No Day Like Today (A Pact. Impact)

- You shouldn't have gone out in this weather!

He laughed. He expected a less rational welcome, but someone had to keep both feet firmly on the floor.

- Well, I thought that…

- It's really awful! It doesn't stop raining!

- Only out there. Not in here, no. Or maybe it does… But I like the rain… you know…

This time he didn't smile.

- Has anything happened?

- Not yet!

- What do you mean?

***

The room was still dark. It was hard, almost painful, to open the eyes. The blinds were lowered to the floor level. Getting up and reaching the switch was an extra effort, almost not achievable. The sound of the engine slowly moving the thin blades up and allowing light to enter the room, seemed louder than usual. Sunlight getting in felt like thorns piercing the eyes.

Had they had too much wine? That uncomfortable sore head was not welcome at all. It seemed like spinning around amongst those not so clear thoughts and memories that came and went, in and out, in and out.

That secret knocking code at the door. The heart beating fast under the promise of a secret loving. Secret lovers, sharing love-making like the last living lovers on the planet and creating inexorable new memories, never to be shared with anyone else.

How unfair and how unavoidable. How sad and, at the same time, how indescribably pleasurable and satisfying.

Looking around it was noticeable that the bed was totally untidy. Unwelcome small red spots still stained the white fabric. All that mess should be fixed right away.

The sheets were immediately tore off the bed and placed into the laundry basket without much thinking.

That bed should always be seen spotless and with clean sheets. It would look great with those white linen with hand-painted red poppies.

***

Seagulls. He envied those birds. He liked the ones with white bodies and huge grey wings with black tips. They were really frightening at times when they brushed over his already so tormented head. All those strange ideas kept tantalising his mind.

Maybe he would be like the birds, one day soon, when… He tried to divert the thought…

‘Not yet… but soon’…

The sky, full of heavy grey clouds, anticipated a storm. Another tempest. None as big as the one that had unleashed inside him, however. He hoped, even without much conviction, that that time it would be easier.

The iodine scent of the sea filled his nostrils with life and memories. He felt the wind blow harder against his body. There was little left… and yet so much…

***

- Promise you’ll understand?

- No. I'll never understand.

- Do you remember that stormy night?

- Remember what about it?

- Can you recall that night?

- Recall what, for heaven’s sake?

- Everything. The pact.

- That damn wine! We were so drunk. It was such a crazy thing!

- It wasn't... or maybe it was, but... it was a pact... of blood...

- You're not going to take this forward, are you?

He looked into that beloved face, now showing great concern, and considered whether to tell more than the known truth. He couldn't keep his gaze steady. He looked down, as if turning inward once again, after so many other times in those last days.

- I will… eventually…

***

The seagulls. So white and so loose, soaring, with their huge wings, supported by the wind that blew against their bodies and against the cliff, celebrated, in their own way, their freedom to fly.

He opened his arms. He felt lighter, like never before. The sea below roared like a huge dragon… patient but merciless.

Thunder echoed in the distance. The thunderstorm was coming closer… but it did not matter anymore.

***

From the window of a particular spot in the city, two tired eyes watched a lightning strike across the sky, followed by the inevitable thunder.

Those same eyes stared at the small scar left on the wrist by the short, sharp blade of a pocket knife, which appeared almost playfully in the man’s trembling hand, that night of heavy rain, like the one that was approaching quickly.

A shiver went up the spine when the pact came to mind...

‘How stupid!’

That should have never been agreed to and now there was that discomfort making its home in the worried mind.

It was a cruelty not knowing the exact day, not being able to help, not being able to interfere. But a pact is always a pact. The feeling that something horrible was about to happen was even more gruesome than anything else. The mind was still processing the fact and the heart was already reacting to it.

One more lightning bolt. That one fell very close, by the sound of the thunder that followed almost immediately.

***

‘Be bold now. It can't be that hard’…

He took a step forward… and another… until the ground dissolved into ether and his body was diving down in the open air.

And he savoured the victory. That war was finally over, before the damn illness would make him invalid for good.

He would have hated being a dead weight on anyone’s shoulders.

There would be no other day like that.

***

Homeward (Part 1)

As I walked off the front door, I was so distracted I almost bumped into the man who was passing by. He looked at me for less than one second, as if he was either cursing me or intending to kill me, but said nothing. I did not say anything other than murmur an embarrassed “I’m sorry” and went back on my way away from there.

There was something familiar about that man. His pale face and the blond-almost-ginger beard called my attention for some reason. He was a tall young man, maybe around his mid-thirties, his blond hair getting thin on top of his head, nice average looking body, without being athletic, but very far from being overweight.

He was busy with his phone, so he did not pay me more attention than I deserved: a mere few milliseconds.

There was a bus stop right in front of the building and that was where he stood.

If I was not nearly on time for an important appointment, I would find an excuse to come back and look at him just once more and a little longer than I did. But I was almost late…

***

- I feel like crying.

- Why?

- I’m not sure…

- Then who could be?

He looked at me, as if I was saying the worst nonsense of all.  I tried to hold my tears but could not. My heart was, for some reason, so heavy. He said nothing else. He knew me too well.

- Take me home, please.

- “Home is where your heart is”…

- You always say that.

- I do… because I know you like it.

- I do. But today I just want to feel protected. Let me be quietly embraced by you.

He just hugged me. And I cried.

***

- Will you tell me what’s going on?

- I don’t know if I can.

He turned around to face me. How could I explain that what I was feeling was really unexplainable? Would he ever understand that I sometimes was haunted by my own past?

- Do you want to be left alone? For a while?

- No. Not really.

- Then, come with me.

- Where to?

- To the beach. I know how the sea makes you feel good. You need that now.

I smiled and followed the man, who did not even wait for my answer. He was so sure I would follow him, he just assumed that was the right thing to do… And so we drove to the beachside, almost completely away from most of the people, in order to recharge our batteries… or better saying: to try and recharge my batteries.

We walked some distance all along the beach, with our feet in the cool waters. The air was fresh and as the time passed, the temperature slowly went down. It was late in the afternoon.

We leaned on the pier rail for a while, in silence, just watching the sun go down, enjoying the scenery and absorbed by our own private thoughts. My mind wandered away in time.

I saw myself a long time before, sitting on the white beach sand and watching the waves coming up and down for a long while to finally die by the shoreline in an explosion of sound and foam. My mind was elsewhere.

***

Time passed by so quickly. There were some people still walking by and a few fishermen around, each busy with their own businesses and acting as if I was just part of the whole scenery, which I was, in fact… for them. I looked around and decided I should go home, before it got dark.

There were some seagulls still flying above, probably trying to catch some fish, either from the sea directly or from some careless fishermen. One of the big birds suddenly dove into the air, almost hitting my head while I walked past, playing with my feet in the fresh waters. I ducked as quickly as I could but I lost my balance. I closed my eyes while I was falling down, sure that I was going to get all wet. For some reason, the unexpected happened and I neither went down in the water nor did I get wet. I was held in the mid-air.

- What happened?

- I saw it was going to happen and came to your aid.

- Huh?

The man, a tall and handsome blond was holding me tight with both hands. I felt his strong legs between mine and his muscled arms around my body. I recovered my balance and he released his grip.

- I’m sorry.

- Oh, don’t be. I was seeing myself going home all soaking wet. Thank you.

He smiled. I looked into his eyes. They were so blue.

- Oh, sweet Lord!

- What?

- Nothing. I’m sorry.

- Are you OK now?

- I am, thanks. Sorry I disturbed your fishing.

- No problem. I was just having some moments to myself after a day in the office.

- Do you have the time?

- I do… some… maybe… what for?

I laughed.

- I meant: what time is it now?

- Almost eight in the evening.

- Oh. So late. I did not realize it was that late. I gotta go.

He held my hand. I was speechless. For some reason I felt a chill going up my spine.

- Don’t go… yet… Would you have a cup of coffee with me? One day? Today? Now?

- Erm... I... don’t… know…

- Well, then just say yes!

***

I felt his arms around my waist. He pulled me closer to him and kissed my face, in a very natural way. For some reason I thought he was remembering the same occasion I was. Our minds can be funny sometimes. I smiled and kissed his cheek.

***

We decided to have dinner together, at a fancy restaurant downtown. It was located almost at the top of the street, in an old house, remodelled and modernized to fit the needs of a clientele used to the vegan and vegetarian new fashion in food serving. The white and light-blue plaster vine decorations climbed up the walls to the ceiling of the back room. The wooden floor seemed to be still the original one. Double-leaf doors give view to a patio illuminated by carefully chosen old-fashioned lamp posts. A large colourful fuchsia bougainvillea grew on the right side of the orchard, close to a line of white painted heavy cast iron furniture, probably used on sunny days or early summer evenings. 

The special mushroom risotto was exquisitely prepared and served with flamboyant mastery. I detected a hint of balsamic in the rich and creamy dish. It tasted like nothing I had savoured before. A chilled fruity white wine was chosen to accompany the dish and we shared a delicate dessert called “Chocolate Decadence”, followed by black coffee.

We paid the bill and went down the steps of a staircase at the entrance and gained the street. The wind was blowing fresher and we thought the night was pleasant for a side by side walk. We were enjoying being with each other, without talking much. Life can be so simple and good at the same time.

I thought of cats living their simple lives with simple pleasures and desired not much more than that. But we are just humans living like humans the best way we can. What else for a nice plate, a warm bed and a cuddling?

We heard the thunder very close by. I quivered a little.

- Are you afraid?

- No. Not really.

- Good. Then we need to go faster. It seems we’ll have rain very soon.

Before we reached the parking lot, however, the rain fell heavy and cold over our warm bodies. When we got to the car, we were soaking wet and feeling very cold. I turned the heat on and got rid of the wet shirt and shoes.

Then we saw him, standing by the gate and backgrounded by the heavy rain falling down…

***

Contradictions (Part 2 of 2)

- You what?

- I let him kiss me… and I kissed him back.

- Are you out of your mind? Why? You said you hated him…

- And I did. I still hate him and I hate myself even more for letting him do that to me. I was weak…

- Weak? And what about us? 

I looked at his handsome face, showing the expression of a sad disbelief and I felt so bad and guilty. He did not deserve it at all, especially from me. 

What a fool I was! I was not only weak, I was also completely out of my mind, not thinking about the extent of what I had done. And then it was too late to go back. I knew that man and I also knew that his trust was very hard to keep after my inconsistent behaviour. 

- I’m so sorry. I really am. 

I could see the disenchantment covering his face like a heavy and dark cloud and I could not help but feel severely responsible for that. He was devastated and I was confused and disappointed at myself. 

He was wordless, so he just turned around and left. 

I wondered if I could ever mend that situation and even if I could I knew he would never trust me blindly again. 

If I could ever turn back time…

***

A small pot with a bunch of Myosotis was delivered by the florist at my door. I did not need any card to find out who the sender was, but looked for one in the middle of the delicate blue petals anyway. A simple message, not signed, was written in a small card. I felt a pinch in my stomach. 

‘I can’t forget you… Forget-me-not’…

I knew those flowers’ popular name, so the message was clear both ways. I wondered why he was doing that and what he still wanted from me.

I was living alone for some weeks after the incident and I was trying not to stress my mind out, assuming my mistakes and knowing some acts are unforgivable, especially in terms of relationships. I gave time to my lover to think about us and to myself to get used to being alone again. On the other hand, I was avoiding the man who was sending me direct messages, trying to get back to my life and heart.

How complicated life can be with all those things happening, like storms, one after the other? Was that a fair thing or was it only a way life found to make me stronger and harder and hopefully not heartless?

I took the flower pot and put it outside in the balcony, so I would not look at it most of the times. The flowers were not responsible for anything and as living beings deserved to survive. I would water them once a day before deciding what to do next.

When I got back inside, the telephone was ringing. 

- Did you get the flowers? They mean a lot, you know. I hope you have not forgotten…

- Forgotten?

- You are trying to fool me. I know you very well. You would never forget things like those…

- Do you really?

He laughed. He knew me so very well. I still remembered, of course. No one could ever believe how my memories were still so vivid and yet I wished they were not.

***

‘I am very close now. About three minutes or so away. What is the room number again?’

I sent him a text message back with the information and waited. Five minutes later I opened the door of room 308 and let the handsome ginger head man in. 

We were in each other’s arms within seconds after he walked in and I could feel how excited he’s got as soon as we kissed. He was passionate, intense and manly, in spite of the delicate and soft touch of his fingertips on my skin. His hands found their way all over my body, as soon as my clothes turned out to be just like pieces of the furniture, scattered all around in the small bedroom. 

We spent the whole day and night together, savouring every moment of that weekend encounter. After leaving the hotel the morning after, on the way to the train station, he said he loved that bunch of tiny flowers on the flower shop window. The blue petals called his attention and the popular name was a direct message to me. The tiny Myosotis were popularly known as ‘forget-me-nots’.

He then bought me a small pot of those delicate flowers, so I could keep it and remember our brief, but intense moments. I gave him my scarf as a reminder, when we kissed goodbye. We would see each other at least once or twice a month, for we lived in different cities, some hundred miles apart.

We had a few other great and passionate weekends together. In the meantime we used to talk over the phone every other day. 

For some strange reason, after some months, however, those contacts started to cool down and dwindle and then he went silent for a time. I thought he was getting bored of that situation and decided to stop seeing me. Things like those happen all the time and I was not really surprised, although a bit disappointed. The distance between us was an impediment to deepen our affair. I still tried to keep the flames burning alive, leaving loving private messages to him, but he did not bother to respond them for a long while. 

I considered there was a motive for the lack of contact and I tried to understand the reasons behind the actions. Maybe he did not want to worry me. Maybe he was tired and did not want to be upset by explanations. Maybe… maybe… maybe…

There were so many maybes to consider and none of them seem to be strong enough to substantiate the silence and the lack of contact. 

One Saturday morning when I was getting back home from the supermarket, I got a call. His voice sounded strange and different. I thought to myself there was something wrong, but waited until he talked his heart. 

He said he tried but could not contact me as much as he would like to, for there was someone else in his life. He needed a very special favour from me. He wanted me to send a short e-mail message, stating there had never been anything else than just a mild friendship between us. He needed that to show his woman that we were just acquaintances, for she had found one of my messages on his phone messenger and got furious at him. 

That hit me like a dagger being stabbed on my back. I felt betrayed, abandoned and lonely all of a sudden.

I still tried to sound cool and unaffected, but I was so sad, upset and offended that I decided I had to stop that situation for good and forget him for the sake of my sanity. He did not deserve my tears or my worries. 

He would get his message, as he needed and then I could go back to my dull life, while he would go back to his life and his woman as well.

He never sent me another word since then, so I called it quits. 

A couple of years have passed from the day we had that last contact and I was comfortably living on my own and used to my secluded and simple life. 

One Sunday morning, I was having brunch at the Café downtown and I saw a tall blond man coming in. His flaxen hair was shining under the light in the room and his bright blue eyes crossed mine when he sat at the table right opposite to mine. 

From that special Sunday on, my heart healed slowly from the previous wound and I felt I was lucky to have my blond lover brightening my life up. He moved in weeks after we started dating and I never regretted that decision. He was a good man and treated me with kindness and respect, in addition to being a generous and sensible lover. 

When the doorbell rang, one late morning, while we were having our Sunday brunch together, I could not anticipate who it could be. It was hard to believe I was again standing in front of the man who hurt me so much in my past. He was on the door threshold, acting as if nothing had ever happened that would have set us apart…

***

- It is another of my contradictions trying to make sense… maybe they don’t really do…

- Well, they really do make perfect sense to me. Believe me. Your coming and going into my life is not good for me at all and I don’t think is good for you either…

- I understand what you say, but we could try once more. We can make this thing work this time.

- I tried to convince myself that I should be patient and understanding. I tried to convince myself we were made for each other. Now I know I was wrong… and this is not any of my contradictions. I was unfair to the man who was kind and always faithful to me and I deeply regret it. You’re not him and you will never be… you’re, in fact, mean and spoilt and do not deserve either my tears or my love and affection.

And that was the last time I had any contact with that ginger man.

***

I had to try and make some amends, otherwise I would feel guilty for the rest of my life, so I got in contact with my good friend and asked him to come and have a coffee with me at a certain Café downtown. By the tone of his voice, I could feel he was still uncertain and upset, but I insisted and finally gave up and accepted.

I was sitting at the same table when we saw each other for the first time. When he came in, tall and handsome, I recalled the same sensation of the first time. Butterflies flew in my stomach but this time for a completely different reason. I was very anxious.

He walked toward me with firm steps and found his way when he saw me sitting there, but did not smile. I got even apprehensive than before.

- How have you been? 

- I’m OK. My work absorbs more of my time than I need, but I can cope with that.

- Right. Would you like some coffee? I definitely need one.

- Yes, sure. I’ll call the waiter.

No intimacy. No smiles. No hope. But I still had to make an extra effort. The waiter came and brought our coffees and we drank in silence. For two people who used to be lovers, that was quite awkward. I decided I had to break the silence for the sake of my future sanity.

- Let’s be fair to each other. We need to sort this out or else…

- Don’t. There is nothing else to sort out anymore. Time for fairness and patience has gone. Now it is too late… It’s really too late for us.

That time it was I who was wordless. He had been holding his deception and anger for such a long and painful time. It was the time and occasion to express what was still going on in his once so tender heart. I had to give the man his chance to speak up as freely as possible. And he did. I listened to him in the most difficult silence to bear. 

He was in his right to say what he had stuck in his mind for so long and I had to take it and swallow his words like a very bitter medicine. I just did not know if that would provide me any healing at all.

My feelings and emotions were broken, shattered and scattered all around the place. I felt like asphyxiating. I needed some air urgently. I ordered the bill, paid it and got up, walking straight to the door. He followed me in silence.

As we walked down to the beach, I was feeling so sad I could not see or think clearly. The day was heavy as were my heart and soul. Dark grey clouds were announcing bad weather for very soon.

We stood side by side, for a long while, watching the sea go back and forth, in that monotonous and constant movement. My mind was void. I could only feel an immense sorrow trying to swallow me like a giant black hole. 

He said nothing all the time, keeping his stare on the horizon or on a point beyond it. 

I turned around halfway to look at him, but he seemed as empty and far away as was his mind as well. 

I felt I needed to do something as my last chance and then I kissed the back of his shoulders, holding his both arms in my hands and trying to show him there was still so much affection and love in me, but he shivered a bit and then tensed up immediately. 

I felt it was so difficult to swallow my pride and not to cry. I stopped and closed my eyes. Then I just walked away, saying nothing. There was nothing else to say. There was nothing else for me with him any longer.

He never turned around to look at me, he never said anything nor did he try to hold me back. Those arms and chest where I once felt so safe and sheltered in his embrace were not there to hold me anymore. 

The man I loved once and so much could not trust me to any further extent and I knew there could never be any healthy relationship without trust. Our time together was gone and I sadly accepted it was all my fault. I had to learn how to live with that for the rest of my life.

I did not turn around as I walked back on my way to the car. It was time to face it and just walk away while there was still a thin trace of pride in me. I would have to face solitude as my only one companion again.

Behind my back I heard the drumming of thunders and the flashes of lightnings, so I knew what was coming next…

In seconds, the storm started and I was surrounded by the sudden shower of cold water pouring over my head and body. I felt no shame at all for crying, allowing the raindrops to mingle with my weeping. How cliché it was, crying in the rain, but I was not worried about how common or how idiot that could seem… It was raining inside me as well… and heavily… 

I did not feel like running. I just wanted the rain to wash my pain away for a while… and it did… for a second or two…

In my heart I knew we would never set eyes on each other ever again after that stormy day… and I was right…