Watercolour Study: Wash me Away

 

Occasionally

- What are you doing out here, so early?

- Thinking…

- About what?

- Things… in general… life… us… the future…

The sun had just slit the horizon with its razor of light, slowly colouring the sky with the first rays in shades of yellow and vermillion.  I felt like my soul was in a peaceful mood.

He sat down by my side on the soft white sand. The sound of the waves, my favourite soundtrack, helped me think, making my mind wander freely…

His arm touched mine, occasionally. His leg touched mine, occasionally. He did not say another word, for some time. He knew me. He just waited, patiently, respecting my time and my timing. I was not in hurry. Why would I be? I was in love and I was being loved by the sweetest man alive… and he was sitting right there, so close to me, at my side.

I was often emotional. He felt it, automatically and pressed my arm, without saying a word. He knew me so well, indeed.

That tender gesture triggered my reactions harder and deeper. I felt warm tears running down my face. He pulled me closer to him and embraced me, bringing my head to rest on his chest.

- I love you so very much…

I held his hand in mine and kissed it gently. 

He smelled my hair and closed his eyes, as if trying to hold that moment in his memory.

- Your scent is so remarkable…

I hummed an almost inaudible:

- You’re too sweet, my love…

- I’ve been thinking…

- So have I.

He took a deep breath and held me tighter.

- Oh, my love…

I knew exactly what he intended to say. He did not need to speak it all out loud…

It was the same I wanted...

***

No Day Like Today (A Pact. Impact)

- You shouldn't have gone out in this weather!

He laughed. He expected a less rational welcome, but someone had to keep both feet firmly on the floor.

- Well, I thought that…

- It's really awful! It doesn't stop raining!

- Only out there. Not in here, no. Or maybe it does… But I like the rain… you know…

This time he didn't smile.

- Has anything happened?

- Not yet!

- What do you mean?

***

The room was still dark. It was hard, almost painful, to open the eyes. The blinds were lowered to the floor level. Getting up and reaching the switch was an extra effort, almost not achievable. The sound of the engine slowly moving the thin blades up and allowing light to enter the room, seemed louder than usual. Sunlight getting in felt like thorns piercing the eyes.

Had they had too much wine? That uncomfortable sore head was not welcome at all. It seemed like spinning around amongst those not so clear thoughts and memories that came and went, in and out, in and out.

That secret knocking code at the door. The heart beating fast under the promise of a secret loving. Secret lovers, sharing love-making like the last living lovers on the planet and creating inexorable new memories, never to be shared with anyone else.

How unfair and how unavoidable. How sad and, at the same time, how indescribably pleasurable and satisfying.

Looking around it was noticeable that the bed was totally untidy. Unwelcome small red spots still stained the white fabric. All that mess should be fixed right away.

The sheets were immediately tore off the bed and placed into the laundry basket without much thinking.

That bed should always be seen spotless and with clean sheets. It would look great with those white linen with hand-painted red poppies.

***

Seagulls. He envied those birds. He liked the ones with white bodies and huge grey wings with black tips. They were really frightening at times when they brushed over his already so tormented head. All those strange ideas kept tantalising his mind.

Maybe he would be like the birds, one day soon, when… He tried to divert the thought…

‘Not yet… but soon’…

The sky, full of heavy grey clouds, anticipated a storm. Another tempest. None as big as the one that had unleashed inside him, however. He hoped, even without much conviction, that that time it would be easier.

The iodine scent of the sea filled his nostrils with life and memories. He felt the wind blow harder against his body. There was little left… and yet so much…

***

- Promise you’ll understand?

- No. I'll never understand.

- Do you remember that stormy night?

- Remember what about it?

- Can you recall that night?

- Recall what, for heaven’s sake?

- Everything. The pact.

- That damn wine! We were so drunk. It was such a crazy thing!

- It wasn't... or maybe it was, but... it was a pact... of blood...

- You're not going to take this forward, are you?

He looked into that beloved face, now showing great concern, and considered whether to tell more than the known truth. He couldn't keep his gaze steady. He looked down, as if turning inward once again, after so many other times in those last days.

- I will… eventually…

***

The seagulls. So white and so loose, soaring, with their huge wings, supported by the wind that blew against their bodies and against the cliff, celebrated, in their own way, their freedom to fly.

He opened his arms. He felt lighter, like never before. The sea below roared like a huge dragon… patient but merciless.

Thunder echoed in the distance. The thunderstorm was coming closer… but it did not matter anymore.

***

From the window of a particular spot in the city, two tired eyes watched a lightning strike across the sky, followed by the inevitable thunder.

Those same eyes stared at the small scar left on the wrist by the short, sharp blade of a pocket knife, which appeared almost playfully in the man’s trembling hand, that night of heavy rain, like the one that was approaching quickly.

A shiver went up the spine when the pact came to mind...

‘How stupid!’

That should have never been agreed to and now there was that discomfort making its home in the worried mind.

It was a cruelty not knowing the exact day, not being able to help, not being able to interfere. But a pact is always a pact. The feeling that something horrible was about to happen was even more gruesome than anything else. The mind was still processing the fact and the heart was already reacting to it.

One more lightning bolt. That one fell very close, by the sound of the thunder that followed almost immediately.

***

‘Be bold now. It can't be that hard’…

He took a step forward… and another… until the ground dissolved into ether and his body was diving down in the open air.

And he savoured the victory. That war was finally over, before the damn illness would make him invalid for good.

He would have hated being a dead weight on anyone’s shoulders.

There would be no other day like that.

***

Hyacinthus (Final)

“Down on my knees, down on my knees once again... 

  I'm down on my knees, down on my knees once again... 

  Breaking in tears, breaking in tears once again...

  It's hard for me, but I'm trying”… (Adam Evald; “That Day”)

***

- What have you done?

- If he’s not mine, he’s not anyone else’s either…

- Are you out of your mind? And what do we do now?

He revealed that maleficent smile again, while speaking very slowly and clearly.

- I won’t do anything… I have just done what I wanted to… You’re the one who has to do something now.

- Oh, my God! What do I do now?

- Take your medicine and I’ll disappear… and you’ll have to face a crime… alone… or you can call it an accident. Perhaps they’ll buy it, or else…

- Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

***

- You’re delirious! There’s nothing in there.

- I promise you there was a body. A dead man! He was right there!    

   

- How long since you’ve taken your last pill?

- I’m not sure. I’ve lost track of time.

- Look at me. Focus. Now! How long?

- I don’t know. A couple of weeks, maybe.

- Weeks? Are you crazy? You know you must take it every day!!! How do you know you’re not hallucinating?

- I’m not. I mean, I don’t think so…

- You don’t think so? You don’t think so?!?!? What does that mean? Don’t you see you can be convicted as accessory to a crime? If there was really a crime!

- I’m not an accessory. I did not encourage or participate in that...

- You’ll have to prove it, if we ever find the body.

He kneeled on the floor, holding his head with both hands and cried, like a child, when they heard the sound of the siren coming closer.

***

There was silence in the darkness. There was darkness in that silence.

The man looked around. He seemed to be alone. He was not sure where he was. He heard a dry click and suddenly a door was opened. The light pierced his eyes. He tried to cover his face with both hands, but he could not move them. He was not alone anymore.

- How do you feel?

- What is this? Where am I?

- You’re safe now. We will take care of you…

The men dressed in white came closer. He had the impression he knew one of them. He saw his friend on the corner of the room, but that could be just an impression… his mind playing games with him.

A sudden sting in his left arm made him open his eyes wide, but he soon felt he could not keep them open for much longer. He could still hear the noises of people talking, but the words were vanishing in the confusing mix of different voices.

Then it was all dark again… and silent…

***

- How is he doing?

- He’s been in and out. He’s just coming out of another crisis. His case became more and more complex with the passing of time and the fact that he did not take the medication for months.

- I see…

The doctor was being as honest and practical as he could be.

- He needs to stay in intensive care for some time still, before we release him.

- Will he ever been cured? I mean, even with a lifetime prescription process?

- We’ll never know for sure… Life is full of surprises…

***

- Will you help me out of here?

- That’s what I’m doing…

- No. Not this way, no…

- It is the only way now.

- Please…

- You asked me once if I knew about your feelings for me and I said I was not good at speaking my heart out. Well, I thought a lot about that, and the only way out is staying in. And this is so because I really care about you. More than anything else… I’ll be here for you all the time.

His eyes were fixed on his loved comrade. There was a mix of pity, concern and true affection. He touched his friend’s face, very lightly.

- You are so kind…

- And you’re so stoned…

He closed his eyes and fell asleep with a smile on his face.

***

Patience, medication and a close vigilance proved to be the most effective treatment for his schizophrenia.

The doctors discharge him from the treatment centre after deciding he was ready to go back to his almost normal life and to the things and people he was used to, when the symptoms seemed to have disappeared completely.

He was relieved and so was his best friend and mentor. They needed a celebration. They had agreed they would go to the beach house, as he wanted to spend a time by the sea, far from doctors and nurses.

They drove to the beach so to spend more than just that weekend away.

***

- Don’t go away. I don’t want you to leave anymore.

- I’m right here. Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere.

- I feel sad when I think that he died that way. I still feel guilty about all of that…

- He’s not dead, silly!

- What do you mean?

- How could he? He’d never been real.

- You should not be here either. Not anymore… at least… but…

He smiled. That strange smirk again.

- Your mind is more powerful than you want to admit! Have you taken your pills today?

- I have, of course.

- Then?

- You’re still here.

- See? If after all this time you still see me… well, you know how to put two and two together. I’m glad you’ve kept our secret that I’ve never really disappeared. Now, look around. Don’t you see him? At that side of the beach, close to the rocks?

He walked some timid steps to that direction.

His perception of everything around him seemed more accurate and clear than ever before: the breeze… the raging sea... a sound he had known very well…

The discus fell at his feet. When he leaned forward to catch it, he heard the giggle. The man’s ginger hair was shining in the sun. He loved that handsome and masculine face and that bright smile, almost brighter than the sun.  

He looked at him, smiling and feeling relieved. They hugged each other in silence.

They both started crying, filled with a strange and authentic happiness.

The sky above was very clean and blue. The wind wafted around them and it felt like an embrace and a kiss blown on their faces. They heard a chuckle. 

He knew Zephyr was laughing at them from a distance.

***

The day was sunny and warm, and the breeze was really welcoming. His friend’s hand lay upon his shoulder and he felt protected, loved and, if that was possible, as free as a seabird.

- You’re the kindest and more loved creature of the Universe! I would never be thankful enough for the patience and care and attention and…

- Oh! Stop it! I really care about you. A lot… And I’m not afraid of saying that anymore.

Stripping off his t-shirt and getting rid of his training shoes and shorts, he walked straight to the sea, followed by his best friend, who was as naked and feeling as free as he was.

Two figures were observing them, sitting on the rocks, from a safe distance.

He pretended not to see them, but he sensed they were smiling, as if they were having fun with all that.

***

Hyacinthus (Part 2)

- Of all the mythological legends, my all-time favourite has always been Apollo’s.

- Oh! Mine is Narcissus!

- It figures! I would have never guessed…

They looked at each other, seriously, for a while and then burst into laughter.

***

The summer holidays were almost over and he was getting ready to go back to his normal life. He had decided to pack his things and put them in the trunk of his car, while it was still early in the morning, but changed his idea, as soon as he opened the door.

It would be a nice sunny Saturday and although he intended initially to leave the place by lunch time, he thought it would be better to postpone it to the end of the afternoon, so he could have a relaxing last day at the beach.

The sun was slowly rising up in the sky. Soon it would be warm enough.

A quick sprint by the shore would be good to prepare his mind and body for the week ahead and the routines he was used to, including the therapy sessions. He had so many things to talk about.

It was not the right time to think about the week affairs, though. He needed to keep an easy mind for that last day, at least.

He jogged for some minutes along the beach and when he was back, he looked at the inviting sea, stripped off and went for a swim. The water was cold but the day was warm already. He thought he was a lucky man after all.

He smiled when he thought about his friend.

(- Funny name!)

They had known each other for some time and still kept the same sympathy they had since the beginning. Better saying: that feeling grew stronger with time and with the intimacy they shared. Besides that, there was a true respect for each other and that made the whole difference.

- How long are you going to be in the water still?

- Uh? What?

- You’re gonna freeze. This water is so cold!

He did not respond, but realized he had forgotten about the water and how cold it was, so distracted he was with his own thoughts. He felt his muscles going rigid. It was time to go off the sea and head home.

***

- You know my feelings about this, don’t you?

- I do. And you know I’m not good at speaking my feelings out…

- What will you do?

- I can’t do anything other than what I’m already doing. I’m deeply and fully in this, but this is the farthest I can go... at least for now.

- I understand.

- Do I disappoint you?

- Not really. I try to have my two feet set firmly on the ground.

- I’ve never made any promises, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep them.

- I know what you mean. It was just…

He stopped in the middle of the sentence. He almost said it and he knew he would have regretted it soon after if he did.

The other man simply looked at him with a sudden gloom in his eyes. He knew exactly how that sentence could end. Sadly.

They sat, quiet, for quite a long time. That was a moment when words would mean nothing, because they knew the language their feelings spoke. Silence weighed heavily between the two.

They avoided looking into each other’s faces and eyes. Their tears would not allow them to see clearly anyway.

***

“I'll never forget what happened that day,

 The fear in your eyes, the cutting away

 You left to my world fine memories,

 But I've turned them into sworn enemies

 That day”... (Adam Evald; “That Day”)

- This song again? Don’t you ever tire of listening to it?

He ignored the irony.

- Why do you come here only when you know I’m alone?

- I feel you need me.

- How can you?

He smiled. That meant he would not reply. The man was so used to that already, he did not even try to argue.

- I’m seeing a therapist today.

- That’s stupid and a waste. You don’t need any.

- Is that what you think? You’re the reason I need to see one.

- Bullshit! You don’t need anyone but me.

- Arrogance? Now? You must be kidding me.

He smiled again.

- Go, if you want to. I think you’re wrong. I know you won’t listen to me anyway… until you realize you don’t really need that help from a stranger.

- I know and you know that I know.

- Playing with words now? That’s so much you.

The man simply smiled back. Like his counterpart, he did not want… or need… to riposte to that baiting.

***

The man was offered the seat in the brown leather armchair on the left side of the room and waited. The therapist had asked him if he wanted a cup of coffee.

The buzz of the machine backgrounded his thoughts and he was trying to find a way to start the conversation. He knew how the therapy worked and he needed to go straight to the point for many reasons. The quicker he would do it, the better it would be for the results. Besides that, there were pecuniary reasons to be taken into consideration too.

- I need help. Urgently! Don’t think it is easy for me to say it, but it is the only way.

- Well, that’s a good beginning. What kind of help are you talking about?

- I don’t want to come with a ready diagnosis and tell you what I need to do, but you will agree with me that I will need to go under medication as soon as possible.

- And what leads you to think anything like that?

- I confess I’ve been through that before and did not take it seriously. Now I see I really need to or else I’ll go on a one-way trip to my end and completely out of control. And I don’t like that and don’t want that either. I thought I could live with that and could go over it, but I can’t. I simply can’t.

- What are you talking about? Go straight to the point, man. Please!

- I hear voices in my head all the time and I see people who do not exist in reality.

- How do you know they don’t exist?

- I was already diagnosed as schizophrenic!  

***