Hyacinthus (Final)

“Down on my knees, down on my knees once again... 

  I'm down on my knees, down on my knees once again... 

  Breaking in tears, breaking in tears once again...

  It's hard for me, but I'm trying”… (Adam Evald; “That Day”)

***

- What have you done?

- If he’s not mine, he’s not anyone else’s either…

- Are you out of your mind? And what do we do now?

He revealed that maleficent smile again, while speaking very slowly and clearly.

- I won’t do anything… I have just done what I wanted to… You’re the one who has to do something now.

- Oh, my God! What do I do now?

- Take your medicine and I’ll disappear… and you’ll have to face a crime… alone… or you can call it an accident. Perhaps they’ll buy it, or else…

- Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

***

- You’re delirious! There’s nothing in there.

- I promise you there was a body. A dead man! He was right there!    

   

- How long since you’ve taken your last pill?

- I’m not sure. I’ve lost track of time.

- Look at me. Focus. Now! How long?

- I don’t know. A couple of weeks, maybe.

- Weeks? Are you crazy? You know you must take it every day!!! How do you know you’re not hallucinating?

- I’m not. I mean, I don’t think so…

- You don’t think so? You don’t think so?!?!? What does that mean? Don’t you see you can be convicted as accessory to a crime? If there was really a crime!

- I’m not an accessory. I did not encourage or participate in that...

- You’ll have to prove it, if we ever find the body.

He kneeled on the floor, holding his head with both hands and cried, like a child, when they heard the sound of the siren coming closer.

***

There was silence in the darkness. There was darkness in that silence.

The man looked around. He seemed to be alone. He was not sure where he was. He heard a dry click and suddenly a door was opened. The light pierced his eyes. He tried to cover his face with both hands, but he could not move them. He was not alone anymore.

- How do you feel?

- What is this? Where am I?

- You’re safe now. We will take care of you…

The men dressed in white came closer. He had the impression he knew one of them. He saw his friend on the corner of the room, but that could be just an impression… his mind playing games with him.

A sudden sting in his left arm made him open his eyes wide, but he soon felt he could not keep them open for much longer. He could still hear the noises of people talking, but the words were vanishing in the confusing mix of different voices.

Then it was all dark again… and silent…

***

- How is he doing?

- He’s been in and out. He’s just coming out of another crisis. His case became more and more complex with the passing of time and the fact that he did not take the medication for months.

- I see…

The doctor was being as honest and practical as he could be.

- He needs to stay in intensive care for some time still, before we release him.

- Will he ever been cured? I mean, even with a lifetime prescription process?

- We’ll never know for sure… Life is full of surprises…

***

- Will you help me out of here?

- That’s what I’m doing…

- No. Not this way, no…

- It is the only way now.

- Please…

- You asked me once if I knew about your feelings for me and I said I was not good at speaking my heart out. Well, I thought a lot about that, and the only way out is staying in. And this is so because I really care about you. More than anything else… I’ll be here for you all the time.

His eyes were fixed on his loved comrade. There was a mix of pity, concern and true affection. He touched his friend’s face, very lightly.

- You are so kind…

- And you’re so stoned…

He closed his eyes and fell asleep with a smile on his face.

***

Patience, medication and a close vigilance proved to be the most effective treatment for his schizophrenia.

The doctors discharge him from the treatment centre after deciding he was ready to go back to his almost normal life and to the things and people he was used to, when the symptoms seemed to have disappeared completely.

He was relieved and so was his best friend and mentor. They needed a celebration. They had agreed they would go to the beach house, as he wanted to spend a time by the sea, far from doctors and nurses.

They drove to the beach so to spend more than just that weekend away.

***

- Don’t go away. I don’t want you to leave anymore.

- I’m right here. Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere.

- I feel sad when I think that he died that way. I still feel guilty about all of that…

- He’s not dead, silly!

- What do you mean?

- How could he? He’d never been real.

- You should not be here either. Not anymore… at least… but…

He smiled. That strange smirk again.

- Your mind is more powerful than you want to admit! Have you taken your pills today?

- I have, of course.

- Then?

- You’re still here.

- See? If after all this time you still see me… well, you know how to put two and two together. I’m glad you’ve kept our secret that I’ve never really disappeared. Now, look around. Don’t you see him? At that side of the beach, close to the rocks?

He walked some timid steps to that direction.

His perception of everything around him seemed more accurate and clear than ever before: the breeze… the raging sea... a sound he had known very well…

The discus fell at his feet. When he leaned forward to catch it, he heard the giggle. The man’s ginger hair was shining in the sun. He loved that handsome and masculine face and that bright smile, almost brighter than the sun.  

He looked at him, smiling and feeling relieved. They hugged each other in silence.

They both started crying, filled with a strange and authentic happiness.

The sky above was very clean and blue. The wind wafted around them and it felt like an embrace and a kiss blown on their faces. They heard a chuckle. 

He knew Zephyr was laughing at them from a distance.

***

The day was sunny and warm, and the breeze was really welcoming. His friend’s hand lay upon his shoulder and he felt protected, loved and, if that was possible, as free as a seabird.

- You’re the kindest and more loved creature of the Universe! I would never be thankful enough for the patience and care and attention and…

- Oh! Stop it! I really care about you. A lot… And I’m not afraid of saying that anymore.

Stripping off his t-shirt and getting rid of his training shoes and shorts, he walked straight to the sea, followed by his best friend, who was as naked and feeling as free as he was.

Two figures were observing them, sitting on the rocks, from a safe distance.

He pretended not to see them, but he sensed they were smiling, as if they were having fun with all that.

***

De Jacinto (Parte 2)

- De todas as lendas mitológicas, a minha favorita sempre foi a de Apolo.

- Ah! A minha sempre foi a de Narciso!

- Faz sentido! E, mesmo te conhecendo do jeito que eu te conheço,  jamais teria adivinhado...

Eles se entreolharam, muito sérios, por um tempo e depois caíram na gargalhada.

***

As férias de verão estavam quase no fim e ele se preparava para voltar à sua vida normal. Havia decidido arrumar as coisas e colocá-las no porta-malas do carro, enquanto ainda era de manhã cedo, mas mudou de ideia, assim que abriu a porta.

Um lindo e ensolarado dia acabava de nascer e, embora inicialmente pretendesse deixar o local na hora do almoço, ele achou que seria melhor adiar a viagem para o final da tarde, para que pudesse relaxar e aproveitar seu último dia de paz, na praia.

O sol subia lentamente no céu. Logo estaria quente o suficiente.

Uma corrida rápida na praia seria boa para sentir-se livre e leve, antes de preparar sua mente e corpo para a semana seguinte e para as rotinas a que estava acostumado, incluindo as sessões de terapia. Ele tinha muitas coisas a conversar.

Mas não era o momento certo para pensar nos assuntos da semana. O que precisava, mesmo, era manter a cabeça tranquila até o fim daquele último dia, pelo menos.

Correu por alguns minutos pela praia e, quando voltou, olhou para o mar, que parecia convidá-lo, despiu-se e foi nadar. A água estava fria, mas o dia já estava razoavelmente quente. Ele pensou que era um homem de sorte, afinal.

Sorriu, quando pensou no amigo.

(- Nome engraçado!)

Eles se conheciam há algum tempo e ainda mantinham a mesma simpatia que tinham desde o início. Melhor dizendo: aquele sentimento ficara mais forte com o tempo e com a intimidade que eles compartilhavam. Além disso, havia um autêntico respeito que nutriam um pelo outro e isso fazia toda a diferença.

- Quanto tempo vais ficar na água ainda?

- Ahn? O quê?

- Vais congelar aí. Esta água está tão fria!

Ele não respondeu, mas percebeu que havia esquecido como a água estava fria, tão distraído que estava com seus próprios pensamentos. Sentiu seus músculos enrijarem. Era hora de sair do mar e voltar para casa.

***

- Tu sabes o que sinto a este respeito, não?

- Sim. E tu sabes que eu não sou bom em expressar meus sentimentos...

- O que tu vais fazer?

- Não posso fazer nada além do que já estou fazendo. Estou profundamente envolvido nisto, mas é o melhor que posso fazer... pelo menos por enquanto.

- Compreendo.

- Eu te desapontei, não foi?

- Na verdade, não. Eu tento manter meus dois pés, firmes, no chão.

- Nunca fiz promessas, porque sabia que não seria capaz de cumpri-las.

- Eu sei o que queres dizer. Foi só...

Ele parou no meio da frase. Ele quase disse e sabia que ter-se-ia arrependido logo depois, se o fizesse.

O outro homem simplesmente olhou para ele, com uma tristeza repentina nos olhos. Ele sabia exatamente como aquela frase poderia terminar. Infelizmente.

Ficaram em silêncio por um longo tempo. Foi um momento em que as palavras não significariam nada, porque ambos sabiam o idioma que seus corações falavam. Um silêncio caiu pesadamente entre eles.

Os dois evitaram olhar nos rostos e olhos um do outro. Suas lágrimas não lhes permitiam ver claramente, de qualquer maneira, mesmo que eles quisessem.

***

“I'll never forget what happened that day,

 The fear in your eyes, the cutting away

 You left to my world fine memories,

 But I've turned them into sworn enemies

 That day”... (Adam Evald; “That Day”)

(Nunca esquecerei o que aconteceu naquele dia,

 O medo em seus olhos, a separação

 Você deixou no meu mundo boas lembranças,

 Mas eu as transformei em inimigos jurados

 Naquele dia)...

- Essa música de novo? Tu nunca te cansas de ouvir?

Ele ignorou a ironia.

- Por que tu vens aqui sempre que me vês sozinho?

- Eu sinto que tu precisas de mim.

- Como podes?

Ele sorriu. Isso significava que não responderia. O homem já estava tão acostumado com aquilo, que nem tentou discutir.

- Vou ver um terapeuta hoje.

- Isso é uma estupidez e um grande desperdício. Tu não precisas de um.

- É isso que tu achas? Tu és o motivo pelo qual eu preciso ver um.

- Besteira! Não precisas de ninguém, além de mim.

- Arrogância? Agora? Deves estar de brincadeira comigo.

Ele sorriu de novo.

- Vá, se quiseres. Acho que estás errado, de qualquer maneira. Eu sei que não me vais dar razão, até que percebas que, realmente, não precisas da ajuda de um estranho.

- Eu sei e tu sabes que eu sei.

- Brincando com as palavras agora? Isso é tão típico em ti.

O homem simplesmente sorriu de volta. Como sua contraparte, ele não queria... nem precisava... responder à aquela provocação.

***

O homem sentou-se na poltrona de couro castanho, no lado esquerdo da sala, e esperou. O terapeuta havia-lhe perguntado se aceitava uma chávena de café.

O zumbido da máquina serviu de música de fundo para os seus pensamentos. Ele tentava encontrar uma maneira de iniciar a conversa. Sabia como a terapia funcionava e precisava ir direto ao ponto, por vários motivos. Quanto mais rápido o fizesse, melhor seria para os resultados. Além disso, havia razões pecuniárias a serem levadas em consideração, também.

- Eu preciso de ajuda. Urgentemente! Não é fácil dizer isso, mas é o único jeito.

- Bem, isto já é um bom começo. De que tipo de ajuda estás a falar?

- Não quero vir com um diagnóstico pronto e dizer o que preciso fazer, mas haverás de concordar comigo que vou precisar tomar medicamentos, o mais rápido possível.

- E o que te leva a pensar em algo assim?

- Confesso que já passei por isso antes e não levei a sério. Agora vejo que realmente preciso, ou, então, vou entrar em uma viagem de ida até o fim, completamente fora de controlo. E eu não gosto e nem quero uma coisa destas. Pensei que conseguiria lidar com o problema sozinho e sair ileso, mas não posso. Eu, simplesmente, não consigo.

- Do que estás falando? Vá direto ao ponto, por favor.

- Eu ouço vozes na minha cabeça o tempo todo e vejo pessoas que não existem, na realidade.

- E como tu sabes que elas não existem?

- Porque eu já fui diagnosticado como esquizofrênico!

***

Hyacinthus (Part 2)

- Of all the mythological legends, my all-time favourite has always been Apollo’s.

- Oh! Mine is Narcissus!

- It figures! I would have never guessed…

They looked at each other, seriously, for a while and then burst into laughter.

***

The summer holidays were almost over and he was getting ready to go back to his normal life. He had decided to pack his things and put them in the trunk of his car, while it was still early in the morning, but changed his idea, as soon as he opened the door.

It would be a nice sunny Saturday and although he intended initially to leave the place by lunch time, he thought it would be better to postpone it to the end of the afternoon, so he could have a relaxing last day at the beach.

The sun was slowly rising up in the sky. Soon it would be warm enough.

A quick sprint by the shore would be good to prepare his mind and body for the week ahead and the routines he was used to, including the therapy sessions. He had so many things to talk about.

It was not the right time to think about the week affairs, though. He needed to keep an easy mind for that last day, at least.

He jogged for some minutes along the beach and when he was back, he looked at the inviting sea, stripped off and went for a swim. The water was cold but the day was warm already. He thought he was a lucky man after all.

He smiled when he thought about his friend.

(- Funny name!)

They had known each other for some time and still kept the same sympathy they had since the beginning. Better saying: that feeling grew stronger with time and with the intimacy they shared. Besides that, there was a true respect for each other and that made the whole difference.

- How long are you going to be in the water still?

- Uh? What?

- You’re gonna freeze. This water is so cold!

He did not respond, but realized he had forgotten about the water and how cold it was, so distracted he was with his own thoughts. He felt his muscles going rigid. It was time to go off the sea and head home.

***

- You know my feelings about this, don’t you?

- I do. And you know I’m not good at speaking my feelings out…

- What will you do?

- I can’t do anything other than what I’m already doing. I’m deeply and fully in this, but this is the farthest I can go... at least for now.

- I understand.

- Do I disappoint you?

- Not really. I try to have my two feet set firmly on the ground.

- I’ve never made any promises, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep them.

- I know what you mean. It was just…

He stopped in the middle of the sentence. He almost said it and he knew he would have regretted it soon after if he did.

The other man simply looked at him with a sudden gloom in his eyes. He knew exactly how that sentence could end. Sadly.

They sat, quiet, for quite a long time. That was a moment when words would mean nothing, because they knew the language their feelings spoke. Silence weighed heavily between the two.

They avoided looking into each other’s faces and eyes. Their tears would not allow them to see clearly anyway.

***

“I'll never forget what happened that day,

 The fear in your eyes, the cutting away

 You left to my world fine memories,

 But I've turned them into sworn enemies

 That day”... (Adam Evald; “That Day”)

- This song again? Don’t you ever tire of listening to it?

He ignored the irony.

- Why do you come here only when you know I’m alone?

- I feel you need me.

- How can you?

He smiled. That meant he would not reply. The man was so used to that already, he did not even try to argue.

- I’m seeing a therapist today.

- That’s stupid and a waste. You don’t need any.

- Is that what you think? You’re the reason I need to see one.

- Bullshit! You don’t need anyone but me.

- Arrogance? Now? You must be kidding me.

He smiled again.

- Go, if you want to. I think you’re wrong. I know you won’t listen to me anyway… until you realize you don’t really need that help from a stranger.

- I know and you know that I know.

- Playing with words now? That’s so much you.

The man simply smiled back. Like his counterpart, he did not want… or need… to riposte to that baiting.

***

The man was offered the seat in the brown leather armchair on the left side of the room and waited. The therapist had asked him if he wanted a cup of coffee.

The buzz of the machine backgrounded his thoughts and he was trying to find a way to start the conversation. He knew how the therapy worked and he needed to go straight to the point for many reasons. The quicker he would do it, the better it would be for the results. Besides that, there were pecuniary reasons to be taken into consideration too.

- I need help. Urgently! Don’t think it is easy for me to say it, but it is the only way.

- Well, that’s a good beginning. What kind of help are you talking about?

- I don’t want to come with a ready diagnosis and tell you what I need to do, but you will agree with me that I will need to go under medication as soon as possible.

- And what leads you to think anything like that?

- I confess I’ve been through that before and did not take it seriously. Now I see I really need to or else I’ll go on a one-way trip to my end and completely out of control. And I don’t like that and don’t want that either. I thought I could live with that and could go over it, but I can’t. I simply can’t.

- What are you talking about? Go straight to the point, man. Please!

- I hear voices in my head all the time and I see people who do not exist in reality.

- How do you know they don’t exist?

- I was already diagnosed as schizophrenic!  

***