One More Night (Epilogue)

We heard the doorbell ring. My daughter got up and walked on to the door, checked the door viewer and immediately opened it.

- May I come in?

- Yes, of course.

I turned around without saying anything, when I recognized the voice.

- May we talk for a minute or so? I promise I won’t be long.

She grabbed her things up as if she was late for something and said:

- I have to go to the supermarket urgently. There are some things I need to buy. I’ll be right back. Please feel at ease.

That strategy was her way of showing how worried she was and that she wanted us to be alone and sort our things out without any interference. The wise girl knew how to do the things so we could catch up. I knew that would not be easy anyway.

He came closer, without smiling, showing some evident apprehension. I did not smile either. He rubbed his hands and said, very low:

- I know I’ve been an asshole…

***

He looked at me with his bright blue eyes. I could hold my stare for much long, as I was afraid of my own feelings about him. My head was spinning, and I felt confused about the things I had just heard.

- Are you not going to say anything?

- I don’t know what to say. I was not expecting to hear these kinds of things this way, anyway.

- But that’s what I feel. I know you must be thinking I have to be sure about my feelings before diving deep into it, but I believe in what I feel despite my insecurities. I’ve never thought something like that would happen to me, but I’d rather try and fail, than never try… and I want to try it… with you…

- This is not going to be at all easy; you know…

- I know. It never is. But this is only about us and no one else. We don’t have to explain anything to anyone anyway.

- I don’t know what to say. This is something new to me. I don’t even know how to react.

- I don’t either, but we can try together. We have nothing to lose…

He stood up and took my hands into his. I tried to avoid his stare, but could not, as the power his eyes had over me was too strong. He put his arms around my waist and pulled me closer, embracing me without hesitation or worries. I did not think much. I just rested my head on his chest and let myself go. I barely knew at that time that our involvement would be a lot deeper than a simple embrace.

***

- After so long, why now?

- I thought I could be away, but I was wrong. I’ve never stopped thinking about you two.

- And what happened to your “new life”?

He noticed the irony and stress I referred to when saying that expression he used when he told us he was going back to his home place to take care of his family business. It sounded like a very poor excuse, but he said he promised his family he would take over the family business if his father passed away. He knew I would not follow him but there were always different acceptable ways to sort some things out. He decided to be away and we’d lost contact, as time went by, naturally.

Unfair, not committed, selfish and irresponsible were but a few of the words I used to refer to him, at the time, but I suspected there were a lot more behind that decision. He was afraid of commitments, as far as I could tell, and our relationship was getting too serious.

Anyway, we went on with our lives, my daughter and I, as it should be, without him, for as long as we could. She grew up, went to school and studied what she liked, became a very responsible and focused person. We had always avoided talking about the past. She was just a child when he left, but she could remember what was happening between the two of us and she missed his attention and care too.

- I’m all alone now. I don’t belong anywhere.

- I see. And what does it change?

- It doesn’t change anything, but I thought a lot about everything. I had plenty of time to do so.

- And you don’t belong to anyone either, do you?

- I’ve never belonged to anyone. You know it better than anyone. And there was no one else in my life since I left you. I was too busy with my work but missed you a lot and was always thinking about you two, believe me.

I looked at him without truly believing a man like him would be all by himself, without anyone, for so long. It was almost impossible. I decided not to argue, anyway. It was not important anymore and I was not into quarrelling about such things.

- How long are you staying around?

I was not sure I should have asked that. I was afraid of the answer.

- I don’t really know.

Perfect answer, being the same as no answer at all. As usual on similar occasions, he answered without answering.

- I see. What are you here for, after all?

- Because I missed you too much and not only...

I looked away.

- Look at me.

I tried to run away but could not.

- What do you want from me?

- Another chance. I know I’ve been stupid, and I’ve made lots of mistakes leaving you the way I did, but I thought a lot about it, and I regret making you suffer because of my non-sense. I want it to go right this time.

I wanted to beat him… hard…

I was tired, sad and angry for what we had gone through and did not know what to think anymore. I just knew I knew nothing about anything at all.

He stood up, held my hands and said:

- Come with me.

- What? Where to?

- Just come with me!

- And the girl?

- Leave her a message. She is not a child anymore and she will understand. We won’t be long, anyway.

***

- I love this place!

- Me too, but we did not come here to watch the sea, did we?

- Yes, we did.

I looked at him, trying to find out if he was being serious or not. He just looked ahead to the horizon, very serious. The ocean was wild as was my heart. He walked two steps behind me. Being taller, he stood behind, then pulled me closer to him in a sudden warm embrace. He laid his chin on my shoulder, his face touching mine. So he whispered in my ears:

- What I want most is to be with you here or wherever. I’m tired of fighting against myself. I want you so much and don’t want to waste another second of my life.

- I should beat you hard, do you know that?

- You can be sure I do.

From where we were, I could hear the old song coming from the loudspeakers on the porch of the restaurant I went to so often in the past, for a coffee and a chat. And it went on…

…” They say that love can move a mountain
      They say love can break your heart 
      They say love can make you forget 
      Things that happened in the past

      For I've tasted your love and
      I need to taste some more 
      So wave goodbye to heaven for me
      I've thrown it all away 
      Just to spend one more night with you”…  (*)

      (*) One more night with you: Ged McMahon 

***

Tattoo (Part 2 of 2)

- Mine is prettier.

- It is. No doubt it was a very beautiful choice.

- I’ve decided for a more modern design and I think I got it so right.

- Definitely yes. It’s very well done and with a beautiful colour effect... I wouldn’t have made a better choice.

He looked at the picture once again and kissed the etched dragon intentionally tattooed between the two dimples in the lower part of my back. My skin was warm and reacted when his lips touched that strategic point located at the base of my spine.

- I love your curves. These two dimples are so incredibly sexy... And now there is also this dragon so well made and meaningful...

I bent slightly up, as if submitting my body to more welcome displays of affection and he accepted the offer so eagerly, it triggered an almost involuntary and almost irreversible reaction. I could feel he did not want to worry about control over anything, anyway. He just lay down on top of me, kissing every part of my body. I felt so loved and so desired by him, my whole body opened for his caresses and for his so welcomed yearning.

- Uhm ... What was that?

No answer. He just kept on kissing me all over. I cringed as he rubbed his lips behind my ear, triggering waves of goose bumps running all over the extension of my skin. He giggled and took advantage of the discovery. It was his chance.

***

- We are marked forever.

- As if we were genuine soul mates...

- Ahaha! There you come, again, with that soul mate thing...

- We're matching souls and bodies, then.

- We're people who like to be with each other and our bodies know that. Isn’t that enough?

- "May it be eternal while it lasts"?

- Maybe that's more than enough...

I laughed, pretending I was happy with that, but my mind accepted things quite different from his. He always tried to keep his emotions under controlled loss of control. He used to say that nothing in life would be eternal and that having high expectations could lead to big disappointments. He did not want our "friendship", so to speak, to lead to anything other than the good things we already had.

I knew things could be more complicated than the simplification he tried to imply about the situation. I was not afraid of being romantic or giving myself in and letting myself go ahead, in the name of a feeling I would want to grow stronger. That was how I was. My head was always in the clouds, my body always ready, when we were together. I wanted that to last forever, although I knew it would end… eventually…

- Let go. Let go. Don’t hold back. Be entirely here with me… Give yourself in to this moment… Don’t be afraid…

I knew the risks involved. I knew the pleasures that relationship had brought to our lives... and I liked the whole thing... but I was not sure about him. He seemed to have his mind so far away sometimes… so untouchable. Maybe I was only being paranoid. Maybe I was right…

***

- Do you like it this way?

- I do, but move a little further up, please.

- On here?

- Yes. That’s it.

I examined him carefully, with opportunistic lascivious eyes, my cheeks flushed with desire, and hummed softly, next to his ear:

"You’re on my heart just like a tattoo"... (Jordin Sparks – Just Like a Tattoo)

I ran my fingers lightly over the drawing, which had been etched in pain on the left side of his waist. I kissed, not only there, but in several other parts of his body, as I used to do, when desire surpassed control.

Our tattoos were almost committed to each other. Two dragons so dissimilar, representing two very different meanings, printed on the skins of two very unalike people. But even so, they were two dragons: two creatures of the same species... or maybe not...

***

- Hug me.

- What happened?

- Shhh.

My body was warm, as if it were burning coal. He had no idea what was going on, so he just stood there, not saying a word, listening to my panting breath and feeling my heart pound against his chest. He sensed something was wrong, but he did not know what it was.

- Tell me what's going on.

- Shhh. Just stay like this, a little longer...

We stayed, what seemed like an endless time, in that tight embrace. When, at last, I released him, I said only in an almost desperate whisper:

- Make love with me… Don’t make love to me: make love with me!

He did not say anything, just let himself go... completely... like an inflatable boat, down the rapids, without oars and without rudder.

We made love as if madness had taken over us. Our bodies burned as if they were suffering from a high fever and we had our bloods running, like hot lava in our veins, ready to erupt at any moment. We sought to satisfy an insatiable thirst, while we drank from the same venom, or its antidote, mixed erratically in our mouths and pursued a comfort that did not exist. We let ourselves be taken by the insanity that made that moment unique and intense, in waves that came and went inside us, like the sea throwing itself on the sands of the beach, in that rhythmic, sometimes languid, sometimes energetic back and forth. We sailed in dark deep waters, like a boat without a helmsman, who ran the risk of wrecking the hull on the reefs and the sharp banks of multi-coloured corals.

He closed his eyes, trying to refrain the distress that was taking hold of him, and let out a scream, like an animal in the forest. His whole body convulsed, in repeated spasms. Then that feeling of abandonment and relaxation followed. Our bodies were inert for a few moments, overcome by fatigue.

We stayed in silence, listening to our breaths, which were slowly going back to their natural rhythm.

We lost track of time and fell into a deep sleep. I had a dream I would never tell him about. I was drowning in the dark chilly waters of doubt and I could not do anything to avoid it. I was choking and there was no one else around to give me a hand. I was so alone and cold…

When I woke up, he was still sleeping. That bed looked huge and cold despite the heat outside.

Something seemed out of place. There was a strange atmosphere and for a moment I felt sad. Anguish tortured my chest. That dream made me think of what was happening between the two of us.

My mouth was very dry. I needed fresh water. I got up and went into the kitchen. It was late at night, and there was a pleasant breeze coming through the open door onto the porch, so I went outside.

***

- Hey.

- Hey.

His voice was almost a whisper. I was about to scream in despair. I tried to stay calm. I thanked the night, for my face was hidden in its darkness.

- What are you doing?

- Thinking...

- Do I bother you?

- Of course not.

He came closer and kissed my back and neck, then rubbed his lips, very lightly, all the way down my back to stop at the tattoo, almost invisible in the shade. My skin shivered and I let my body curl toward him in a reaction of agreement. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

- I love your smell.

- Hmm...

- You're an addiction... I feel like I cannot live without you.

I turned to him, my face neatly hidden in the gloom.

- I'm going away.

- Are you? Why?

- It must be. You're right. This became a real addiction. I'm losing control.

- But that's good, isn’t it?

How I wished that was the whole truth about it, but I had to keep it simple.

- I don’t know. I'm suffocating. I cannot go on like this... I need space for myself... I have a lot to think about...

- I don’t understand…

- I do not even know if I understand, but... I must do something... and it has to be urgently... If I stay, I will make you unhappy...

- Unhappy? How come?

The answer was a lot more complicated than the question, so I stayed quiet. His idea of ​​happiness was so different from mine. He was happy with that situation and I needed more. I just wanted it to give me more peace of mind, more composure, more security. I had to leave before becoming sad and tired of trying to always be there for him and his physical desires.

I looked at him with a mixture of sadness and anticipation in my expression.

He was silent for a few minutes, not knowing how to react. I don’t think he knew what to think. His mind searched for reasons and reasons to justify that decision and could find none.

- I know I must respect your will. There's nothing I can do to change that, is there?

- I really must go.

- Okay then, but this is all very sad...

- We will have so many beautiful memories to keep, will not we?

- Many... We will always have our tattoos, vivid in our skins, to bring them to the memory every time.

- Well, dragons always come back in the spring...

- Do they?

- Uh-huh... With the first full moon...

- I've never thought of that.

He looked me in the eyes and saw my decision was made.  I could not smile, as my soul was torn in pieces. There was nothing else to be said. That was definitely goodbye.

***

I still keep my precious tattoo. It reminds me of great times with a wonderful man… who was never mine entirely. The pain I felt when the needle pierced my skin to imprint that wonderful dragon on my lower back was nothing compared to the sorrow I felt by the decision I’ve made to leave him, despite so many times regretting that...

Who knows how strong I can be and what decisions I still can make in the future, anyway…. Time can change everything… so many times…