Watercolour composition: Of fishermen and seagulls...

 

Long-lasting Dance

A long-lasting dance with the Jack of Spades was definitely not on the menu. I chose watching him from a safe distance, so I was not harmed by his fire… or the one that started slowly burning in my chest when I first set eyes on him.

There he was, standing tall on the background of the group, looking casually at me, who greeted everyone else and walked on to him, with a smile on my face and the hand ready for a handshake. I looked into his blue-greenish eyes for the longest briefest moment and introduced myself. He did the same.

I could almost hear my own thoughts shouting out loud in my head and I was afraid he would notice it in my eyes or could read my mind somehow.

I wondered if he would ever be aware of the effect he had on me. Little I knew of what was happening in his mind, when he smiled that way of his.

‘Please like me’.

That was quite an astounding first impression.

***

- It’s so good to be here. It feels like home.

He hugged me tighter. My head was on his chest and his arms were encircling my upper body. His strong muscled legs were all around mine, as if holding me so I would not fall away from him or from the sofa. We were listening to a bunch of my favourite songs, most of them he was just getting to know…

“You say you had your heart broken
 What a stupid little thing to do…

 Make no mistake
 I'll do whatever it takes
 To get over these walls
 High up in the atmosphere
 If I could catapult my heart
… To where you are”…*
(*Catapult, by Jack Savoretti)

When the song was over, he got up and so did I. He touched my face so lightly with both hands, I felt like feathers falling softly on my bare skin.

I smiled shyly. He kissed me and held me tight. I felt I was so small and, at the same time, totally protected by him and that was one of the best feelings I had in my lifetime.

I was slow dancing with the Jack of Spades and I was enjoying it with all my body and soul. I had the feeling he knew exactly what he was doing and that made me so happy.

The living room was quiet, the lights were low, but we kept on dancing to the songs playing silently in our heads, by an invisible band… for quite a while… feeling the soothing heat of our bare skins one against the other, our hearts at the same pace.

He, then, took my hand in his own and led me...

***

My attention was totally directed to how his pale hands were touching my skin, traveling along my body, very lightly and so warmly.

- I love your hands and the way you touch me. You’re such an affectionate man.

- I love touching you. Your skin is so soft.

- And I’ve never thought I would love someone the way I love you now.

- You have been neglected, my love…

There was a sudden pain in my chest. I turned around. I could not control myself. I got so emotional, I just closed my eyes and let my tears run silently warm and freely. And they were burning hot. My body shuddered a little.

He put his arms around me and held me. His chin was resting on my neck. I could feel he smelled my hair. I felt his body warming mine up, while I sobbed uncontrollably in his strong embrace.

***

It was a sunny Saturday afternoon. I had a walk by the seashore and sat quietly looking at the sea. A fresh breeze blew through my face and hair. The sky was so blue, it reminded me of him and his eyes.

My own eyes wandered away in the distance, and so did my mind, to the past. I shivered.

- How long ago was it?

I turned around. Besides some noisy seagulls flying above, there was no one at sight. I thought my imagination was playing games with me.

- How long ago? Do you remember?

I decided to speak out loud.

- You know very well how long ago.

I recalled the day we’d met, long years in the past, from the moment the sliding doors opened and I saw his sweet and welcoming smile, with the heart in his hands, to the blatant goodbye kiss he gave me, before I walked into the airport restricted area, on my way back home.

- I’m so glad your pain has gone away.

I did not respond, just got up and walked off, silently.

Warm tears insisted to blur my vision, while the wind blew colder, this time all through my body…

***

No Day Like Today (A Pact. Impact)

- You shouldn't have gone out in this weather!

He laughed. He expected a less rational welcome, but someone had to keep both feet firmly on the floor.

- Well, I thought that…

- It's really awful! It doesn't stop raining!

- Only out there. Not in here, no. Or maybe it does… But I like the rain… you know…

This time he didn't smile.

- Has anything happened?

- Not yet!

- What do you mean?

***

The room was still dark. It was hard, almost painful, to open the eyes. The blinds were lowered to the floor level. Getting up and reaching the switch was an extra effort, almost not achievable. The sound of the engine slowly moving the thin blades up and allowing light to enter the room, seemed louder than usual. Sunlight getting in felt like thorns piercing the eyes.

Had they had too much wine? That uncomfortable sore head was not welcome at all. It seemed like spinning around amongst those not so clear thoughts and memories that came and went, in and out, in and out.

That secret knocking code at the door. The heart beating fast under the promise of a secret loving. Secret lovers, sharing love-making like the last living lovers on the planet and creating inexorable new memories, never to be shared with anyone else.

How unfair and how unavoidable. How sad and, at the same time, how indescribably pleasurable and satisfying.

Looking around it was noticeable that the bed was totally untidy. Unwelcome small red spots still stained the white fabric. All that mess should be fixed right away.

The sheets were immediately tore off the bed and placed into the laundry basket without much thinking.

That bed should always be seen spotless and with clean sheets. It would look great with those white linen with hand-painted red poppies.

***

Seagulls. He envied those birds. He liked the ones with white bodies and huge grey wings with black tips. They were really frightening at times when they brushed over his already so tormented head. All those strange ideas kept tantalising his mind.

Maybe he would be like the birds, one day soon, when… He tried to divert the thought…

‘Not yet… but soon’…

The sky, full of heavy grey clouds, anticipated a storm. Another tempest. None as big as the one that had unleashed inside him, however. He hoped, even without much conviction, that that time it would be easier.

The iodine scent of the sea filled his nostrils with life and memories. He felt the wind blow harder against his body. There was little left… and yet so much…

***

- Promise you’ll understand?

- No. I'll never understand.

- Do you remember that stormy night?

- Remember what about it?

- Can you recall that night?

- Recall what, for heaven’s sake?

- Everything. The pact.

- That damn wine! We were so drunk. It was such a crazy thing!

- It wasn't... or maybe it was, but... it was a pact... of blood...

- You're not going to take this forward, are you?

He looked into that beloved face, now showing great concern, and considered whether to tell more than the known truth. He couldn't keep his gaze steady. He looked down, as if turning inward once again, after so many other times in those last days.

- I will… eventually…

***

The seagulls. So white and so loose, soaring, with their huge wings, supported by the wind that blew against their bodies and against the cliff, celebrated, in their own way, their freedom to fly.

He opened his arms. He felt lighter, like never before. The sea below roared like a huge dragon… patient but merciless.

Thunder echoed in the distance. The thunderstorm was coming closer… but it did not matter anymore.

***

From the window of a particular spot in the city, two tired eyes watched a lightning strike across the sky, followed by the inevitable thunder.

Those same eyes stared at the small scar left on the wrist by the short, sharp blade of a pocket knife, which appeared almost playfully in the man’s trembling hand, that night of heavy rain, like the one that was approaching quickly.

A shiver went up the spine when the pact came to mind...

‘How stupid!’

That should have never been agreed to and now there was that discomfort making its home in the worried mind.

It was a cruelty not knowing the exact day, not being able to help, not being able to interfere. But a pact is always a pact. The feeling that something horrible was about to happen was even more gruesome than anything else. The mind was still processing the fact and the heart was already reacting to it.

One more lightning bolt. That one fell very close, by the sound of the thunder that followed almost immediately.

***

‘Be bold now. It can't be that hard’…

He took a step forward… and another… until the ground dissolved into ether and his body was diving down in the open air.

And he savoured the victory. That war was finally over, before the damn illness would make him invalid for good.

He would have hated being a dead weight on anyone’s shoulders.

There would be no other day like that.

***