One More Night (Part 2)

- I don’t know.

- I don’t, either, but you should.  After all, you are the one who came back here after such a long time.

- Don’t judge me, please. I don’t even know what to think. I missed you and had this strange sensation that I should come back here… It was here that we…

- Don’t you think it is odd you saying you’re missing us, after all these years?

- Don’t do that. It’s not fair to any of us.

At that right moment, we heard an excited shriek coming from the beach side. That little distraction was more than appropriate to break a little the tense atmosphere created between us.

- Look at her, playing in the seawater. Some things do not change…ever… She has been fascinated by the sea ever since she was a little girl.

- She’s grown up so much.

-She is almost a woman, now. A gift from heaven.

- Oh. Well, since when you do believe in heavens? She is a gift, yes, from life… from the Universe... I miss you, did you know that?

I felt a kind of a nostalgia embracing me… I knew he was feeling the same. I detected some sadness in his eyes. My soul was in pain, as was my head. I looked out and saw her coming to the restaurant where we were almost distractedly drinking our usual strong black coffee.

- Look at this. I got my pants all soaked in the sea. I did not expect that. Now I need to clean and dry this out… what a mess! And I need some water. I’m thirsty.

We laughed at her.

- Get some at the counter, my love. The place is almost quiet now.

She ran into the restaurant. I followed her with my eyes. I noticed I was being observed as well and I turned my head to face him. I knew that expression so very well.

- What now?

- I miss us…

My chest hurt. My soul was aching. My eyes were sore. I could not say anything, but felt the tears running down my face.

- Don’t cry.

- Me? Cry? Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous!

He laughed, not believing my words, for a change.

- Dad? Are you OK?

- I’m alright, my love! Sit with us for a little while.

- So, tell me how things are at school.

She straightened up and spoke out. She loved talking about school and her plans for the University.

***

The ocean was always like that. I imagined it as being a huge lion roaring insistently, trying to scare me out, but never succeeding. In my head it could try, but would never scare me away. The effect was the opposite: it used to calm me down and make me think about my life, my memories, my past, my things…

I loved that place. I had good and bad memories, but the good ones had always been the great majority of them. Over that cliff above my head I could see myself a long time before.

- Do you need anything, sir?

- Huh? No, thanks. I’m alright.

That pale skin did not match that place. Nor did those eyes. He looked like a foreigner.

- May I ask you something? I don’t want to be nosy. It’s more out of curiosity.

- You may, but I don’t promise any reply.

- Of course.

The intrusion had been a little rash, but I thought the man was probably bored of having no one to talk to. I was not used to talk to strangers, especially in this land, but I was at the same time so used to coming every weekend to that same place and restaurant, that I felt like I had known the manager from a long date. He was always courteous and always smiled at my coming in. He was not really a stranger, but he was not a friend either…

- Do you want me to bring you some local pastry to go with the coffee?

- Was that the question you wanted to ask me? If it was, the answer is yes, but one only, please…

He smiled. He knew I noticed he was trying to decide whether or not to ask me something he would not feel comfortable with and trying to have the courage to do so. He asked the waiter to bring two cream pastries under my protest.

- It’s been a long time I noticed you come here every Saturday afternoon, bring the baby for a ride, order a coffee, sits outside and in silence, watching the sea for a long time and then leave.

- And?

- And I ask myself why you never bring the child’s mother. Are you separated?

- We are… in a way...

- OK. I got it. I’m sorry for the intrusion and the curiosity.

- It’s OK. Never mind.

I did not think he understood it. For some reason I had the urge to tell him a little more, thing that was not common with strangers, but I did not see a problem, as he was being nice, in spite of his curiosity.

- She passed away. We were very good friends. This place brings me good memories of the times we were together.

The man looked at me, serious, almost trying to apologize. The child was sleeping in the baby car seat at my side.

- I’m really sorry. I did not want to be intrusive.

- No problem. It was an accident. There is nothing we can do now, anyway.

- Well, you can live. It’s the best for her, who has the whole life ahead of her.

- Indeed. That’s true. She is everything I have. She is very precious.

- I believe you.

He stared at me for a fraction of a second. I kept my eyes in his stare. He blushed immediately, like a child who is caught doing something that he was not allowed to.

- I’ll leave you alone now.

He left almost in a hurry. I followed him with my eyes as he walked into the restaurant. As soon as he reached the threshold, he stopped and turned around. It was my turn to blush.

- Well, well… what was that supposed to be, after all?

***

I was stretching out in the sun in the deck chair outside with my shirt unbuttoned. He touched the weird sketched scar on my chest with his pale fingers. I shook.

- Don’t be afraid. I mean no harm.

- I’m not afraid.

- It’s a big scar.

- It was an accident: a stupid accident from a clumsy man.

- I don’t believe it was stupid. Is it related to what happened to your wife?

- She was very ill. The tumour was detected in one of the routine exams during her pregnancy. She could not be put under chemotherapy as it was very risky for the child’s health. But the illness made her very weak. This was one of her favourite spots. We were walking down the trail by the cliff when she felt dizzy and slipped. I was right behind her and tried to hold her, but it was too sudden and I was not strong enough to get the grip on her. I tripped and fell down with my chest hitting the rock right at her side. It was not that accident that killed her. She was taken to hospital, after that, but her health got worse and worse. We decided to take the baby out so to try and put her under chemo, but it was too late. We saved the child but not the mother. It was not a sudden death, but it was very painful… to all of us.

- Does it still hurt?

- A little… sometimes… 

- I’ve never got married. I think I’ve never met the right person.

- We’d got married for the sake of the baby. It was the right thing to do and the best for the child.

- I understand. Do you think you would do the same thing again, if you could?

- I have no regrets. But life is not a game. You don’t decide to live again or do the same things again, making the same mistakes as an option. Time changes people and the circumstances as well…

- Did you love each other?

That same question again. I’d always answered it the same way.

- We were very god friends. We had always been “partners in crime”, so to speak, since the school times together. We went to the same university, graduated at the same time, left home and shared an apartment downtown to develop our careers and our lives independently from our parents. 

- But that was not love…

- But it was not love, in the physical sense. It was more of a brother/sister relationship, I think.

-I understand.

Did I notice a hint of a smile when he answered almost harmlessly? Or was that my naïve impression?

***

…”For a taste of your love and 
     I need to taste some more 
    Wave goodbye to heaven for me 
    I've thrown it all away 
    Just to spend one more night with you”…(*)

 (*) One more night with you : Ged McMahon

 - I like this version. I doesn’t have the power of the female voice, but it is good anyway. It sounds like a story I know so well…

I looked at her and imitated her way of speaking and voice.

- If I said everything I knew…

- Hah! You better not say anything else.

- True.

We laughed. She got up from where she was and lay down on the couch with her head on my lap.

- Dad?

- Huh?

- It wouldn’t be a problem if he’d come and lived with us again, would it?

- What do you mean?

- I know this is what he wants. I don’t see a problem, do you? He likes us… and we like him…

- How do you know? He didn’t say anything about it.

- Yet… but this is what I feel.

- He went away with an excuse that was not really convincing. God knows if that was the true reason. It all sounded like a bit of cowardice from his part.

- People change, dad. He must have suffered.

- Him? Only him?

She kissed my hands. Her eyes were fixed on my serious face. She tried to smile, being condescending with the emotional father she knew so well. I tried not to cry…

***

Tattoo (Part 2 of 2)

- Mine is prettier.

- It is. No doubt it was a very beautiful choice.

- I’ve decided for a more modern design and I think I got it so right.

- Definitely yes. It’s very well done and with a beautiful colour effect... I wouldn’t have made a better choice.

He looked at the picture once again and kissed the etched dragon intentionally tattooed between the two dimples in the lower part of my back. My skin was warm and reacted when his lips touched that strategic point located at the base of my spine.

- I love your curves. These two dimples are so incredibly sexy... And now there is also this dragon so well made and meaningful...

I bent slightly up, as if submitting my body to more welcome displays of affection and he accepted the offer so eagerly, it triggered an almost involuntary and almost irreversible reaction. I could feel he did not want to worry about control over anything, anyway. He just lay down on top of me, kissing every part of my body. I felt so loved and so desired by him, my whole body opened for his caresses and for his so welcomed yearning.

- Uhm ... What was that?

No answer. He just kept on kissing me all over. I cringed as he rubbed his lips behind my ear, triggering waves of goose bumps running all over the extension of my skin. He giggled and took advantage of the discovery. It was his chance.

***

- We are marked forever.

- As if we were genuine soul mates...

- Ahaha! There you come, again, with that soul mate thing...

- We're matching souls and bodies, then.

- We're people who like to be with each other and our bodies know that. Isn’t that enough?

- "May it be eternal while it lasts"?

- Maybe that's more than enough...

I laughed, pretending I was happy with that, but my mind accepted things quite different from his. He always tried to keep his emotions under controlled loss of control. He used to say that nothing in life would be eternal and that having high expectations could lead to big disappointments. He did not want our "friendship", so to speak, to lead to anything other than the good things we already had.

I knew things could be more complicated than the simplification he tried to imply about the situation. I was not afraid of being romantic or giving myself in and letting myself go ahead, in the name of a feeling I would want to grow stronger. That was how I was. My head was always in the clouds, my body always ready, when we were together. I wanted that to last forever, although I knew it would end… eventually…

- Let go. Let go. Don’t hold back. Be entirely here with me… Give yourself in to this moment… Don’t be afraid…

I knew the risks involved. I knew the pleasures that relationship had brought to our lives... and I liked the whole thing... but I was not sure about him. He seemed to have his mind so far away sometimes… so untouchable. Maybe I was only being paranoid. Maybe I was right…

***

- Do you like it this way?

- I do, but move a little further up, please.

- On here?

- Yes. That’s it.

I examined him carefully, with opportunistic lascivious eyes, my cheeks flushed with desire, and hummed softly, next to his ear:

"You’re on my heart just like a tattoo"... (Jordin Sparks – Just Like a Tattoo)

I ran my fingers lightly over the drawing, which had been etched in pain on the left side of his waist. I kissed, not only there, but in several other parts of his body, as I used to do, when desire surpassed control.

Our tattoos were almost committed to each other. Two dragons so dissimilar, representing two very different meanings, printed on the skins of two very unalike people. But even so, they were two dragons: two creatures of the same species... or maybe not...

***

- Hug me.

- What happened?

- Shhh.

My body was warm, as if it were burning coal. He had no idea what was going on, so he just stood there, not saying a word, listening to my panting breath and feeling my heart pound against his chest. He sensed something was wrong, but he did not know what it was.

- Tell me what's going on.

- Shhh. Just stay like this, a little longer...

We stayed, what seemed like an endless time, in that tight embrace. When, at last, I released him, I said only in an almost desperate whisper:

- Make love with me… Don’t make love to me: make love with me!

He did not say anything, just let himself go... completely... like an inflatable boat, down the rapids, without oars and without rudder.

We made love as if madness had taken over us. Our bodies burned as if they were suffering from a high fever and we had our bloods running, like hot lava in our veins, ready to erupt at any moment. We sought to satisfy an insatiable thirst, while we drank from the same venom, or its antidote, mixed erratically in our mouths and pursued a comfort that did not exist. We let ourselves be taken by the insanity that made that moment unique and intense, in waves that came and went inside us, like the sea throwing itself on the sands of the beach, in that rhythmic, sometimes languid, sometimes energetic back and forth. We sailed in dark deep waters, like a boat without a helmsman, who ran the risk of wrecking the hull on the reefs and the sharp banks of multi-coloured corals.

He closed his eyes, trying to refrain the distress that was taking hold of him, and let out a scream, like an animal in the forest. His whole body convulsed, in repeated spasms. Then that feeling of abandonment and relaxation followed. Our bodies were inert for a few moments, overcome by fatigue.

We stayed in silence, listening to our breaths, which were slowly going back to their natural rhythm.

We lost track of time and fell into a deep sleep. I had a dream I would never tell him about. I was drowning in the dark chilly waters of doubt and I could not do anything to avoid it. I was choking and there was no one else around to give me a hand. I was so alone and cold…

When I woke up, he was still sleeping. That bed looked huge and cold despite the heat outside.

Something seemed out of place. There was a strange atmosphere and for a moment I felt sad. Anguish tortured my chest. That dream made me think of what was happening between the two of us.

My mouth was very dry. I needed fresh water. I got up and went into the kitchen. It was late at night, and there was a pleasant breeze coming through the open door onto the porch, so I went outside.

***

- Hey.

- Hey.

His voice was almost a whisper. I was about to scream in despair. I tried to stay calm. I thanked the night, for my face was hidden in its darkness.

- What are you doing?

- Thinking...

- Do I bother you?

- Of course not.

He came closer and kissed my back and neck, then rubbed his lips, very lightly, all the way down my back to stop at the tattoo, almost invisible in the shade. My skin shivered and I let my body curl toward him in a reaction of agreement. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

- I love your smell.

- Hmm...

- You're an addiction... I feel like I cannot live without you.

I turned to him, my face neatly hidden in the gloom.

- I'm going away.

- Are you? Why?

- It must be. You're right. This became a real addiction. I'm losing control.

- But that's good, isn’t it?

How I wished that was the whole truth about it, but I had to keep it simple.

- I don’t know. I'm suffocating. I cannot go on like this... I need space for myself... I have a lot to think about...

- I don’t understand…

- I do not even know if I understand, but... I must do something... and it has to be urgently... If I stay, I will make you unhappy...

- Unhappy? How come?

The answer was a lot more complicated than the question, so I stayed quiet. His idea of ​​happiness was so different from mine. He was happy with that situation and I needed more. I just wanted it to give me more peace of mind, more composure, more security. I had to leave before becoming sad and tired of trying to always be there for him and his physical desires.

I looked at him with a mixture of sadness and anticipation in my expression.

He was silent for a few minutes, not knowing how to react. I don’t think he knew what to think. His mind searched for reasons and reasons to justify that decision and could find none.

- I know I must respect your will. There's nothing I can do to change that, is there?

- I really must go.

- Okay then, but this is all very sad...

- We will have so many beautiful memories to keep, will not we?

- Many... We will always have our tattoos, vivid in our skins, to bring them to the memory every time.

- Well, dragons always come back in the spring...

- Do they?

- Uh-huh... With the first full moon...

- I've never thought of that.

He looked me in the eyes and saw my decision was made.  I could not smile, as my soul was torn in pieces. There was nothing else to be said. That was definitely goodbye.

***

I still keep my precious tattoo. It reminds me of great times with a wonderful man… who was never mine entirely. The pain I felt when the needle pierced my skin to imprint that wonderful dragon on my lower back was nothing compared to the sorrow I felt by the decision I’ve made to leave him, despite so many times regretting that...

Who knows how strong I can be and what decisions I still can make in the future, anyway…. Time can change everything… so many times…