One More Night (Epilogue)

We heard the doorbell ring. My daughter got up and walked on to the door, checked the door viewer and immediately opened it.

- May I come in?

- Yes, of course.

I turned around without saying anything, when I recognized the voice.

- May we talk for a minute or so? I promise I won’t be long.

She grabbed her things up as if she was late for something and said:

- I have to go to the supermarket urgently. There are some things I need to buy. I’ll be right back. Please feel at ease.

That strategy was her way of showing how worried she was and that she wanted us to be alone and sort our things out without any interference. The wise girl knew how to do the things so we could catch up. I knew that would not be easy anyway.

He came closer, without smiling, showing some evident apprehension. I did not smile either. He rubbed his hands and said, very low:

- I know I’ve been an asshole…

***

He looked at me with his bright blue eyes. I could hold my stare for much long, as I was afraid of my own feelings about him. My head was spinning, and I felt confused about the things I had just heard.

- Are you not going to say anything?

- I don’t know what to say. I was not expecting to hear these kinds of things this way, anyway.

- But that’s what I feel. I know you must be thinking I have to be sure about my feelings before diving deep into it, but I believe in what I feel despite my insecurities. I’ve never thought something like that would happen to me, but I’d rather try and fail, than never try… and I want to try it… with you…

- This is not going to be at all easy; you know…

- I know. It never is. But this is only about us and no one else. We don’t have to explain anything to anyone anyway.

- I don’t know what to say. This is something new to me. I don’t even know how to react.

- I don’t either, but we can try together. We have nothing to lose…

He stood up and took my hands into his. I tried to avoid his stare, but could not, as the power his eyes had over me was too strong. He put his arms around my waist and pulled me closer, embracing me without hesitation or worries. I did not think much. I just rested my head on his chest and let myself go. I barely knew at that time that our involvement would be a lot deeper than a simple embrace.

***

- After so long, why now?

- I thought I could be away, but I was wrong. I’ve never stopped thinking about you two.

- And what happened to your “new life”?

He noticed the irony and stress I referred to when saying that expression he used when he told us he was going back to his home place to take care of his family business. It sounded like a very poor excuse, but he said he promised his family he would take over the family business if his father passed away. He knew I would not follow him but there were always different acceptable ways to sort some things out. He decided to be away and we’d lost contact, as time went by, naturally.

Unfair, not committed, selfish and irresponsible were but a few of the words I used to refer to him, at the time, but I suspected there were a lot more behind that decision. He was afraid of commitments, as far as I could tell, and our relationship was getting too serious.

Anyway, we went on with our lives, my daughter and I, as it should be, without him, for as long as we could. She grew up, went to school and studied what she liked, became a very responsible and focused person. We had always avoided talking about the past. She was just a child when he left, but she could remember what was happening between the two of us and she missed his attention and care too.

- I’m all alone now. I don’t belong anywhere.

- I see. And what does it change?

- It doesn’t change anything, but I thought a lot about everything. I had plenty of time to do so.

- And you don’t belong to anyone either, do you?

- I’ve never belonged to anyone. You know it better than anyone. And there was no one else in my life since I left you. I was too busy with my work but missed you a lot and was always thinking about you two, believe me.

I looked at him without truly believing a man like him would be all by himself, without anyone, for so long. It was almost impossible. I decided not to argue, anyway. It was not important anymore and I was not into quarrelling about such things.

- How long are you staying around?

I was not sure I should have asked that. I was afraid of the answer.

- I don’t really know.

Perfect answer, being the same as no answer at all. As usual on similar occasions, he answered without answering.

- I see. What are you here for, after all?

- Because I missed you too much and not only...

I looked away.

- Look at me.

I tried to run away but could not.

- What do you want from me?

- Another chance. I know I’ve been stupid, and I’ve made lots of mistakes leaving you the way I did, but I thought a lot about it, and I regret making you suffer because of my non-sense. I want it to go right this time.

I wanted to beat him… hard…

I was tired, sad and angry for what we had gone through and did not know what to think anymore. I just knew I knew nothing about anything at all.

He stood up, held my hands and said:

- Come with me.

- What? Where to?

- Just come with me!

- And the girl?

- Leave her a message. She is not a child anymore and she will understand. We won’t be long, anyway.

***

- I love this place!

- Me too, but we did not come here to watch the sea, did we?

- Yes, we did.

I looked at him, trying to find out if he was being serious or not. He just looked ahead to the horizon, very serious. The ocean was wild as was my heart. He walked two steps behind me. Being taller, he stood behind, then pulled me closer to him in a sudden warm embrace. He laid his chin on my shoulder, his face touching mine. So he whispered in my ears:

- What I want most is to be with you here or wherever. I’m tired of fighting against myself. I want you so much and don’t want to waste another second of my life.

- I should beat you hard, do you know that?

- You can be sure I do.

From where we were, I could hear the old song coming from the loudspeakers on the porch of the restaurant I went to so often in the past, for a coffee and a chat. And it went on…

…” They say that love can move a mountain
      They say love can break your heart 
      They say love can make you forget 
      Things that happened in the past

      For I've tasted your love and
      I need to taste some more 
      So wave goodbye to heaven for me
      I've thrown it all away 
      Just to spend one more night with you”…  (*)

      (*) One more night with you: Ged McMahon 

***

Uma Noite A Mais (Epílogo)

Nós ouvimos a campainha da porta tocar. Minha filha levantou-se e foi atender, não sem antes verificar quem era, pelo olho mágico.

- Posso entrar?

- Claro.

Eu me virei, sem dizer nada, ao reconhecer a voz.

- Podemos conversar uns minutos? Prometo que tentarei ser breve.

Ela pegou as coisas dela, meio às pressas, e disse:

- Eu tenho que ir ao supermercado comprar umas coisinhas e já volto. Fiquem à vontade!

Aquela saída estratégica era sua forma de tentar deixar-nos a sós, para resolvermos nossas pendências, ou colocar a conversa em dia, embora eu soubesse que não ia ser nada fácil.

Eu esperei que ele chegasse mais perto, sem sorrir. Ele parecia pouco à vontade e muito sério, também.

- Sente-se.

Ele sentou-se na ponta do assento da poltrona, de frente para mim. Esfregou as mãos e começou a falar, com a voz muito baixa.

- Eu sei que tenho sido um idiota…

***

Ele me olhou com aqueles seus olhos claros. Não consegui fitá-los por muito tempo. Tinha verdadeiro receio do que eu sentia. Minha cabeça ainda estava confusa com o que havia acabado de ouvir.

- Não vais dizer mais nada?

- Não sei o que dizer. Não esperava ouvir isto, desta forma.

- Mas é o que eu sinto. Sei que tu deves achar que eu tenho de ter certeza, antes de me jogar de cabeça, mas acredito no que eu sinto, apesar das minhas inseguranças. Nunca pensei que fosse acontecer algo assim comigo, mas prefiro tentar e falhar, se for o caso, do que nunca tentar... E eu quero tentar…

- Isso não vai ser nada fácil.

- Eu sei. Nunca é. Mas não diz respeito a mais ninguém, além de nós. Não temos que dar satisfação a ninguém.

- Eu não sei o que dizer. É uma coisa muito nova. Nem sei como reagir.

- Nem eu. Mas podemos tentar juntos. Não temos nada a perder…

Ele levantou-se e tomou minhas mãos nas suas. Eu tentei baixar o olhar, mas o peso daqueles olhos fixos nos meus, me impediu. Ele passou os braços em torno da minha cintura e puxou-me para mais perto dele, abraçando-me, sem preocupação. Eu não pensei muito. Aconcheguei minha cabeça no seu peito e tentei deixar-me levar. Mal sabia eu que aquele envolvimento ia ser mais profundo que um simples abraço.

***

- Já se passaram tantos anos, por que agora?

- Eu pensei que conseguia ficar longe, mas vejo que não. Nunca consegui deixar de pensar em vocês.

- O que aconteceu com a tua “nova vida”?

Ele percebeu a ironia na pronúncia da expressão que usara, quando nos disse que ia partir de volta para a terra natal e tratar dos negócios da família. Pareceu-me uma desculpa tão fraca, mas ele disse que tinha feito uma promessa e que ia assumir as atividades, se o pai viesse a faltar. Claro que ele sabia que eu não o acompanharia, mas sempre haveria um jeito de contornar certas coisas. Mas ele preferiu manter-se à distância e fomos perdendo contacto, pouco a pouco, como seria natural, em situações similares.

Injusto, pouco comprometido, egoísta e sem consideração, foram apenas alguns dos adjetivos que eu usei, na época, mas desconfiava que havia muito mais por trás daquela decisão. Ele tinha medo de compromissos mais sérios, pelo que eu pude perceber. E a nossa relação estava a ficar séria demais.

Enfim, eu e minha filha continuamos nossas vidas, como não poderia deixar de ser, por um longo tempo e sem ele. Ela cresceu, estudou, tornou-se uma pessoa responsável e muito centrada. Evitávamos falar sobre o passado. Ela era apenas uma criança, mas lembrava do que havia entre nós e sentia falta do carinho dele, também.

- Estou sozinho, agora. Já não pertenço a nenhum lugar.

- Sei. E o que isso muda?

- Não muda… mas pensei muito… em tudo. Tive tempo de sobra para isso…

- E não pertences a ninguém?

- Nunca pertenci a ninguém. Tu sabes disso. E não houve mais ninguém na minha vida, depois de ti. Estava muito ocupado com o trabalho, mas sempre pensava em nós, em ti, em vocês dois.

Eu olhei para ele, meio sem acreditar. Um homem daqueles, sem ninguém e por aquele tempo todo? Impossível. Mas resolvi não discutir. Não era pertinente, ou melhor: já não era relevante.

- Por quanto tempo ficarás por cá?

Eu nem sabia se devia ter feito aquela pergunta. Tinha medo do que ele ia responder.

- Não sei.

Resposta perfeita, já que era o mesmo que resposta nenhuma. Como de costume, em ocasiões parecidas, ele respondia, sem responder.

- Sei. Afinal o que vieste fazer? Matar as saudades?

- Também, mas não só…

- Ah. Não só…

Desviei o olhar.

- Olha para mim.

Eu quis fugir, mas não consegui.

- O que tu queres, afinal?

- Uma outra hipótese. Sei que eu fiz uma grande burrada, indo embora, do jeito que fui, mas eu pensei muito e eu quero que dê certo… mais certo… desta vez. 

Minha vontade era bater nele, com força. Eu estava cansado, triste, com um pouco de raiva, pelo que havíamos passado e ainda não sabia o que pensar. Só sabia que não sabia de mais nada.

Ele levantou-se. Puxou-me pela mão, dizendo:

- Vem comigo!

- O quê? Para onde?

- Vem comigo!

- E a menina?

- Escreva um bilhete. Ela é grandinha e vai entender. Não devemos demorar, de todo jeito.

***

- Eu adoro este lugar!

- Eu também, mas não viemos cá, para ver o mar, ou viemos?

- Viemos, sim.

Eu olhei para ele, tentando perceber se falava sério, ou não. Era permaneceu impávido, a olhar para a frente. O mar estava agitado, como meu coração. Ele, mais alto que eu, posicionou-se por trás de mim e passou o braço pela minha cintura, puxando-me mais para perto dele. Pousou o queixo sobre meu ombro, com o rosto a roçar o meu. Eu fechei os olhos, apesar de ser fascinado pelo mar. Então ele sussurrou, ao meu ouvido.

- O que eu mais quero é estar contigo, aqui, ou em qualquer lugar. Estou cansado de lutar contra mim mesmo. Eu te quero muito… e não quero perder mais tempo.

- Eu devia te encher de porrada, sabias?

- Eu sei.

De onde estávamos, eu conseguia ouvir a velha canção, vindo da varanda do restaurante, que eu tanto frequentei, no passado.

…” They say that love can move a mountain
      They say love can break your heart 
      They say love can make you forget 
      Things that happened in the past

      For I've tasted your love and
      I need to taste some more 
      So wave goodbye to heaven for me
      I've thrown it all away 
      Just to spend one more night with you”…  (*)

      (*) One more night with you: Ged McMahon

***

One More Night (Part 3)

Κι αν ρωτήσεις πώς περνάω  … (And if you ask me how I am doing

θα σου πω δυο ψέματα                I will tell you two lies

ένα πως δε σ' αγαπάω                One that I do not love you

κι ένα πως σε ξέχασα (*)           And the other that I’ve forgotten you)…

(*) Dyo Psemata (δυο ψέματα): Antonis Remos

- Do you still remember?

- Of course I do. Some things just cannot be erased from our memories, can they?

- I guess not.

- And those words were so true.

- Against my will. I’m so sorry.

- What for?

He looked at me as if to say the most important and revealing thing in his life, but said nothing. That was the opportunity of a lifetime and if missed there would never be another one. He lowered his eyes.

I shook my head, frustrated. Feeling completely distressed I walked off to the seashore. I needed some “me-time” and to breath some fresh air freely and all by myself.

I felt too small facing the immense and menacing vastness of the ocean. The conflict in my mind was as scary as was everything around me. I was not sure if I was feeling anger or the urge to hug him and ended everything that separated us from each other, but that absence of positive attitude made me refrain from doing anything, so I decided I should not keep false expectations. Maybe that story had gone too far and ended after all, in spite of my poorly nourished hope.

I closed my eyes and inhaled the saline and iodate air of the ocean roaring in front of me. That filled my lungs and my spirit with such a good sensation, I could almost go back to my past and bring good memories to feed my aching soul.

I acknowledged that being alive was reason enough to be grateful regardless of all the things I had gone through. I had my gorgeous daughter and she was even more precious to me than my own life. I realized I had sowed quite a good amount of profitable seeds and I should be happy with what I had reaped. 

I took another deep breath and turned around. It was time to go back and take care of my own life…

***

The night was nice and fresh. The door to the balcony was open so to allow the breeze to blow through the house. I sat at the piano and started singing the same song that moved me so much. That time I was redeemed. That sorrow that filled my soul was an old comrade, but did not have the same effect on me anymore. I could look at it from a distance and move forward, although the scar would still be there to remind me of my past.

 She sat by my side and followed me on the harmony and vocals.

…” They say that love can move a mountain
      They say love can break your heart 
      They say love can make you forget 
      Things that happened in the past

      For I've tasted your love and
      I need to taste some more 
      So wave goodbye to heaven for me
      I've thrown it all away 
      Just to spend one more night with you”…  (*)

      (*) One more night with you: Ged McMahon

- This is quite a sad thing, isn’t it?

- It is indeed. But I don’t want to complain. It’s not fair.

- She lay her head on my shoulder, while I was touching the keyboard so lightly it felt like a respectful caress. I sensed the anguish coming up to my throat and I could not sing or talk anymore. Two tears rolled down my face while my body shuddered as if convulsing.

She embraced me and, with her head in my chest, wept with me in the centre of the living room which seemed as immense as the ocean outside. 

***

A gentle breeze was blowing from the sea, bringing that familiar air into my nostrils. It was early spring and I felt lazy in the comfort of the deck chair. I stretched my legs and closed my eyes. The afternoon sun was shining bright, warm enough to be enjoyed at its full. I felt like photosynthesising. My baby daughter was sleeping soundly in the pushchair at my side, duly sheltered from the sun and the wind.   

It seemed a dark cloud covered the sun for a moment. I opened my eyes and noticed I there was a silhouette of a man between me and the sun.

- I’m sorry.

- What?

- I didn’t want to disturb, but the baby woke up and was a little uneasy so I thought it would be a good idea to check if she was OK. It seemed to me that you’ve fallen asleep. Do you want me to bring you anything?

The baby was just looking at me with her big green eyes, but without any sound. I must have fallen asleep for a while and did not hear her waking up, which was not usual. Either I was very tired or too relaxed not to notice something like that.

- Ah… no, thanks. I’m alright.

I got up and looked for the baby water bottle in the backpack. The water was warm, for being exposed to the direct sun.

- Thinking better, I will need a bottle of fresh water, please. This is beyond the acceptable temperature.

- I’ll ask the waitress to bring one. Would you like a cup of coffee too?

- Good idea. I guess I’ll need one. Thanks.

I wondered the reason why he was so nice to me, beyond what was expected by a normal customer. It was pleasant, of course, but I was not used to that kind of things.

The waitress brought the water and two cups of coffee and laid them down on the table. I looked at her, astounded, but I soon realized why so. The manager came and sat with me, showing some assumed familiarity and said.

- I hope I’m not being too pushy if I sit here with you for a while.

- Of course not. Feel at ease.

- I really love this time of the day. It’s so calm and peaceful and I simply love this light and the colours. It feels like the world stops turning for a moment just so we can savour a strong and aromatic coffee.

I looked at him overwhelmed not only by the light poetry of what he said, but also by the way he expressed himself so freely, fluently and confidently.

He smiled.

- What? Did I say anything wrong?

- No. Not really. On the contrary. It was very well said.

- So?

- I was not expecting it from you… just that…

He pretended not to feel amused by having me surprised and sipped his coffee, very calmly and looking at the sea lazily stretching its arms out over the white and fine sand. I pretended to be checking the girl but noticed he laughed quietly.

- May I ask you a question?

He laughed.

- You can, but I might not answer.

Wise guy. He was using my speech.

- Why do you treat me like that?

- Like what?

- Being so kind and showing this gentle familiarity without being pushy or too intimate. I am just a customer. 

- Perhaps not. I’m a man used to living alone and I can make out a similar fellow when I see one. You’re always here alone with your baby girl but never among friends. Don’t you feel lonely?

- Not really. I guess I have always been like this, introverted and busy with my own things instead of being among lots of people.

- I understand. Don’t you miss being with someone?

I ran away from the question.

- Oh. I have someone and she is adorable.

He chuckled.

- Well, I do. Although I have always been a man of short-time affairs, I miss being with someone sometimes.

- Funny. We have never talked about this before.

- I know. It’s a proof of some trust isn’t it?

- I believe so. And would you tell me why have you only had short-term affairs?

- I think I take too long to have faith in people. I’ve been through some situations and lost confidence and trust in most…

The sentence was left unfinished leaving space for imagination and questioning.

- I think I’m also like that. We are so similar.

- I see. What a pair!

He raised the cup and said, smiling:

- A toast to the loners!

- A toast to the loners!

I had not noticed before that there was music playing from the loudspeakers on top of the porch. The song was an old one which was very familiar to me. I felt like singing the chorus.

Κι αν ρωτήσεις πώς περνάω   (Ki an ro̱tí̱seis pó̱s pernáo̱)  (And if you ask me how I am doing

θα σου πω δυο ψέματα            (ha sou po̱ dyo psémata)    I will tell you two lies

ένα πως δε σ' αγαπάω              (éna po̱s de s ' agapáo̱)      One that I do not love you

κι ένα πως σε ξέχασα (*)          (ki éna po̱s se xéchasa)      And the other that I’ve forgotten you)

(**) Dyo Psemata (δυο ψέματα): Antonis Remos

- Do you know this song?

- I surely do but I’d never expect to hear it right here. It’s an old Greek song…

- Do you know the meaning of the lyrics?

- As a matter of fact, I do. It’s such a sad song, in my opinion.

He looked at me, serious. Then he said something that caught me in surprise.

- It is, indeed. But I would never want a thing like that to happen to us.

***