The Ginger Fox (Epilogue)

The rented house, in the outskirts of the city and close to the woods, not far from the ‘Ost Autobahn’, was especially chosen so we could have a nice week-long-staying in Vienna, with a different type of the luxury we would have at a hotel, but being intimate at the same time and free to have our privacy and our meals at any time, without any tight schedules. It was cheaper than a hotel anyway and it was a bargain I found on the internet.

- We really need to talk.

The conversation had been postponed due to the movement and noise of the crowd in and out of the Café at the station and our tourist visit agenda.

Now, that we were back home and had a light meal, he came back to the point where we had stopped some hours before.

He held both my hands in his. I looked into his green eyes. His pupils dilated as he returned the stare. I took it as a good sign.

- We cannot go on like this for much longer.

My heart missed a beat. ‘What is he talking about? I must have misread the signals. How did I…?’

I tried to understand.

- Like what?

- Like this… (He hesitated…) situation… relationship... whatever you would call it.

‘Oh, my sweet Lord. What is this now? Is he trying to say he is leaving me? Why?’

I felt a punch in my stomach.

- What are you trying to say? You’re scaring me.

- Don’t be scared. I’m trying to be as clear as possible.

- Well, you’re not succeeding and I’m more than just scared to death now. What is it?

- Calm down, please.

I took a deep breath. That was not supposed to be happening… He kept on holding my hands firmly, although I tried to escape from his grip a couple of times.

A strange sound on the outside interrupted that very awkward moment. I pulled my hands out of his and went off the back door, feeling relieved for a moment. My head was aching. I needed to breathe…

***

- It seems we are always being led to meet foxes in our ways, for some strange reason.

He was trying to catch up. I was not comfortable yet and small talk was not my thing at that moment.

- Yes. The poor animal was just trying to eat. Funny it was a ginger fox…

He missed that hint.

- Well, now it’s going to enjoy your gift, anyway. It was very sensible of you to give it a piece of meat…

- It was the least I could do…

I was not facing him. I wanted everything to be OK. I was afraid of what that serious conversation was going to be lead to and was not sure I wanted to hear what he was going to say. I had a demon on my back, whispering in my ear, telling me I was going to be seriously hurt.

‘For how long can one pretend not to listen to the obvious?’

- We really need to conclude this talk.

‘Oh, man… it is now!’

- I’ll try to be as clear and brief as possible.

- I hope you can.

- I thought a lot about us and our situation and I think we need to change it. We should not go on like this anymore…

- What’s wrong with this situation, anyway? We are happy.

- Yes, we are, but…

- There’s no but… if we are happy, why do we need to change it?

He gave up. He knew me and he knew I would not listen to his arguments, once I was in a very unsettled state of mind.

- OK, then. You’re not being reasonable. We talk later.

***

I smiled when he lit the match and then the little candle, having both hands around the tiny flame that progressed from diffident to stronger in a few seconds, painting his face with an amber tint. I was watching him closely. Then he blew the  flame out of the match and looked at me in awe.

- Now, what?

I sang the song.

“Anyone can light a candle

But not the way that you do

For if we look too close

Pure magic we would see

Pure magic we will be” (*The Candle Song – Jon Anderson & Vangelis)

He laughed at me.

- You’re funny. Sometimes you’re practical and sometimes so romantically silly. It’s just a candle. How can one light it another way? Now, let’s dine.

My time to give up. He was still smiling… that lovely grin of his. I was still worried.

- Ok. It’s just a candle, but I love the way you light it. It’s so unique, as if you were protecting it from extinguishing with such care. That makes my heart warm up.

- Yeah. Right. Will you pour me some wine now, please?

He was, in general, so adorably and sharply shy, especially when he pretended to be nothing but practical. I knew that was a defensive behaviour, only, so I let it go softly, took the bottle of dense red and poured him some, pretending I was saying, just casually:

- Of course.

He looked at me very serious and fired:

- You did not want to listen to my talk, but I need to tell you, anyway. I had a formal phone call not long ago and I was offered a very good opportunity, coincidentally here in Vienna and I am prone to accept it, so good it is to my life and career.

- Oh...

Caught in surprise, I was speechless. I kind of knew it was a very serious thing and I was right.

- But the reason I told you we cannot go on like this anymore is that I don’t want to be here without you. I know you can move as well, if you organize some things the right way.

- Yes, but it’s not that easy…

- I know, but I want you to consider marrying me. That can make things easier.

- What? What are you talking about?

- Don’t you want to?

- No. I mean, I don’t know. I never thought about it that way.

‘Oh, man… I was so awfully wrong’…

- Then don’t give me a definite answer now. Think about it…. For a while, at least.

***

- I’m so sleepy. I think that wine got me knocked out. I can hardly stay awake.

He giggled. Then he kissed me.

- It was a very good wine, my dear. Not like back home but very good anyway. Now you have some rest. Or maybe don’t… even… bother… to…

I did not open my eyes. He started unbuttoning my shirt and kissing my body… slowly and tenderly, finding his way all over my naked skin, front and back.

I surrendered to him… completely, feeling the heat coming up and down my body, my mind absolutely disconnected from everything else but his gentle caresses and his warm kisses.

He found the spot behind my ear and rubbed his ginger beard up and down, kissing it provocatively, covering my skin with uncontrolled goose bumps. Then he whispered in my ear.

- Think about the proposal I made, will you?

- The answer is yes…

- You’re drunk.

I giggled.

- I am.

***

Contradictions (Part 2 of 2)

- You what?

- I let him kiss me… and I kissed him back.

- Are you out of your mind? Why? You said you hated him…

- And I did. I still hate him and I hate myself even more for letting him do that to me. I was weak…

- Weak? And what about us? 

I looked at his handsome face, showing the expression of a sad disbelief and I felt so bad and guilty. He did not deserve it at all, especially from me. 

What a fool I was! I was not only weak, I was also completely out of my mind, not thinking about the extent of what I had done. And then it was too late to go back. I knew that man and I also knew that his trust was very hard to keep after my inconsistent behaviour. 

- I’m so sorry. I really am. 

I could see the disenchantment covering his face like a heavy and dark cloud and I could not help but feel severely responsible for that. He was devastated and I was confused and disappointed at myself. 

He was wordless, so he just turned around and left. 

I wondered if I could ever mend that situation and even if I could I knew he would never trust me blindly again. 

If I could ever turn back time…

***

A small pot with a bunch of Myosotis was delivered by the florist at my door. I did not need any card to find out who the sender was, but looked for one in the middle of the delicate blue petals anyway. A simple message, not signed, was written in a small card. I felt a pinch in my stomach. 

‘I can’t forget you… Forget-me-not’…

I knew those flowers’ popular name, so the message was clear both ways. I wondered why he was doing that and what he still wanted from me.

I was living alone for some weeks after the incident and I was trying not to stress my mind out, assuming my mistakes and knowing some acts are unforgivable, especially in terms of relationships. I gave time to my lover to think about us and to myself to get used to being alone again. On the other hand, I was avoiding the man who was sending me direct messages, trying to get back to my life and heart.

How complicated life can be with all those things happening, like storms, one after the other? Was that a fair thing or was it only a way life found to make me stronger and harder and hopefully not heartless?

I took the flower pot and put it outside in the balcony, so I would not look at it most of the times. The flowers were not responsible for anything and as living beings deserved to survive. I would water them once a day before deciding what to do next.

When I got back inside, the telephone was ringing. 

- Did you get the flowers? They mean a lot, you know. I hope you have not forgotten…

- Forgotten?

- You are trying to fool me. I know you very well. You would never forget things like those…

- Do you really?

He laughed. He knew me so very well. I still remembered, of course. No one could ever believe how my memories were still so vivid and yet I wished they were not.

***

‘I am very close now. About three minutes or so away. What is the room number again?’

I sent him a text message back with the information and waited. Five minutes later I opened the door of room 308 and let the handsome ginger head man in. 

We were in each other’s arms within seconds after he walked in and I could feel how excited he’s got as soon as we kissed. He was passionate, intense and manly, in spite of the delicate and soft touch of his fingertips on my skin. His hands found their way all over my body, as soon as my clothes turned out to be just like pieces of the furniture, scattered all around in the small bedroom. 

We spent the whole day and night together, savouring every moment of that weekend encounter. After leaving the hotel the morning after, on the way to the train station, he said he loved that bunch of tiny flowers on the flower shop window. The blue petals called his attention and the popular name was a direct message to me. The tiny Myosotis were popularly known as ‘forget-me-nots’.

He then bought me a small pot of those delicate flowers, so I could keep it and remember our brief, but intense moments. I gave him my scarf as a reminder, when we kissed goodbye. We would see each other at least once or twice a month, for we lived in different cities, some hundred miles apart.

We had a few other great and passionate weekends together. In the meantime we used to talk over the phone every other day. 

For some strange reason, after some months, however, those contacts started to cool down and dwindle and then he went silent for a time. I thought he was getting bored of that situation and decided to stop seeing me. Things like those happen all the time and I was not really surprised, although a bit disappointed. The distance between us was an impediment to deepen our affair. I still tried to keep the flames burning alive, leaving loving private messages to him, but he did not bother to respond them for a long while. 

I considered there was a motive for the lack of contact and I tried to understand the reasons behind the actions. Maybe he did not want to worry me. Maybe he was tired and did not want to be upset by explanations. Maybe… maybe… maybe…

There were so many maybes to consider and none of them seem to be strong enough to substantiate the silence and the lack of contact. 

One Saturday morning when I was getting back home from the supermarket, I got a call. His voice sounded strange and different. I thought to myself there was something wrong, but waited until he talked his heart. 

He said he tried but could not contact me as much as he would like to, for there was someone else in his life. He needed a very special favour from me. He wanted me to send a short e-mail message, stating there had never been anything else than just a mild friendship between us. He needed that to show his woman that we were just acquaintances, for she had found one of my messages on his phone messenger and got furious at him. 

That hit me like a dagger being stabbed on my back. I felt betrayed, abandoned and lonely all of a sudden.

I still tried to sound cool and unaffected, but I was so sad, upset and offended that I decided I had to stop that situation for good and forget him for the sake of my sanity. He did not deserve my tears or my worries. 

He would get his message, as he needed and then I could go back to my dull life, while he would go back to his life and his woman as well.

He never sent me another word since then, so I called it quits. 

A couple of years have passed from the day we had that last contact and I was comfortably living on my own and used to my secluded and simple life. 

One Sunday morning, I was having brunch at the Café downtown and I saw a tall blond man coming in. His flaxen hair was shining under the light in the room and his bright blue eyes crossed mine when he sat at the table right opposite to mine. 

From that special Sunday on, my heart healed slowly from the previous wound and I felt I was lucky to have my blond lover brightening my life up. He moved in weeks after we started dating and I never regretted that decision. He was a good man and treated me with kindness and respect, in addition to being a generous and sensible lover. 

When the doorbell rang, one late morning, while we were having our Sunday brunch together, I could not anticipate who it could be. It was hard to believe I was again standing in front of the man who hurt me so much in my past. He was on the door threshold, acting as if nothing had ever happened that would have set us apart…

***

- It is another of my contradictions trying to make sense… maybe they don’t really do…

- Well, they really do make perfect sense to me. Believe me. Your coming and going into my life is not good for me at all and I don’t think is good for you either…

- I understand what you say, but we could try once more. We can make this thing work this time.

- I tried to convince myself that I should be patient and understanding. I tried to convince myself we were made for each other. Now I know I was wrong… and this is not any of my contradictions. I was unfair to the man who was kind and always faithful to me and I deeply regret it. You’re not him and you will never be… you’re, in fact, mean and spoilt and do not deserve either my tears or my love and affection.

And that was the last time I had any contact with that ginger man.

***

I had to try and make some amends, otherwise I would feel guilty for the rest of my life, so I got in contact with my good friend and asked him to come and have a coffee with me at a certain Café downtown. By the tone of his voice, I could feel he was still uncertain and upset, but I insisted and finally gave up and accepted.

I was sitting at the same table when we saw each other for the first time. When he came in, tall and handsome, I recalled the same sensation of the first time. Butterflies flew in my stomach but this time for a completely different reason. I was very anxious.

He walked toward me with firm steps and found his way when he saw me sitting there, but did not smile. I got even apprehensive than before.

- How have you been? 

- I’m OK. My work absorbs more of my time than I need, but I can cope with that.

- Right. Would you like some coffee? I definitely need one.

- Yes, sure. I’ll call the waiter.

No intimacy. No smiles. No hope. But I still had to make an extra effort. The waiter came and brought our coffees and we drank in silence. For two people who used to be lovers, that was quite awkward. I decided I had to break the silence for the sake of my future sanity.

- Let’s be fair to each other. We need to sort this out or else…

- Don’t. There is nothing else to sort out anymore. Time for fairness and patience has gone. Now it is too late… It’s really too late for us.

That time it was I who was wordless. He had been holding his deception and anger for such a long and painful time. It was the time and occasion to express what was still going on in his once so tender heart. I had to give the man his chance to speak up as freely as possible. And he did. I listened to him in the most difficult silence to bear. 

He was in his right to say what he had stuck in his mind for so long and I had to take it and swallow his words like a very bitter medicine. I just did not know if that would provide me any healing at all.

My feelings and emotions were broken, shattered and scattered all around the place. I felt like asphyxiating. I needed some air urgently. I ordered the bill, paid it and got up, walking straight to the door. He followed me in silence.

As we walked down to the beach, I was feeling so sad I could not see or think clearly. The day was heavy as were my heart and soul. Dark grey clouds were announcing bad weather for very soon.

We stood side by side, for a long while, watching the sea go back and forth, in that monotonous and constant movement. My mind was void. I could only feel an immense sorrow trying to swallow me like a giant black hole. 

He said nothing all the time, keeping his stare on the horizon or on a point beyond it. 

I turned around halfway to look at him, but he seemed as empty and far away as was his mind as well. 

I felt I needed to do something as my last chance and then I kissed the back of his shoulders, holding his both arms in my hands and trying to show him there was still so much affection and love in me, but he shivered a bit and then tensed up immediately. 

I felt it was so difficult to swallow my pride and not to cry. I stopped and closed my eyes. Then I just walked away, saying nothing. There was nothing else to say. There was nothing else for me with him any longer.

He never turned around to look at me, he never said anything nor did he try to hold me back. Those arms and chest where I once felt so safe and sheltered in his embrace were not there to hold me anymore. 

The man I loved once and so much could not trust me to any further extent and I knew there could never be any healthy relationship without trust. Our time together was gone and I sadly accepted it was all my fault. I had to learn how to live with that for the rest of my life.

I did not turn around as I walked back on my way to the car. It was time to face it and just walk away while there was still a thin trace of pride in me. I would have to face solitude as my only one companion again.

Behind my back I heard the drumming of thunders and the flashes of lightnings, so I knew what was coming next…

In seconds, the storm started and I was surrounded by the sudden shower of cold water pouring over my head and body. I felt no shame at all for crying, allowing the raindrops to mingle with my weeping. How cliché it was, crying in the rain, but I was not worried about how common or how idiot that could seem… It was raining inside me as well… and heavily… 

I did not feel like running. I just wanted the rain to wash my pain away for a while… and it did… for a second or two…

In my heart I knew we would never set eyes on each other ever again after that stormy day… and I was right…

Dragons

“The red dragon came from the south, where the sun warms up the afternoons and the still crimson and scarlet leaves struggle to remain attached to the trees branches; where nature still shackles autumn, as if trying to keep the grey winter away, as if it could ever be possible.” *

“The brown dragon came from the west, where the sea wipes out the traces of quiet men and noise seagulls and conveys anonymous messages in glass bottles to shatter them, without reaching their destinations, against the rocks and the reefs, as if to keep the castaways of life, friends and lovers, forever apart.” *

The airport hall was filled with passers-by, pushing the most different wheeled luggage and carts. I crossed the sliding door slowly, but with my eyes searching carefully for a known face. He was standing tall right behind the line of people waiting for their friends, clients, relatives or colleagues… I smiled and walked firmly to his direction. He smiled back.

I thought to myself: ‘how handsome’…

When I reached him, he simply shook my hand, looking at my face and blushing slightly. I moved forward and hugged him like long-time-no-see friends do and whispered in his ear.

- ‘Have I told you lately that I love you?’ **

- No, you haven’t… not that I can remember now…

At that moment, all my troubles, the insecurities and all the fears I had in my head, during the trip to meet that man disappeared completely. They simply vanished in the air with the sweetness of the first contact.

-  Let’s leave… quick!

***

- You know I have never…

- Shhh… Don’t say anything. Just close your eyes for now.

He obeyed. His muscles were tense under his pale skin. I knew he was ready, but not really comfortable, so I kissed, very lightly, his head, his front and his eyes. 

He smiled. 

I kissed his face and rubbed my lips on his. He waited. I looked at his handsome features and kissed his lips with tender and soft care, almost not touching them, but letting him feel I was there. He took a deep breath and pretended to kiss me back. I took the lead and kissed him again, this time with more passion and I felt he opened his mouth a bit, so I could taste him. His kiss was soft and insecure in the beginning, but he soon gave in to desire and lust, holding me in his embrace and sweet loving passion. 

He opened his eyes and looked into mine, as if seeing me for the first time. Maybe it was the first time he saw me like that. 

We were standing in the centre of the room. Our bodies were touching, our arms around each other. He touched my face and I moved my head and kissed his long-fingered and pale hand. He held my hand in his and kissed it back. That unpretentious gesture was so simple and at the same time so intimate, it kind of ignite the fire inside us. He held me back in his arms, firmly and strongly. Then he kissed me with such a passion, I felt his whole body shake. He was hungry. So was I. Our mouths locked, our tongues interlocked. He mumbled what I though was something like ‘I love you’. I moaned and held his body against mine, feeling it react in a way I could not control… not that I would ever try to…

- Let me look at you.

His face was flushed. His eyes bluer. I unbuttoned his shirt collar, his other buttons one after the other, stopping once each one was released and looking at his amazing ginger furred chest, his lovely pink nipples and his pale skin. I caressed his torso with uneasy fingers. 

Amazing how the first time one is with another can be so enticing and such a marvellous journey of exploration and discovery, even for someone who had experienced that before. I took his shirt off and enjoyed the view of his bare torso. That big boy was incredibly handsome and strong. His body was a dream.

I started unbuttoning my shirt, but he held my hands and moved forward doing the same I’d just done with him, kissing my neck as soon as he pushed the fabric off over my shoulders and let the garment fall to the floor. I got goose bumps and quivered slightly. He kissed every inch of my skin, tasted and smelled the scent of my trembling body. I held his head in my two hands and kissed his scalp, while he went down my chest and nipples, stomach and navel, with his lips and tongue, opening his way onto my eager self. He stopped right there below my navel and lightly licked the path of fine hair growing downwards and hiding through the blue jeans around my waist. His warm hands reached down, unbuckling the belt and undoing my trousers. My skin was on fire. He caressed me and then kissed my mouth over and over again, holding me in his tight embrace. Our bodies were touching, our hands uneasy around each other. He moved his fingertips down my back and held me closer to him. 

I felt the dragon’s fire burning me with sweet lustful yearning and then I heard him whisper.

- I know you are the one who will unlock the secret. Your experience, your care, your love are all the things I've been seeking and the fact they all come in the form of the sexiest package I could wish for make it even more exciting and fulfilling.

- Your eyes are too kind. They see me better than I really am. You’re so special I feel I am somewhat special too.

- You are. Love me now, my sweet guide…

- Yes, my ginger furred lover. Just let yourself be loved…

My warm hands caressed his sturdy and beautiful body. I kissed his neck, shoulder and back and pushing him over to the large bed, kissed the rest of that man with utter attention and lust.

He closed his eyes, savouring the moment, while giving himself in to my touch and caresses, full of genuine desire. I just wanted to be with him, to fulfil his deeper desires and to please him the best I could. I knew it would be great for both of us, because we loved and respected one another very much, but I wanted him to be content and satisfied. I wanted it to be memorable…

***

- You know, making love with you was the most amazing experience I could ever dream of, but do you know what I think I fantasised most?

- Tell me…

- I think I longed for this special moment after we are finished, when both our bodies are spent, when we can just lie together naked and holding each other, not needing to speak, but just knowing we are together and we have our lover next to us, with us… to be able to have you sleep with me, to have you in front of me, so I can spoon you and protect you, my arms around you, to smell your neck and hair and to caress your naked skin… to look forward to more lovemaking but just, for now, to enjoy the peace and tranquillity of having you in my embrace…

We were looking at each other. He opened the most wonderful grin and pulled me towards him, nesting my body into his arms and kissing my front, then my face and my lips. I rested my arms around his body, my head on his ginger chest and then I closed my eyes, feeling I was surrounded by that red dragon’s sheltering wings. 

That was the place I felt I really belonged…

***

- What do you mean?

- NYC, my love. Will you come with me?

- I don’t know what to say…

- Say yes, then…

His deep blue eyes met mine. His face was paler and quite serious with expectation. I was appalled but my mind was working in high speed, trying to find the words to answer him. Instead, I asked.

- Is that a proposal?

- Not for marriage, sweetheart, but still a proposal…

He laughed at me, when I blushed unexpectedly.

- Well, at least you’re not kneeling.

- Not for that reason, no…

- Don’t you ever! I think I’d better check my passport then…

***

- Is this any kind of madness?

- If it is, then there is no cure or way out, my lover... But it is good being this mad as long as I am with you…

We were walking hand in hand along the seashore. I haven’t had felt so alive in quite a long time and that was so good and so liberating at the same time. The simple rubbing on the skins of our hands was enough to ignite a series of uncontrolled sensations, some of them very noticeable. 

He held me in his arms and said, softly, while holding me in an embrace:

- You will never have to be alone again, my dear lover, while I am alive and around...

The red dragon unfolded his broad wings, dove into the air and reached up the sky. 

The slightly smaller brown dragon flapped his almost golden wings and followed close. His eyes were moist. He tried but could not really hide the affection he had towards his ginger lover flying so free and so happy and leading the way. 

His tears, he knew, however, were of pure enjoyment…

***

* (Originally from "A Efígie do Dragão")
** (Originally from Van Morrison's "Have I told you lately that I love you?"