Contradictions (Part 2 of 2)

- You what?

- I let him kiss me… and I kissed him back.

- Are you out of your mind? Why? You said you hated him…

- And I did. I still hate him and I hate myself even more for letting him do that to me. I was weak…

- Weak? And what about us? 

I looked at his handsome face, showing the expression of a sad disbelief and I felt so bad and guilty. He did not deserve it at all, especially from me. 

What a fool I was! I was not only weak, I was also completely out of my mind, not thinking about the extent of what I had done. And then it was too late to go back. I knew that man and I also knew that his trust was very hard to keep after my inconsistent behaviour. 

- I’m so sorry. I really am. 

I could see the disenchantment covering his face like a heavy and dark cloud and I could not help but feel severely responsible for that. He was devastated and I was confused and disappointed at myself. 

He was wordless, so he just turned around and left. 

I wondered if I could ever mend that situation and even if I could I knew he would never trust me blindly again. 

If I could ever turn back time…

***

A small pot with a bunch of Myosotis was delivered by the florist at my door. I did not need any card to find out who the sender was, but looked for one in the middle of the delicate blue petals anyway. A simple message, not signed, was written in a small card. I felt a pinch in my stomach. 

‘I can’t forget you… Forget-me-not’…

I knew those flowers’ popular name, so the message was clear both ways. I wondered why he was doing that and what he still wanted from me.

I was living alone for some weeks after the incident and I was trying not to stress my mind out, assuming my mistakes and knowing some acts are unforgivable, especially in terms of relationships. I gave time to my lover to think about us and to myself to get used to being alone again. On the other hand, I was avoiding the man who was sending me direct messages, trying to get back to my life and heart.

How complicated life can be with all those things happening, like storms, one after the other? Was that a fair thing or was it only a way life found to make me stronger and harder and hopefully not heartless?

I took the flower pot and put it outside in the balcony, so I would not look at it most of the times. The flowers were not responsible for anything and as living beings deserved to survive. I would water them once a day before deciding what to do next.

When I got back inside, the telephone was ringing. 

- Did you get the flowers? They mean a lot, you know. I hope you have not forgotten…

- Forgotten?

- You are trying to fool me. I know you very well. You would never forget things like those…

- Do you really?

He laughed. He knew me so very well. I still remembered, of course. No one could ever believe how my memories were still so vivid and yet I wished they were not.

***

‘I am very close now. About three minutes or so away. What is the room number again?’

I sent him a text message back with the information and waited. Five minutes later I opened the door of room 308 and let the handsome ginger head man in. 

We were in each other’s arms within seconds after he walked in and I could feel how excited he’s got as soon as we kissed. He was passionate, intense and manly, in spite of the delicate and soft touch of his fingertips on my skin. His hands found their way all over my body, as soon as my clothes turned out to be just like pieces of the furniture, scattered all around in the small bedroom. 

We spent the whole day and night together, savouring every moment of that weekend encounter. After leaving the hotel the morning after, on the way to the train station, he said he loved that bunch of tiny flowers on the flower shop window. The blue petals called his attention and the popular name was a direct message to me. The tiny Myosotis were popularly known as ‘forget-me-nots’.

He then bought me a small pot of those delicate flowers, so I could keep it and remember our brief, but intense moments. I gave him my scarf as a reminder, when we kissed goodbye. We would see each other at least once or twice a month, for we lived in different cities, some hundred miles apart.

We had a few other great and passionate weekends together. In the meantime we used to talk over the phone every other day. 

For some strange reason, after some months, however, those contacts started to cool down and dwindle and then he went silent for a time. I thought he was getting bored of that situation and decided to stop seeing me. Things like those happen all the time and I was not really surprised, although a bit disappointed. The distance between us was an impediment to deepen our affair. I still tried to keep the flames burning alive, leaving loving private messages to him, but he did not bother to respond them for a long while. 

I considered there was a motive for the lack of contact and I tried to understand the reasons behind the actions. Maybe he did not want to worry me. Maybe he was tired and did not want to be upset by explanations. Maybe… maybe… maybe…

There were so many maybes to consider and none of them seem to be strong enough to substantiate the silence and the lack of contact. 

One Saturday morning when I was getting back home from the supermarket, I got a call. His voice sounded strange and different. I thought to myself there was something wrong, but waited until he talked his heart. 

He said he tried but could not contact me as much as he would like to, for there was someone else in his life. He needed a very special favour from me. He wanted me to send a short e-mail message, stating there had never been anything else than just a mild friendship between us. He needed that to show his woman that we were just acquaintances, for she had found one of my messages on his phone messenger and got furious at him. 

That hit me like a dagger being stabbed on my back. I felt betrayed, abandoned and lonely all of a sudden.

I still tried to sound cool and unaffected, but I was so sad, upset and offended that I decided I had to stop that situation for good and forget him for the sake of my sanity. He did not deserve my tears or my worries. 

He would get his message, as he needed and then I could go back to my dull life, while he would go back to his life and his woman as well.

He never sent me another word since then, so I called it quits. 

A couple of years have passed from the day we had that last contact and I was comfortably living on my own and used to my secluded and simple life. 

One Sunday morning, I was having brunch at the Café downtown and I saw a tall blond man coming in. His flaxen hair was shining under the light in the room and his bright blue eyes crossed mine when he sat at the table right opposite to mine. 

From that special Sunday on, my heart healed slowly from the previous wound and I felt I was lucky to have my blond lover brightening my life up. He moved in weeks after we started dating and I never regretted that decision. He was a good man and treated me with kindness and respect, in addition to being a generous and sensible lover. 

When the doorbell rang, one late morning, while we were having our Sunday brunch together, I could not anticipate who it could be. It was hard to believe I was again standing in front of the man who hurt me so much in my past. He was on the door threshold, acting as if nothing had ever happened that would have set us apart…

***

- It is another of my contradictions trying to make sense… maybe they don’t really do…

- Well, they really do make perfect sense to me. Believe me. Your coming and going into my life is not good for me at all and I don’t think is good for you either…

- I understand what you say, but we could try once more. We can make this thing work this time.

- I tried to convince myself that I should be patient and understanding. I tried to convince myself we were made for each other. Now I know I was wrong… and this is not any of my contradictions. I was unfair to the man who was kind and always faithful to me and I deeply regret it. You’re not him and you will never be… you’re, in fact, mean and spoilt and do not deserve either my tears or my love and affection.

And that was the last time I had any contact with that ginger man.

***

I had to try and make some amends, otherwise I would feel guilty for the rest of my life, so I got in contact with my good friend and asked him to come and have a coffee with me at a certain Café downtown. By the tone of his voice, I could feel he was still uncertain and upset, but I insisted and finally gave up and accepted.

I was sitting at the same table when we saw each other for the first time. When he came in, tall and handsome, I recalled the same sensation of the first time. Butterflies flew in my stomach but this time for a completely different reason. I was very anxious.

He walked toward me with firm steps and found his way when he saw me sitting there, but did not smile. I got even apprehensive than before.

- How have you been? 

- I’m OK. My work absorbs more of my time than I need, but I can cope with that.

- Right. Would you like some coffee? I definitely need one.

- Yes, sure. I’ll call the waiter.

No intimacy. No smiles. No hope. But I still had to make an extra effort. The waiter came and brought our coffees and we drank in silence. For two people who used to be lovers, that was quite awkward. I decided I had to break the silence for the sake of my future sanity.

- Let’s be fair to each other. We need to sort this out or else…

- Don’t. There is nothing else to sort out anymore. Time for fairness and patience has gone. Now it is too late… It’s really too late for us.

That time it was I who was wordless. He had been holding his deception and anger for such a long and painful time. It was the time and occasion to express what was still going on in his once so tender heart. I had to give the man his chance to speak up as freely as possible. And he did. I listened to him in the most difficult silence to bear. 

He was in his right to say what he had stuck in his mind for so long and I had to take it and swallow his words like a very bitter medicine. I just did not know if that would provide me any healing at all.

My feelings and emotions were broken, shattered and scattered all around the place. I felt like asphyxiating. I needed some air urgently. I ordered the bill, paid it and got up, walking straight to the door. He followed me in silence.

As we walked down to the beach, I was feeling so sad I could not see or think clearly. The day was heavy as were my heart and soul. Dark grey clouds were announcing bad weather for very soon.

We stood side by side, for a long while, watching the sea go back and forth, in that monotonous and constant movement. My mind was void. I could only feel an immense sorrow trying to swallow me like a giant black hole. 

He said nothing all the time, keeping his stare on the horizon or on a point beyond it. 

I turned around halfway to look at him, but he seemed as empty and far away as was his mind as well. 

I felt I needed to do something as my last chance and then I kissed the back of his shoulders, holding his both arms in my hands and trying to show him there was still so much affection and love in me, but he shivered a bit and then tensed up immediately. 

I felt it was so difficult to swallow my pride and not to cry. I stopped and closed my eyes. Then I just walked away, saying nothing. There was nothing else to say. There was nothing else for me with him any longer.

He never turned around to look at me, he never said anything nor did he try to hold me back. Those arms and chest where I once felt so safe and sheltered in his embrace were not there to hold me anymore. 

The man I loved once and so much could not trust me to any further extent and I knew there could never be any healthy relationship without trust. Our time together was gone and I sadly accepted it was all my fault. I had to learn how to live with that for the rest of my life.

I did not turn around as I walked back on my way to the car. It was time to face it and just walk away while there was still a thin trace of pride in me. I would have to face solitude as my only one companion again.

Behind my back I heard the drumming of thunders and the flashes of lightnings, so I knew what was coming next…

In seconds, the storm started and I was surrounded by the sudden shower of cold water pouring over my head and body. I felt no shame at all for crying, allowing the raindrops to mingle with my weeping. How cliché it was, crying in the rain, but I was not worried about how common or how idiot that could seem… It was raining inside me as well… and heavily… 

I did not feel like running. I just wanted the rain to wash my pain away for a while… and it did… for a second or two…

In my heart I knew we would never set eyes on each other ever again after that stormy day… and I was right…

Contradictions (Part 1 of 2)

- Are you awake?

- Mmm… no… not really, no…

He chuckled.

- That smile tells me you are…

I was awake, of course, but kept my eyes shut while enjoying the way he was touching my skin with that very light touch. I had woken up when he kissed my shoulders and neck so softly it was like the brush of feathers on my skin. Maybe he was afraid of waking me up… Maybe he was just enjoying himself… Maybe he was taking advantage of the situation… Maybe I was too…

I turned around a bit and faced him, smiling and welcoming his tender caresses. I held his hand in mine and kissed his precious fingers.

- Good morning, early bird.

- Good morning, sleepy head.

He propped his head up, looking at me with a sweet smile and genuine loving eyes. I thought to myself: ‘what a lovely way to wake up’.

He encircled my body with his arms and held me closer to his chest, with his legs entwined around mine. I laid my head on his soft golden fur and closed my eyes, listening to the rhythm of his heartbeat drumming softly in my ears. He kissed the top of my head and whispered.

- I love you…

I just moaned softly and nestled myself a bit more in his embrace, almost purring like a happy cat in a cosy and fluffy bed. I did not feel like opening my eyes again… Then I fell asleep.

When I woke up he was not around. I heard the sound of dishware and cutlery in the kitchen and I thought to myself he must have waited too long for me to wake up and decided to have something to eat on his own. The smell of coffee and something else was inviting.

I was afraid I was taking the kindness of that man for granted, so I got up and headed to where he was.

He was standing tall and handsome with a cup of strong coffee in his hand. Although we were not used to fancy breakfasting, he was busy with an omelette that smelled so good, my stomach immediately reacted to it. That would certainly suit for a lazy Saturday morning.

- Hey…

- Good morning again, sweet wheat field. What are you cooking?

He smiled at me. I used to call him ‘wheat field’ because of the colour of his hair and fur. He used to laugh at that, satisfied with the nick I gave him. He looked me in the eyes and lied without blushing.

- I’m cooking nothing special. Let’s sit and eat. I’m terribly hungry…

So was I. Still looking at him, I obeyed, while he poured the hot coffee in my cup and served me a portion of that perfect tomato, cheese and mushroom omelette. The taste was simply divine and reminded me of a point of time somewhere in my past.

***

It was late on a lazy Sunday morning and I was having a brunch on my own, at a Café downtown. I have always loved the smell of strong black coffee and that one was really good. I was starving, so I decided for the platter of the day, so I could have my meal delivered quicker. The taste of that Menu Special omelette was filling me in with a peculiar pleasure.

From where I was I could see the clientele crossing the front door and being directed to their tables by the serving staff. I was sitting by the window, watching people walking by and trying not to stare at anyone. 

A man, who was probably in his mid-forties, came across the door and looked around, trying to find an empty table. What called my attention was the colour of his amazing shiny blond hair and his walking posture. Taller than me, strong and handsome, that man was like a warrior coming victorious from a battle in the highlands. I felt like the place was emptied immediately and all the lights disappeared in front of my eyes, except for the one on top of his head.

As the waiter walked him in, I felt strangely interested. In my mind, I could hear a voice saying non-stop and naughtily:

‘Please sit close to me… please’…

And he did. For some reason, he chose a table very close to mine and sat right opposite to me. He checked the menu and ordered his meal very quickly.

That was a good sign. He seemed to be a man who knew very well what he wanted and he was quick to make decisions. I wondered if he would do that to all other things in his life.

While waiting, he naturally looked around, showing just a general little interest in the other customers sitting in the same room, chatting quietly and having their meals. Then he laid those lovely bright blue eyes on me.

Amazingly, the effect was absolutely unexpected. I blushed immediately and turned my attention back to my plate and cup, trying to look natural and at ease. My hands trembled however and the knife fell off to the ground with a loud noise. I am really clumsy when nervous, so I urged to pick the knife up and call the waiter to provide me with a clean one. He was already on his way, probably used to help with that kind of things many times a day. I struggled not to look at the table right in front of mine, but my eyes betrayed me.  He was looking at me again. Our eyes interlocked. My face and ears were burning like pieces of ignited coals. I tried to avoid his stare but could not.

Then he smiled and whispered a clear and distinctive ‘hi’, although no sound could be heard from where I was.

‘My goodness, what was that? This is amazingly scary. I was not expecting to feel butterflies in my stomach!’

I smiled back at him but I must have looked so awkwardly out of place that he giggled. I blushed again and felt like steaming from inside out.

I was conveniently saved by the waiter bringing the meal and placing it loudly in front of him. His attention suddenly moved to a cup of black coffee and the platter of the day: the special tomato, cheese and mushroom omelette.

I couldn’t help but laugh…

***

- Do you still remember?

- How could I ever forget? You mesmerized me…

He giggled. I simply loved the way he seemed to relax completely and look so juvenile when he laughed. He used to tease me with his lovely light blue eyes and that open grin, before anything else. I wondered how a man could be so sexy without being openly sexual or indecently mischievous. He was always so classy… so controlled… so helpful… so lovable… so nice and so kind… and yet so desirable… all in one adorable package.

My thoughts were interrupted by the irritant sound of the doorbell.

- Who could that be?

***

- What are you doing here?

- Will you invite me to come in or not?

- Yes. Sure. Sorry.

- And who would that be?

- A very good friend of mine.

He smiled and offered his handshake to my friend.

- I see. Nice meeting you.

- Likewise… but who are you?

- An old acquaintance…

It was clear to my friend that just an “old acquaintance” would not act that way, so he looked at me, to try and read me, before making any move.

It was like the knight waiting for the pawn to make his move, so he could think of a strategy to go on. But the rook was not that eager to fly low and he had intentions to make his point, so I made the first move.

***

The air was not heavy, but not totally comfortable either. Sitting by the waterfront, I let my mind wander years before when the weight of age was so lighter and more bearable. That face used to be so dear and that man so kind.

What had happened to us? Where had we lost the sense of respect and the kindness to each other? What was the past doing back in my present?

Taking him apart and away from my life was difficult the first time, but now it seems that some ghosts have come back to haunt me. I just wanted to bring my balance back.

For the moment, I just took him away from my partner and home, so I could sort that situation out, without unnecessary involvement from all sides.

He came back from the washroom and sat right in front of me. He still loved his cold beer, while I was used to the fresh green wine in the heat of the summer. He still looked good, although his ginger hair had thinned evidently. His somewhat round face was still handsome and lovely. His smile was almost the same. I recalled the day I was attracted by those little curves on his lips, when he opened his grin to me the first time. His eyes had lines drawn around them. I watched his face carefully, studying his movements and trying to figure out what he wanted from me... this time...

- I missed you, did you know that?

- No, I didn’t. What do you want from me now?

- Don’t be such a pain. We used to be so good together. We were friends.

- Exactly. We were friends… but then you left that friendship aside for a situation you did not even left a margin to fight for.

- How do you know I did not fight for?

- We could still have kept our friendship… Do you have any idea of how difficult it was to write those things so you would have your perfect life?

- You stated we had never been real friends…

- For the sake of your relationship. What else could I say? That we used to be friends but then we would not anymore? Please! Spare me!

He held my hand. I was so pissed off I was trembling. He waited until I stopped arguing and said in a very low voice:

- I really missed you. It was so difficult…

He stopped when he realised I was blank and my eyes were moist.

- I’m sorry.

- What do you want from me? You have taken everything away and now what? You come back as if nothing had happened and say you’re sorry. Am I supposed to forgive you?

- She was pregnant. It was our baby she was going to have. I would never be able to leave her. You know me.

- No. I don’t know you. I really have no idea who you really are.

- Fair enough.

He stopped for a while and then said, as if it was the most natural thing to say.

- We are not together anymore. We have broken up like civilized people, but cannot live as a couple anymore. The boy is with her.

- He looks so much like you.

- How do you know?

I stopped. That was not supposed to happen. I blushed. He noticed it.

- You’re so surprising. I did not mean to make you suffer, but try to understand…

I got so tired suddenly. I remembered how I tried so hard to understand, to accept and forget, but I could never do so. I have tried to suffocate all the things I felt, but it was so difficult. I said nothing else.

He held my hand in his and kissed my fingers. I tried to pull myself free from his grasp but he was strong and firm. He turned my hand around and kissed the palm of my hand with apparent tenderness.

My head was going dizzy…

Falling

- Please do not fall in love with me. You promised you wouldn't…

- I know. Don’t worry. I know very well where I'm treading on. I have been there before and I won’t fall in love again.

- OK. Remember you promised.

- Yeah. I will. You know that… When are you coming over again? It’s been quite a while since you last did.

- Maybe next week. Things are not easy from my side. Wife is demanding attention and she thinks I’m eating out, but I'm just overworked and feeling a lot tired.

- You need a massage, a hug and resting your head on my lap. I would cuddle you until you sleep in my arms, relaxed and happy.

- Sounds like paradise, but far from achievable in a short time. I must not slip right now or I will lose everything. We need to be patient.

I gave up. There was nothing I could do, anyway. I wished life was different. I wished I was different. I wished he was different. But life is not made of wishes…

- OK. Have your time, rest a little… or a lot… and when you’re ready again, please let me know.

- I will. Bye for now.

- Bye, sweet man. I’ll miss you.

- So will I. Sleep well.

- You too.

The conversation was quite shallow, simple and almost impersonal. Both sides were being too careful, trying to avoid the unavoidable. Both believed it was easy to keep their emotions under control. Married men are, oh, so complicated. 

I closed the session, switched the computer off and went back to normal life. We used to chat every day, at the same time, saying almost the same things and promising never to fall in love or we would have to stop seeing each other, for the sake of our sanities. He was a married man with wife and children. A couple of them. I was divorced and alone. Nothing new about that. 

Most of the people I knew were divorced and would like to remain in that condition, anyway, for as long as they could. Some of them, however, were scared to grow old alone. I had my life, my past, my beliefs about love, relationships and solitude. And I enjoyed my life and my freedom. 

Being with him was like having someone and having nothing and no one to be attached to. But I was not afraid of being alone when I was old... not at all...

I decided to prepare something to eat, rest a bit, maybe watch some TV and go to bed early. I tried not to think about the conversation any longer. Having my mind and hands busy for some time would be perfect for the time being. 

The cat got into the kitchen, sitting on the blue carpet and waiting for his dinner and I started cooking some pasta with mushroom sauce as soon as I fed him. My only companion was OK with his small portion of canned tuna for dinner and showed his satisfaction by rubbing his head on my legs, as soon as he finished. I spoke to him, pat his head and went back to my cooking, after washing my hands for the millionth time that evening.

I went to bed as planned after the simple meal of pasta and wine and tried to switch my thoughts off before falling asleep.

I dreamed I was in his arms. His lips were warm on my front, my eyelids, my face and my lips. His taste was sweet and bitter at the same time. He was always sweet, but that agreement we made brought a kind of bitterness to my soul that was not news for me whatsoever. He was repeating those words I could not hear anymore, for as long as I existed, but, alas, one can only wish. The truth was too hard to bear.

"Please don’t fall in love with me".

How careless and dim-witted could that agreement be? How unpredictable can a heart be before it is too late? 

I knew my heart very well. I could say all the words and make all the promises and still remain away from trouble, if I wanted to, but did I really want it? If I were not in love, how could I be entirely his, when we were together, in those close encounters? 

I loved his smell, his taste, his touch and his openness to my caresses. I loved the way he let himself pleasure my presence with his own; the way he said he was all mine and I had full access to everything that I wanted; the way he gave his body to me and the way he used my body for his own pleasure and for mine, as well, of course. I enjoyed the way he looked at me deep in the eyes and how he closed his eyes when being touched by my fingertips; the way he held my body close to his, entangling his legs in mine, so we had the impression we would never fall apart again; the way he kissed me with genuine passion and the way he loved me. 

Yes. The way he loved me. That was more than just physical contact, I could guarantee. I had other men before and no one had pleased me with such a passion. He was passionate, kind, attentive, gentle. But he was not mine. 

Or better saying, he was. For some minutes only, sometimes a couple of hours, he was entirely and openly mine, like no one had ever been before. 

I was proud of his achievements and his life. He told me once I was the only one who knew everything about his life and his secret desires. Most of them were so secret he almost hid them from himself, but they had been shared with me. 

What kind of men would ever do that, without having a blind trust in his lover that way?

- When you think of me, what do you think of?

He blushed. He was not good at talking about his thoughts or feelings, especially when referred to our not so called “relationship”. 

I laughed at him. How could he be so sweetly stubborn? 

By saying nothing and blushing like that, he was telling me everything without uttering a single word. He neither admitted the obvious, nor accepted the truth. What was going on between us was something to be seriously considered, but we would never speak it out loud. Deep inside, however, we knew it very well. 

What are words, anyway? Why would one person need to say what was going on in words, when the feelings were absolutely wordless? I could see it in his eyes. I could feel it in his body. I could sense it in his thoughts, just by looking at him and noticing the tender expression of his lovely face. His mouth could never pronounce the words, but I could hear them being shouted out loud by his sweet and dark eyes. 

I looked at him and thought to myself: you don’t need ever to admit, but I know you are, indeed, my man.

- And you? What do you think of, when you think of me?

- I think of angels and realize how strong and kind you are. I like you very much.

- You are falling in love. You promised you wouldn't. What are you going to do now?

- I'm not going to do anything. There is nothing I can do, but let my emotions run free. I like you very much and I don’t want to lose this. It is important… too important…

- I know, my dear. I know very well, but you promised…

I kissed his lips. He then responded tenderly, by opening his wide wingspan and holding me in a warm embrace.

- Let life guide us, please. Don’t fight it or else we will lose the best of it...

- I won’t, my beloved... I won’t.

I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling warm and happy, satisfied and protected by an angel who did not exist in fact. He was nothing but a sweet idea. He was my concept of perfection. Not flawless in body or physical attractiveness, although I liked looking at him all the time, but perfect like a real tender man to grow old with, except that he would never be mine, after all... Nor I would be his… other than that condition of being unattachedly attached to each other for those brief moments when the world could stop turning around and all the problems of our complicated lives would never come across the bedroom door.

I could not sleep again until the morning sun hit the bedroom window and made its way through the curtains, telling me it was time to get up and go back to normal life.

Days went on very slowly and in a very dull way when we were apart from each other. Some days afterwards, when the doorbell finally rang, I was all ready for him. 

When I opened the door and saw him standing in front of me with an irresistible smile, my heart missed a beat. I welcomed him with a grin and flushed cheeks. He said nothing until I closed the door behind his back and held him tightly in my arms and kissed his lips.

- I missed you.

- Missed you too, my dear…

It was our most remarkable night together. He was all mine and I was all his. I can’t recall where our clothes fell upon on our way to my bedroom. I can’t recall what happened from the door to my bed. I just remember we were so close and entangled to each other that we were almost one. 

I tasted him with hunger. I smelled his manly scent keen for much more. I never closed my eyes for I wanted to keep him in my sight and memory forever. I wanted to appreciate his beauty and perfection. I touched every little inch of his bare skin… carefully and softly, plainly, lustily, intensily… He responded to every touch of my fingertips and body on his. He never said a word. He just breathed deeply and moaned lightly.

He then kissed me. It was not just a kiss but a warm and intensely hungry kiss. He touched my lips and body with passion and desire. I felt I was so close to heaven I was being touched by an angel with very broad wings. Then we made love. That was not just lust or sex: it was so much closer to real love. He was mine and I was his... completely.

- I can’t help but thinking of you all the time. Do you think it is normal one person having his thoughts directed to another one, all the time, as I'm doing lately? I keep on pondering when and how I can be with you… this is certainly a sign of passion… to my understanding. I have no doubt about that whatsoever… and it scares the hell out of me…

- How come something so good and pleasurable scare you? Don't you value our time together?

- This is the thing. I do appreciate it so much, I think I am hopelessly falling for you and this is not right. I am going to hurt you and other people who I must not and this is not fair either to you or them. We must stop seeing each other... urgently!

- My friend, if this is what you think and you are rather leaving me because you're going to hurt me, don't... Now, if you're going to harm someone else by being with me or because you're falling for me, then just leave... now... before it is too late.

He did not say anything when he got up and started dressing up. He left without a word. 

I felt weird and left aside by the man who gave me his everything that night and took everything out of me just some minutes afterwards. I felt like I was all worn out and drowning in a sea of hopelessness. Being left for giving myself too openly and by being too much involved to someone who was falling for me was too much to bear... Was that unfair or what?

After that last meeting we grew apart from each other. Our contacts became almost gone, except for the 'good day' messages which became rarer and rarer, for he never responded to them. I knew he was avoiding me that way so he would be sure I could live away from him. He was wrong, but there was nothing I could do to convince him of the opposite. He was leaving me because he was concerned of getting more involved than we were. I had never been. He left me because he loved me... or so he said... and I was sure in my heart he was sincere...

Days passed on again and again, dully and sulky. One day, when strolling around in the shopping mall, I saw him. He was standing by a shop window, looking at a smart leather jacket. My first impulse was to run towards him and surprise him, hugging and kissing him in front of the crowd moving around us. 

I started walking to him but was held by some strange feeling, when a woman suddenly came closer and kissed him on the neck. A boy and a girl approached the couple and they left, walking down the aisles, hand in hand and smiling to each other. He seemed to be happy. 

I felt a sting of a strange pain, but thought to myself he deserved his life. If he was happy, I should be happy too. I turned around feeling heavy, but knowing he was not mine. He had never been anyway and I had to live with that... unfortunately...  

I felt  I needed a hot and very strong coffee urgently… Life would have to slowly go back to normal and I knew it. 

I was alone again, as usual, and although totally hurt inside, I was not surprised at all…