?

- As a matter of fact, I do. It’s such a sad song, in my opinion.

He looked at me, serious. Then he said something that caught me in surprise.

- It is, indeed. But I would never want a thing like that to happen to us.

***

One More Night (Part 2)

- I don’t know.

- I don’t, either, but you should.  After all, you are the one who came back here after such a long time.

- Don’t judge me, please. I don’t even know what to think. I missed you and had this strange sensation that I should come back here… It was here that we…

- Don’t you think it is odd you saying you’re missing us, after all these years?

- Don’t do that. It’s not fair to any of us.

At that right moment, we heard an excited shriek coming from the beach side. That little distraction was more than appropriate to break a little the tense atmosphere created between us.

- Look at her, playing in the seawater. Some things do not change…ever… She has been fascinated by the sea ever since she was a little girl.

- She’s grown up so much.

-She is almost a woman, now. A gift from heaven.

- Oh. Well, since when you do believe in heavens? She is a gift, yes, from life… from the Universe... I miss you, did you know that?

I felt a kind of a nostalgia embracing me… I knew he was feeling the same. I detected some sadness in his eyes. My soul was in pain, as was my head. I looked out and saw her coming to the restaurant where we were almost distractedly drinking our usual strong black coffee.

- Look at this. I got my pants all soaked in the sea. I did not expect that. Now I need to clean and dry this out… what a mess! And I need some water. I’m thirsty.

We laughed at her.

- Get some at the counter, my love. The place is almost quiet now.

She ran into the restaurant. I followed her with my eyes. I noticed I was being observed as well and I turned my head to face him. I knew that expression so very well.

- What now?

- I miss us…

My chest hurt. My soul was aching. My eyes were sore. I could not say anything, but felt the tears running down my face.

- Don’t cry.

- Me? Cry? Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous!

He laughed, not believing my words, for a change.

- Dad? Are you OK?

- I’m alright, my love! Sit with us for a little while.

- So, tell me how things are at school.

She straightened up and spoke out. She loved talking about school and her plans for the University.

***

The ocean was always like that. I imagined it as being a huge lion roaring insistently, trying to scare me out, but never succeeding. In my head it could try, but would never scare me away. The effect was the opposite: it used to calm me down and make me think about my life, my memories, my past, my things…

I loved that place. I had good and bad memories, but the good ones had always been the great majority of them. Over that cliff above my head I could see myself a long time before.

- Do you need anything, sir?

- Huh? No, thanks. I’m alright.

That pale skin did not match that place. Nor did those eyes. He looked like a foreigner.

- May I ask you something? I don’t want to be nosy. It’s more out of curiosity.

- You may, but I don’t promise any reply.

- Of course.

The intrusion had been a little rash, but I thought the man was probably bored of having no one to talk to. I was not used to talk to strangers, especially in this land, but I was at the same time so used to coming every weekend to that same place and restaurant, that I felt like I had known the manager from a long date. He was always courteous and always smiled at my coming in. He was not really a stranger, but he was not a friend either…

- Do you want me to bring you some local pastry to go with the coffee?

- Was that the question you wanted to ask me? If it was, the answer is yes, but one only, please…

He smiled. He knew I noticed he was trying to decide whether or not to ask me something he would not feel comfortable with and trying to have the courage to do so. He asked the waiter to bring two cream pastries under my protest.

- It’s been a long time I noticed you come here every Saturday afternoon, bring the baby for a ride, order a coffee, sits outside and in silence, watching the sea for a long time and then leave.

- And?

- And I ask myself why you never bring the child’s mother. Are you separated?

- We are… in a way...

- OK. I got it. I’m sorry for the intrusion and the curiosity.

- It’s OK. Never mind.

I did not think he understood it. For some reason I had the urge to tell him a little more, thing that was not common with strangers, but I did not see a problem, as he was being nice, in spite of his curiosity.

- She passed away. We were very good friends. This place brings me good memories of the times we were together.

The man looked at me, serious, almost trying to apologize. The child was sleeping in the baby car seat at my side.

- I’m really sorry. I did not want to be intrusive.

- No problem. It was an accident. There is nothing we can do now, anyway.

- Well, you can live. It’s the best for her, who has the whole life ahead of her.

- Indeed. That’s true. She is everything I have. She is very precious.

- I believe you.

He stared at me for a fraction of a second. I kept my eyes in his stare. He blushed immediately, like a child who is caught doing something that he was not allowed to.

- I’ll leave you alone now.

He left almost in a hurry. I followed him with my eyes as he walked into the restaurant. As soon as he reached the threshold, he stopped and turned around. It was my turn to blush.

- Well, well… what was that supposed to be, after all?

***

I was stretching out in the sun in the deck chair outside with my shirt unbuttoned. He touched the weird sketched scar on my chest with his pale fingers. I shook.

- Don’t be afraid. I mean no harm.

- I’m not afraid.

- It’s a big scar.

- It was an accident: a stupid accident from a clumsy man.

- I don’t believe it was stupid. Is it related to what happened to your wife?

- She was very ill. The tumour was detected in one of the routine exams during her pregnancy. She could not be put under chemotherapy as it was very risky for the child’s health. But the illness made her very weak. This was one of her favourite spots. We were walking down the trail by the cliff when she felt dizzy and slipped. I was right behind her and tried to hold her, but it was too sudden and I was not strong enough to get the grip on her. I tripped and fell down with my chest hitting the rock right at her side. It was not that accident that killed her. She was taken to hospital, after that, but her health got worse and worse. We decided to take the baby out so to try and put her under chemo, but it was too late. We saved the child but not the mother. It was not a sudden death, but it was very painful… to all of us.

- Does it still hurt?

- A little… sometimes… 

- I’ve never got married. I think I’ve never met the right person.

- We’d got married for the sake of the baby. It was the right thing to do and the best for the child.

- I understand. Do you think you would do the same thing again, if you could?

- I have no regrets. But life is not a game. You don’t decide to live again or do the same things again, making the same mistakes as an option. Time changes people and the circumstances as well…

- Did you love each other?

That same question again. I’d always answered it the same way.

- We were very god friends. We had always been “partners in crime”, so to speak, since the school times together. We went to the same university, graduated at the same time, left home and shared an apartment downtown to develop our careers and our lives independently from our parents. 

- But that was not love…

- But it was not love, in the physical sense. It was more of a brother/sister relationship, I think.

-I understand.

Did I notice a hint of a smile when he answered almost harmlessly? Or was that my naïve impression?

***

…”For a taste of your love and 
     I need to taste some more 
    Wave goodbye to heaven for me 
    I've thrown it all away 
    Just to spend one more night with you”…(*)

 (*) One more night with you : Ged McMahon

 - I like this version. I doesn’t have the power of the female voice, but it is good anyway. It sounds like a story I know so well…

I looked at her and imitated her way of speaking and voice.

- If I said everything I knew…

- Hah! You better not say anything else.

- True.

We laughed. She got up from where she was and lay down on the couch with her head on my lap.

- Dad?

- Huh?

- It wouldn’t be a problem if he’d come and lived with us again, would it?

- What do you mean?

- I know this is what he wants. I don’t see a problem, do you? He likes us… and we like him…

- How do you know? He didn’t say anything about it.

- Yet… but this is what I feel.

- He went away with an excuse that was not really convincing. God knows if that was the true reason. It all sounded like a bit of cowardice from his part.

- People change, dad. He must have suffered.

- Him? Only him?

She kissed my hands. Her eyes were fixed on my serious face. She tried to smile, being condescending with the emotional father she knew so well. I tried not to cry…

***