Homeward (Part 1)

As I walked off the front door, I was so distracted I almost bumped into the man who was passing by. He looked at me for less than one second, as if he was either cursing me or intending to kill me, but said nothing. I did not say anything other than murmur an embarrassed “I’m sorry” and went back on my way away from there.

There was something familiar about that man. His pale face and the blond-almost-ginger beard called my attention for some reason. He was a tall young man, maybe around his mid-thirties, his blond hair getting thin on top of his head, nice average looking body, without being athletic, but very far from being overweight.

He was busy with his phone, so he did not pay me more attention than I deserved: a mere few milliseconds.

There was a bus stop right in front of the building and that was where he stood.

If I was not nearly on time for an important appointment, I would find an excuse to come back and look at him just once more and a little longer than I did. But I was almost late…

***

- I feel like crying.

- Why?

- I’m not sure…

- Then who could be?

He looked at me, as if I was saying the worst nonsense of all.  I tried to hold my tears but could not. My heart was, for some reason, so heavy. He said nothing else. He knew me too well.

- Take me home, please.

- “Home is where your heart is”…

- You always say that.

- I do… because I know you like it.

- I do. But today I just want to feel protected. Let me be quietly embraced by you.

He just hugged me. And I cried.

***

- Will you tell me what’s going on?

- I don’t know if I can.

He turned around to face me. How could I explain that what I was feeling was really unexplainable? Would he ever understand that I sometimes was haunted by my own past?

- Do you want to be left alone? For a while?

- No. Not really.

- Then, come with me.

- Where to?

- To the beach. I know how the sea makes you feel good. You need that now.

I smiled and followed the man, who did not even wait for my answer. He was so sure I would follow him, he just assumed that was the right thing to do… And so we drove to the beachside, almost completely away from most of the people, in order to recharge our batteries… or better saying: to try and recharge my batteries.

We walked some distance all along the beach, with our feet in the cool waters. The air was fresh and as the time passed, the temperature slowly went down. It was late in the afternoon.

We leaned on the pier rail for a while, in silence, just watching the sun go down, enjoying the scenery and absorbed by our own private thoughts. My mind wandered away in time.

I saw myself a long time before, sitting on the white beach sand and watching the waves coming up and down for a long while to finally die by the shoreline in an explosion of sound and foam. My mind was elsewhere.

***

Time passed by so quickly. There were some people still walking by and a few fishermen around, each busy with their own businesses and acting as if I was just part of the whole scenery, which I was, in fact… for them. I looked around and decided I should go home, before it got dark.

There were some seagulls still flying above, probably trying to catch some fish, either from the sea directly or from some careless fishermen. One of the big birds suddenly dove into the air, almost hitting my head while I walked past, playing with my feet in the fresh waters. I ducked as quickly as I could but I lost my balance. I closed my eyes while I was falling down, sure that I was going to get all wet. For some reason, the unexpected happened and I neither went down in the water nor did I get wet. I was held in the mid-air.

- What happened?

- I saw it was going to happen and came to your aid.

- Huh?

The man, a tall and handsome blond was holding me tight with both hands. I felt his strong legs between mine and his muscled arms around my body. I recovered my balance and he released his grip.

- I’m sorry.

- Oh, don’t be. I was seeing myself going home all soaking wet. Thank you.

He smiled. I looked into his eyes. They were so blue.

- Oh, sweet Lord!

- What?

- Nothing. I’m sorry.

- Are you OK now?

- I am, thanks. Sorry I disturbed your fishing.

- No problem. I was just having some moments to myself after a day in the office.

- Do you have the time?

- I do… some… maybe… what for?

I laughed.

- I meant: what time is it now?

- Almost eight in the evening.

- Oh. So late. I did not realize it was that late. I gotta go.

He held my hand. I was speechless. For some reason I felt a chill going up my spine.

- Don’t go… yet… Would you have a cup of coffee with me? One day? Today? Now?

- Erm... I... don’t… know…

- Well, then just say yes!

***

I felt his arms around my waist. He pulled me closer to him and kissed my face, in a very natural way. For some reason I thought he was remembering the same occasion I was. Our minds can be funny sometimes. I smiled and kissed his cheek.

***

We decided to have dinner together, at a fancy restaurant downtown. It was located almost at the top of the street, in an old house, remodelled and modernized to fit the needs of a clientele used to the vegan and vegetarian new fashion in food serving. The white and light-blue plaster vine decorations climbed up the walls to the ceiling of the back room. The wooden floor seemed to be still the original one. Double-leaf doors give view to a patio illuminated by carefully chosen old-fashioned lamp posts. A large colourful fuchsia bougainvillea grew on the right side of the orchard, close to a line of white painted heavy cast iron furniture, probably used on sunny days or early summer evenings. 

The special mushroom risotto was exquisitely prepared and served with flamboyant mastery. I detected a hint of balsamic in the rich and creamy dish. It tasted like nothing I had savoured before. A chilled fruity white wine was chosen to accompany the dish and we shared a delicate dessert called “Chocolate Decadence”, followed by black coffee.

We paid the bill and went down the steps of a staircase at the entrance and gained the street. The wind was blowing fresher and we thought the night was pleasant for a side by side walk. We were enjoying being with each other, without talking much. Life can be so simple and good at the same time.

I thought of cats living their simple lives with simple pleasures and desired not much more than that. But we are just humans living like humans the best way we can. What else for a nice plate, a warm bed and a cuddling?

We heard the thunder very close by. I quivered a little.

- Are you afraid?

- No. Not really.

- Good. Then we need to go faster. It seems we’ll have rain very soon.

Before we reached the parking lot, however, the rain fell heavy and cold over our warm bodies. When we got to the car, we were soaking wet and feeling very cold. I turned the heat on and got rid of the wet shirt and shoes.

Then we saw him, standing by the gate and backgrounded by the heavy rain falling down…

***

Home

They say “home

Is where your heart is”;

What I can truly say is:

You have a home in my chest,

In my mind

And in my soul;

A place you can,

Always,

Come back to,

When you feel homesick and tired,

Or need to be

Embraced

And kissed,

To feel safe…

And warm…

And, above all,

… Being cherished and esteemed…

(Dizem que "o lar
É onde está teu coração";
O que eu posso dizer, 
Verdadeiramente,
É que terás, sempre,
Um lar no meu peito,
Na minha mente
E na minha alma;
Um lugar, para onde 
Podes, sempre, 
Voltar,
Quando sentires saudades
De casa,
Ou cansaço,
Ou, até, necessidade de um abraço
E um beijo, 
De segurança
E calor,
Mas, acima de tudo, 
De amor e grande estima...).

Hypnos (Epilogue: Twins)

- I was not expecting this to happen.

- Don’t even mention it. This is too crazy!

- I could not say everything I saw and experienced… not in front of them. That seemed too absurd and obscure to understand or explain.

- But we must tell them. It’s not fair to keep this… secret… if we really can call that a secret… from them.

- I need to think it over. We must be careful. They are going to ask us why we did not say anything before… or maybe they’re going to call us “the two madmen”.       

- Ha ha! Time is running, anyway. We must be quick. If what you’ve seen was really…

The young man hesitated for a moment.

- The danger is getting closer and in high speed. And although I’ve never taken this subject seriously, I feel I need to research a little deeper, so I can find out some more details of this implausible story…

***

- Mythology? Do you think I’m stupid? Everyone knows that mythology have always been a way men invented to try and enlighten the things they don’t understand or can’t explain. I can’t accept such a nonsense. I am a scientist and so are you!

- We know it’s not easy. We could hardly believe that too, of course, but…

- Are you in drugs? Did you smoke anything?

The two young scientists laughed. They knew the woman was right. Who would ever believe such a thing? They had to recognize it was a complete nonsense…. Or not…

***

- What are we going to do?

- I don’t know. What are we supposed to do, after all? We don’t even know if that has any real fundament or if it was just a normal delirium in our dreams. This story is so absurd.

- What if we are wrong?

- It’s possible, of course. It’s really possible…

The young man looked at his friend with an expression that exposed his frustration and doubt, associated to the apprehension that what they most feared was actually happening.

- And what if we are NOT wrong?

- Then we need a plan. We both know that no one will support, follow our fears or protect us. Neither will they believe us or protect her…

***

- Mythology! What a pair! These two are definitely crazy!

She giggled, as if the idea was so absurd no one would ever believe or even consider it, but something inside her mind kept on telling her she was wrong.

She felt sleepy. It was long past her bedtime. She had tried to eat her dinner, but it was left almost untouched. She had felt no pleasure in eating that night.  She had cleaned the dishes and put them back in the cabinets, leaving the kitchen as organized as possible, as she used to do every night.

She then turned off the computer, as well as all the lights in the apartment, and went to the bathroom.

When she looked at herself in the mirror, she noticed how tired she was. Her eyes were red and sagged. She had cried, but it was not out of sadness.

There was some kind of a strange nostalgia filling her soul.

“So much to do and so little time”… 

She suddenly felt exhausted. She walked into her bedroom and opened the bedside table drawer. There were many medicine boxes in there. Some were almost empty, others practically untouched.

She closed the drawer without touching any of those tablets, as she had been doing for the last week, after that odd conversation with the two young scientists. 

She put her favourite cotton pyjamas on and went to bed.

The two-room apartment suddenly felt like an immense desert. She turned the bedside lights off and closed her eyes…

***

The extremely attractive young man walked closer to where she was. She knew him from other occasions. He held out his hand, in an inviting and gentle gesture, which the woman easily accepted, as if they were long-time close friends.

For the first time ever she had the courage to talk to him. He had always seemed so distant, powerful and untouchable.

- Will you tell me who you are, after all?

- You know who I am. My name is Hypnos, the guardian of dreams.

- I don’t believe in gods, nor do I worship any live being.

- I would not expect you to, although I am not to be considered a live being.

She almost laughed. She waited. He simply looked into her dark eyes.

- Where are you taking me to?

- Why do you ask what you already know? He is already waiting for us.

- I want to go to the beach… to see the ocean.

- It’s where he is now.

She shivered. There was that strange apprehension unsettling her chest.

- Don’t worry. He is gentle and peaceful. Be calm. There is nothing to worry about… anymore…

He was sitting on the rail, out in the sun. As attractive as his twin brother, he looked more comfortable when she walked closer to him. He smiled. She did not.

- Meet my twin brother Thanatos. He is the one who will take you ahead from this point on. Don’t worry. You won’t suffer, but there’s no way back anymore. He will lead you peacefully and quietly in this journey.

The young man held out his hand.

- Are you ready?

- I’m not.

- Yes, you are. Come on. Walk with me.

And they wandered silently and side by side along the immense beach way.

***

- He must have heard the conversation between the twin brothers, Hypnos, the dreams and Thanatos, the peaceful death and thought they were talking about him… so he lost his mind and despaired completely…

- Do you really think that was what happened?

- I don’t really know and I think we will never know… for sure… will we?

***

Hypnos (Epílogo: Os Gêmeos)

- Não esperava por isto.

- Nem fales nada. Isto é de loucos!

- Não consegui dizer tudo que vi, na frente deles. Pareceu-me absurdo e obscuro demais.

- Mas temos que lhes dizer. Não é justo guardarmos este… segredo, por assim dizer… se é que podemos chamar assim.

- Deixa-me pensar. Temos que ter cuidado. Vão-nos questionar por que não dissemos nada… ou vão-nos chamar de loucos.

- O tempo está correndo. Temos que ser rápidos. Se o que viste, for…

O rapaz hesitou, por um momento.

- O perigo se aproxima rapidamente. Mesmo assim, vou ter que fazer uma pesquisa mais aprofundada, para ver se descubro mais algum detalhe. Nunca levei o assunto muito a sério.

***

- Mitologia? Vocês pensam que eu sou estúpida? Todos sabem que os mitos sempre foram invenção dos homens, para explicar o que não compreendem. Não posso aceitar uma asneira destas. Eu sou uma cientista. Vocês também!

- Sabemos que é difícil. Nós também custamos a acreditar, mas…

- Vocês fumaram alguma coisa? Estão sob o efeito de drogas?

Os dois riram, meio sem jeito. Sabiam que a mulher tinha razão. Quem poderia acreditar numa conversa daquelas?

***

- O que vamos fazer?

- Não sei. O que nós poderemos fazer, afinal? A história toda é muito absurda e nem sabemos se não foi um delírio, somente.

- E se estivermos errados?

- É possível que estejamos… É bem possível que estejamos…

O rapaz olhou o amigo com uma expressão, que revelava sua frustração e uma dúvida, aliada ao medo de que o que mais temiam fosse, na verdade, acontecer.

- E se não estivermos?

- Então temos que ter um plano. Nós sabemos que ninguém vai-nos apoiar, seguir ou proteger. Nem a nós, nem a ela…

***

- Mitologia… quem diria… dois malucos!

Ela sorriu, como se achasse a ideia realmente absurda, mas algo em sua mente dizia, firmemente, que não era.

Ela sentiu-se sonolenta. Passava de sua hora de deitar. Como de costume, havia arranjado a louça do jantar, que mal havia tocado, desligara o computador e apagara todas as luzes do apartamento. Na casa de banho, olhara-se no espelho, por um período mais longo que fazia, normalmente.

Seus olhos pareciam cansados e avermelhados. Ela havia chorado, mas não de tristeza. Havia uma certa nostalgia em sua alma. Tanta coisa a fazer e tão pouco tempo…

A mulher entrou no quarto e abriu a gaveta da cômoda. Sentia-se cansada. Algumas das muitas caixas de medicamentos estavam praticamente vazias. Outras estavam intocadas. Ela fechou a gaveta, sem tocar em nenhum daqueles comprimidos, como vinha fazendo na última semana, depois que havia tido a conversa com os dois jovens cientistas.

Vestiu o pijama de uma malha fina de algodão e deitou-se, calmamente.

O apartamento de dois quartos pareceu-lhe, de repente, um imenso deserto. Apagou a luz da cômoda e fechou os olhos…

***

O rapaz, extremamente atraente, aproximou-se. Ela já o conhecia, de outras ocasiões. Ele estendeu-lhe a mão, num gesto convidativo e gentil, que a mulher aceitou, como se fossem amigos, de longa data.

Pela primeira vez, porém, dirigiu-lhe a palavra, pois nunca se sentiu encorajada para tal. Ele sempre lhe pareceu distante, intocável, de imenso poder.

- Vais-me dizer quem és, afinal?

- Tu sabes quem eu sou. Meu nome é Hypnos, o guardião dos sonhos.

- Eu não acredito em deuses, nem me curvo em idolatrias, por nenhum ser vivo.

- Não esperava que o fizesses, apesar de não ser considerado um ser vivo.

Ela quase riu. Esperou. Ele simplesmente olhou, profundamente, em seus olhos escuros.

- Para onde vais-me levar?

- Por que perguntas o que já sabes? Ele está à nossa espera.

- Quero ir à praia… ver o mar.

- É lá que ele está…

Ela tremeu. Havia uma apreensão natural, em seu peito.

- Não te preocupes, ele é gentil e pacífico. Tenha calma. Não há o que temer…

Ele estava sentado no murete, ao sol. Tão atraente quanto seu irmão gémeo, o rapaz parecia mais à vontade, quando ela se aproximou. Ele sorriu. Ela, não.

- Este é meu irmão gémeo, Thanatos. Ele te conduzirá, daqui por diante. É a ele que caberá levar-te adiante, nesta viagem. Já não haverá sofrimento, mas não há volta. A passagem será tranquila e pacífica.

O rapaz estendeu-lhe a mão.

- Estás pronta?

- Não.

- Estás, sim. Vamos.

E eles seguiram pela imensa praia deserta, lado a lado e em silêncio…

***

- Ele ouviu a conversa entre os gêmeos Hypnos, o sonho... e Thanatos, a morte pacífica... e achou que se tratava dele… e se apavorou.

- Será? Achas que foi isto mesmo que aconteceu?

- Não tenho certeza, obviamente, e acho que nunca saberemos…

***

Hypnos (Part 2: Surprise)

- Let’s try to be practical. How many of us were in the observation room, when that happened?

- All of us. You know that.

- Four, then.

- Why? What difference would that make?

- It makes all the difference… because what he saw must be related to one of the four of us.

- What do you mean? One of the four of us?

- Exactly. One of us is responsible for a suicide. Or maybe one of the two, if we consider the two of us out of the suspects list… in principle.

- For heaven’s sake, explain it better.

He opened his mouth but something on his mind made him think twice before speaking. He looked into the shaded room where the experiment had occurred. There wires and the sticker terminals were still hanging from the bed in the capsule. He frowned.

- What if…

- What now?

- Neither of us had the headphones, during the experiment, right?

- Right.

- Maybe the connection is there… It must be there…

- This is not helping much.

- That cannot be just a coincidence. There must be a link between what he saw in his dream and that connection must involve the two people who were wearing the headphones. What I saw was in your head and you were wearing them as well.

- It cannot be that simple. This is just a theory.

- It’s the only thing we have now. We need to try and follow a line of thought…

- Yes… No… We must stick to the facts only.

The young scientist stared into his friend’s eyes. He took a deep breath and looked down to the two scars in his colleague’s wrists.

- That was so horrible. I felt the despair and the anguish, before and when the blade tore your flesh apart, as if they were being made on me…

The other man looked down. He could not face his friend’s stare. He felt a deep sorrow. The past should have been buried very deeply in his mind. Those painful memories had not been recalled in years.

***

Childhood friends, school mates, apart for many years and then reunited by a coincidence when they found themselves in the same job, the two young scientists were now more connected to each other than ever. The Universe conspired and put them together again after a tragedy. And now…

- We must repeat the experiment, without raising any suspicion.

- How? The lab is locked for investigation.

- That will not go for long. The witnesses will never be confronted. Everybody saw what happened. Nobody touched that man. Justice and the University Rectory can forbid new experiments to be made with external volunteers. But that will not be the same with the researching staff… if we keep it secret, of course. But we still need to convince the other two to continue with the testing and investigation.

And he smiled in a funny way. That smirk was a sign that there was a plan being built in his head.

- I’m going to prepare the argument for the idea. Help me out here, will you?

Although not completely sure if that would be a good idea or not, going ahead with the plan was the only option they had. The young scientists accepted it like a challenge. His investigative vein was pulsing with anticipation.

***

The corridors were silent. The only audible sound was the soft hitting of the rubber soled shoes on the immaculate waxed floor. The Investigation lab was still locked and sealed by order of the Rectory. The examinations of the incident, as expected, were unconvincing, basically by the lack of evidence. Everyone could see clearly that the volunteer, in delirious state of mind, broke the security protocol and dove from the balcony to his own death. The security camera records were distinctly clear and irrefutable.

Although they could not blame anyone for the incident, the method was being questioned and represented an imminent danger to those whom would be submitted to the experiment or treatment.

Persuaded by good argumentation, the scientists had decided to disregard the orders and repeat the procedure, in the name of science. They had to investigate further and unveil the mystery left unsolved.

Following their original plan, the two young friends arrived earlier at the premises and prepared the room for carrying out the tests.  If they could find out the reason why that student had decided to put an end to his own life instead of facing something that a vision of a dream triggered, they would know what to do next.

- Let’s get everything ready before someone shows up and spoils the fun. We’ve got lots to do before they get up here.

***

- That should be me!

- This was supposed to be a democratic selection. The majority of votes should decide.

- My vote, then, is for him to play the guinea pig in this experiment.

- It’s really indifferent to me...

The woman looked at the three scientists and let her arms down. She had been defeated.

The two young scientists looked at each other without saying a word. The two walked into the room where the apparatus was ready to be used and started preparing for the procedure by sticking the terminals around the head and along the chest of the volunteer, who lay down in the bed that was in the chamber. Cameras and other high resolution apparatus were all around. He did not smile. He was apprehensive but at the same time, curious about it all. His friend spoke very little while preparing him for the experiment. They had had enough chat some minutes before the others arrived.

- Are you ok?

- I’m not sure, but I will not think about it now. Let’s get on with this.

The young man nodded and fastened the leather belts to his friend’s wrists and ankles.  He checked the whole set of equipment and put a hand on the young man’s shoulder. The volunteer was already falling into a state of lethargy. His eyelids were heavy under the effect of the sedative. 

In the attached observing room, the more experienced scientist sat down and put the headphones around his head. The woman sat at his side and did the same. The young scientist entered the same room and took a deep breath. He needed to observe carefully everything that would happen and he knew that the procedure could be interrupted at any time, if needed. The possibility of it happening was enormous. He had passed through that same experience before and knew there were quite a few reasons to be worried.

The lights in the experiment room were dimmed. The cameras were switched on. The face of the volunteer patient appeared on the screen in good detail. The camera focused on his young face and he seemed calm and relaxed. His breathing was dense, deep and slow.

In just a few minutes the first rapid eye movements began. He was dreaming.

***

- That was really scary. Fortunately, I was prepared and could resist a little longer. Thus, I could see more…

- And what did you see?

- Two men on the beach. One was waiting for the other to meet him and when they did, I realised what was happening. They are twin brothers… and…

- What? I don’t understand anything. Twin brothers?

- We have got everything the wrong way. It was never that young man or the two of us who were in danger.

- What do you mean? Never?

- In fact, it has never been anyone of us.

***