domingo, 19 de agosto de 2018

Tattoo (Part 2 of 2)



- Mine is prettier.

- It is. No doubt it was a very beautiful choice.

- I’ve decided for a more modern design and I think I got it so right.

- Definitely yes. It’s very well done and with a beautiful colour effect... I wouldn’t have made a better choice.

He looked at the picture once again and kissed the etched dragon intentionally tattooed between the two dimples in the lower part of my back. My skin was warm and reacted when his lips touched that strategic point located at the base of my spine.

- I love your curves. These two dimples are so incredibly sexy... And now there is also this dragon so well made and meaningful...

I bent slightly up, as if submitting my body to more welcome displays of affection and he accepted the offer so eagerly, it triggered an almost involuntary and almost irreversible reaction. I could feel he did not want to worry about control over anything, anyway. He just lay down on top of me, kissing every part of my body. I felt so loved and so desired by him, my whole body opened for his caresses and for his so welcomed yearning.

- Uhm ... What was that?

No answer. He just kept on kissing me all over. I cringed as he rubbed his lips behind my ear, triggering waves of goose bumps running all over the extension of my skin. He giggled and took advantage of the discovery. It was his chance.

***

- We are marked forever.

- As if we were genuine soul mates...

- Ahaha! There you come, again, with that soul mate thing...

- We're matching souls and bodies, then.

- We're people who like to be with each other and our bodies know that. Isn’t that enough?

- "May it be eternal while it lasts"?

- Maybe that's more than enough...

I laughed, pretending I was happy with that, but my mind accepted things quite different from his. He always tried to keep his emotions under controlled loss of control. He used to say that nothing in life would be eternal and that having high expectations could lead to big disappointments. He did not want our "friendship", so to speak, to lead to anything other than the good things we already had.

I knew things could be more complicated than the simplification he tried to imply about the situation. I was not afraid of being romantic or giving myself in and letting myself go ahead, in the name of a feeling I would want to grow stronger. That was how I was. My head was always in the clouds, my body always ready, when we were together. I wanted that to last forever, although I knew it would end… eventually…

- Let go. Let go. Don’t hold back. Be entirely here with me… Give yourself in to this moment… Don’t be afraid…

I knew the risks involved. I knew the pleasures that relationship had brought to our lives... and I liked the whole thing... but I was not sure about him. He seemed to have his mind so far away sometimes… so untouchable. Maybe I was only being paranoid. Maybe I was right…

***

- Do you like it this way?

- I do, but move a little further up, please.

- On here?

- Yes. That’s it.

I examined him carefully, with opportunistic lascivious eyes, my cheeks flushed with desire, and hummed softly, next to his ear:

"You’re on my heart just like a tattoo"... (Jordin Sparks – Just Like a Tattoo)

I ran my fingers lightly over the drawing, which had been etched in pain on the left side of his waist. I kissed, not only there, but in several other parts of his body, as I used to do, when desire surpassed control.

Our tattoos were almost committed to each other. Two dragons so dissimilar, representing two very different meanings, printed on the skins of two very unalike people. But even so, they were two dragons: two creatures of the same species... or maybe not...

***

- Hug me.

- What happened?

- Shhh.

My body was warm, as if it were burning coal. He had no idea what was going on, so he just stood there, not saying a word, listening to my panting breath and feeling my heart pound against his chest. He sensed something was wrong, but he did not know what it was.

- Tell me what's going on.

- Shhh. Just stay like this, a little longer...

We stayed, what seemed like an endless time, in that tight embrace. When, at last, I released him, I said only in an almost desperate whisper:

- Make love with me… Don’t make love to me: make love with me!

He did not say anything, just let himself go... completely... like an inflatable boat, down the rapids, without oars and without rudder.

We made love as if madness had taken over us. Our bodies burned as if they were suffering from a high fever and we had our bloods running, like hot lava in our veins, ready to erupt at any moment. We sought to satisfy an insatiable thirst, while we drank from the same venom, or its antidote, mixed erratically in our mouths and pursued a comfort that did not exist. We let ourselves be taken by the insanity that made that moment unique and intense, in waves that came and went inside us, like the sea throwing itself on the sands of the beach, in that rhythmic, sometimes languid, sometimes energetic back and forth. We sailed in dark deep waters, like a boat without a helmsman, who ran the risk of wrecking the hull on the reefs and the sharp banks of multi-coloured corals.

He closed his eyes, trying to refrain the distress that was taking hold of him, and let out a scream, like an animal in the forest. His whole body convulsed, in repeated spasms. Then that feeling of abandonment and relaxation followed. Our bodies were inert for a few moments, overcome by fatigue.

We stayed in silence, listening to our breaths, which were slowly going back to their natural rhythm.

We lost track of time and fell into a deep sleep. I had a dream I would never tell him about. I was drowning in the dark chilly waters of doubt and I could not do anything to avoid it. I was choking and there was no one else around to give me a hand. I was so alone and cold…

When I woke up, he was still sleeping. That bed looked huge and cold despite the heat outside.

Something seemed out of place. There was a strange atmosphere and for a moment I felt sad. Anguish tortured my chest. That dream made me think of what was happening between the two of us.

My mouth was very dry. I needed fresh water. I got up and went into the kitchen. It was late at night, and there was a pleasant breeze coming through the open door onto the porch, so I went outside.

***

- Hey.

- Hey.

His voice was almost a whisper. I was about to scream in despair. I tried to stay calm. I thanked the night, for my face was hidden in its darkness.

- What are you doing?

- Thinking...

- Do I bother you?

- Of course not.

He came closer and kissed my back and neck, then rubbed his lips, very lightly, all the way down my back to stop at the tattoo, almost invisible in the shade. My skin shivered and I let my body curl toward him in a reaction of agreement. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

- I love your smell.

- Hmm...

- You're an addiction... I feel like I cannot live without you.

I turned to him, my face neatly hidden in the gloom.

- I'm going away.

- Are you? Why?

- It must be. You're right. This became a real addiction. I'm losing control.

- But that's good, isn’t it?

How I wished that was the whole truth about it, but I had to keep it simple.

- I don’t know. I'm suffocating. I cannot go on like this... I need space for myself... I have a lot to think about...

- I don’t understand…

- I do not even know if I understand, but... I must do something... and it has to be urgently... If I stay, I will make you unhappy...

- Unhappy? How come?

The answer was a lot more complicated than the question, so I stayed quiet. His idea of ​​happiness was so different from mine. He was happy with that situation and I needed more. I just wanted it to give me more peace of mind, more composure, more security. I had to leave before becoming sad and tired of trying to always be there for him and his physical desires.

I looked at him with a mixture of sadness and anticipation in my expression.

He was silent for a few minutes, not knowing how to react. I don’t think he knew what to think. His mind searched for reasons and reasons to justify that decision and could find none.

- I know I must respect your will. There's nothing I can do to change that, is there?

- I really must go.

- Okay then, but this is all very sad...

- We will have so many beautiful memories to keep, will not we?

- Many... We will always have our tattoos, vivid in our skins, to bring them to the memory every time.

- Well, dragons always come back in the spring...

- Do they?

- Uh-huh... With the first full moon...

- I've never thought of that.

He looked me in the eyes and saw my decision was made.  I could not smile, as my soul was torn in pieces. There was nothing else to be said. That was definitely goodbye.

***

I still keep my precious tattoo. It reminds me of great times with a wonderful man… who was never mine entirely. The pain I felt when the needle pierced my skin to imprint that wonderful dragon on my lower back was nothing compared to the sorrow I felt by the decision I’ve made to leave him, despite so many times regretting that...

Who knows how strong I can be and what decisions I still can make in the future, anyway…. Time can change everything… so many times…


quarta-feira, 8 de agosto de 2018

Tattoo (Part 1 of 2)



- It's a dragon.

- I've seen better ones, but it’s not bad.

- I know... I should have it retouched... I want to change the original figure a bit.

The image, the size of a clenched fist, represented an old-fashioned dragon and was imprinted on the left side of his waist. He said he had it for about ten years and the image no longer had the same initial brightness, thus it needed to be remade.

I kissed it, softly, as if kissing the head of a child... or a pet...

He looked at me, while I was trying to read his reactions to my almost childish attitude, with curious, inquisitive eyes. I laughed and it was so truly spontaneous. He seemed to be confused, initially, but soon he too laughed loudly.

I hummed the verse of an old song, smiling, with the clear intention of teasing him.

"You’re on my heart just like a tattoo"... (Jordin Sparks – Just Like a Tattoo)

He laughed again.

- This is such an old song...

- But still fits so well right now...

I looked at him not really trying to hide the evident glow of desire that my lips had just revealed. All I wanted was to play around with his libido and his reactions, tease him a bit and see what would come from that. I simply loved his physique and looking at it and touching his skin was enough to set my body on fire.

He turned around and hugged me, lying his head on my chest. I let out a long sigh and played with his short soft hair, passing the other arm around him, bringing him closer to me.

He closed his eyes. I felt I was holding a vulnerable child in my warm lap and protecting him with my embrace. For a moment I thought he was in need of that.

- I like the softness of your hair.

- I like you touching my head.

- They say it's proof of great trust.

- I know…

- Is there anything you do not know?

- Many, but I do not remember any, right now...

He laughed. Who was teasing who, after all?

***

- Do you believe in soul mates?

- I don’t believe in souls, much less in soul mates. I believe, yes, in mates, in affinities, in respect to the limits and...

- Don’t be like that. We have many affinities, it's true, but I feel like we are actually soul mates...

- Do you really think so?

- You no longer believe in anything that is not real and solidly palpable. You lost romanticism and fantasy...

- But I did not lose touch, did I?

I smiled. He looked at me as if analysing the expression on my face. I really wanted to say more, but just said what I thought, for the moment, and there was so much to say.

- No. Touch is one of the things I love most about you... and not only...

- Oh, is it not? What else do you like?

I did not answer that too specific question and just laughed. My thoughts were running wild, just remembering our fun times together in that king-size bed, where his perfectly fit body was so eager to give me pleasure and comfort. I loved the way he touched me, the way he made love with me, instead of making love to me, making me lose my mind and control and then lie in my arms and fall asleep.

I was still looking at him with affectionate attention, when his expression changed suddenly. By looking at his face and his distant gaze, I felt like he was, sometimes, an impossible riddle to solve. He seemed to be so distant then. I wondered what was going on in his mind. He never seemed to open about his secrets or his inner feelings to me. Maybe he did not fully trust me, after all. I tried to cool down, but my mind started playing heavily with my insecurities.

Why is he so quiet? Oh, God, I wish I could read his mind… ’

Maybe he was just daydreaming or recalling bad memories. I wished I could help him, but he never allowed me in to that secret portion of his life… 

I decided to bring him back and kissed his cheek. He came back to reality, with a funny smile on his face.

- Where were you? You seemed so far away.

He just said.

- I was just enjoying this moment. It's good to be here without having to think about anything else...

That did not convince me, obviously.

- Yeah, right... Without thinking about anything else... I see…

He did not smile. Me neither.

- I'm glad you're here.

- Why so?

- Because you give me a sense of security.

- Ah...

- Don't doubt it. This is very important to me.

- Okay. Whatever you say…

I kissed his lips lightly. He responded with a kind of controlled desperation, but his entire body betrayed him with an involuntary shake.

‘Something seems so upsettingly wrong now. What is going on in his mind?’

- Are you OK?

- Uh huh...

That answer should be enough to put an end in the conversation. It was, among us, a sign that it was time to say no more, in spite of the doubts in my mind and my sudden lack of confidence.

We used to respect each other’s silences, when our bodies were present, but our thoughts were not. We knew our own desires and we cherished our needs to stay that way, quiet, without saying anything, just listening to the music that came from the computer in the living room, each one with their own thoughts and skeletons kept in separate cupboards.

I pretended not to see the teardrops rolling down his face. They cut my soul apart like sharp blades, as they ran down. How I wish I could do something to bring him back from that sorrow and to show him I cared so much about him.

‘Why is he so sad and distant?’

I looked at his face, then to his body and again to his dragon tattoo and decided to call him back to life.

***

- I'm going to get a tattoo.

- Are you? And what will it be?

- I'm not telling you.

- Why not?

- I want it to be a surprise.

- OK, then. Whatever... you know the consequences... and you know it’s painful...

I laughed, as I had considered all the circumstances and was so decided to have my own.

- When?

- Soon... I don’t know yet, for sure...

He raised one of his eyebrows, as if suspecting what was behind that half-explanation. I had my secrets. I knew exactly what to expect and had my decision made. I was glad he accepted it so nicely. He’s had his own tattoo, for his own reason. I decided I would have mine too. After all, it was my body and my choice. I had my reasons too…

***

- I'll go out. I don’t know what time I'm coming back.

- Really? How come?

-I simply don’t know... I might take long. Who knows?

I avoided his stare. I would not wait for him to say anything anyway. I just turned around and left, as happy as a bird. Anticipation was filling my heart.

I couldn’t wait to do what I intended to. I thought he would be so surprised…

***


terça-feira, 31 de julho de 2018

Tatuagem (Parte 2 de 2)



- A minha é mais bonita.

- Sem dúvida. Foi uma bela escolha.

- É mais moderna, pelo menos.

- Pois é. Ficou muito bem-feita mesmo. Um lindo efeito…

Desta vez era eu quem beijava a tatuagem, estrategicamente gravada, entre as duas covinhas, na parte mais baixa das suas costas. A pele estava morna e reagiu, quando meus lábios tocaram, de leve, aquele ponto estratégico, tatuado na base da sua coluna.

- Eu adoro tuas curvas. Estas duas covinhas são tão sexy… E, agora, há também, este dragão tão bem feitinho e significativo…

Curvou-se um pouco, como se oferecesse o corpo para mais bem-vindas demonstrações de carinho.

Aquilo foi como um gatilho, que disparou uma reacção quase involuntária e quase irreversível, mas eu já não me preocupava com controlo sobre nada, de toda forma. Deitei-me sobre seu corpo, sentindo o sangue a correr-me, quente e acelerado, nas veias e a encher-me o corpo de desejo.

- Uhm… O que foi isso?

Não respondi. Apenas comecei a beijar cada pedacinho de seu atraente corpo. Encolheu-se quando rocei os lábios atrás da orelha e sua pele arrepiou-se de imediato. Era minha deixa…

***

- Nossas peles estão marcadas para sempre.

- Como se fossem almas gémeas…

- Ahaha! Lá vens tu, outra vez, com isso…

- Somos complementares, então.

- Somos pessoas que gostam de estar uma com a outra e nossos corpos sabem disso. Não é o bastante?

- “Que seja eterno enquanto dure”?

- Talvez isso seja suficiente…

Riu-se. Parecia satisfazer-se com aquilo, naquele momento, pelo menos. Nisto éramos tão diferentes.

Eu sempre tentava manter as coisas sob um descontrolo controlado. Sabia que nada na vida seria eterno. Sabia que ter muitas expectativas podia levar a grandes decepções e não queria que aquela “amizade”, por assim dizer, levasse a nada além das boas coisas, que já tínhamos, embora sentisse que estava sendo cruel com ambos, enquanto pensasse daquele jeito.

Eu havia perdido um bocado daquele romantismo que alguma vez tivera. Aquele não era seu caso. Sua cabeça estava sempre nas nuvens, seu corpo sempre pronto, quando estávamos juntos.

- Deixa-te levar. Solta-te. Não te reprimas. Não tenhas medo.

E lá ia eu. Levando-me por uma onda de calor, sabia os riscos do envolvimento. Sabia os riscos da entrega total. Sabia os prazeres que aquilo trazia… e gostava… mas não ousava admitir em alta voz.

***

- Gostas?

- Gosto.

- Mais para cima, um pouquinho.

- Aqui?

- Isso.

Examinou-me, cuidadosamente, com olhos oportunamente lascivos, as faces afogueadas pelo desejo e cantarolou baixinho, junto ao meu ouvido:

“Eu quero ficar no teu corpo, feito tatuagem”…

Passou os dedos, de leve, sobre o desenho, que havia sido gravado, e com muita dor, na lateral esquerda da minha cintura. Chegou-se mais perto e beijou, não só ali, mas em várias outras partes do meu corpo, como costumava fazer, quando o desejo ultrapassava o controlo.

Nossas tatuagens eram quase casadas. Dois dragões tão dissemelhantes, com dois significados tão distintos, impressos nas peles de duas pessoas tão diferentes. Mas, mesmo assim, eram dois dragões: duas figuras da mesma espécie… ou não…

***

- Abraça-me. De verdade…

- Que houve?

- Shhh.

Seu corpo estava quente, como se fosse brasa acesa. Eu não tinha ideia do que se passava, por isso limitei-me a ficar ali, sem dizer palavra alguma, ouvindo sua respiração arquejante e sentindo o coração a bater forte contra meu peito. Algo parecia estar errado, mas eu não sabia o que era.

- Diz-me o que se passa.

- Shhh. Fica só assim, um pouco mais…

Ficamos, o que pareceu-me um tempo interminável, naquele abraço apertado. Quando, por fim, libertou-me, disse, somente, num sussurro quase desesperado:

- Faz amor comigo.

Não respondi, apenas deixei-me levar... completamente… como um bote insuflável, descendo as corredeiras, sem remos e sem leme.

Avançamos como se uma loucura tivesse tomado conta de nós. Nossos corpos ardiam como se acometidos por uma febre alta e tivéssemos o sangue a correr, como lava quente nas nossas veias, pronto a entrar em erupção a qualquer momento. Procurávamos satisfazer uma sede insaciável, enquanto bebíamos de um mesmo veneno, ou seu antídoto, misturado erraticamente em nossas bocas e buscávamos um conforto que não existia. Deixamo-nos tomar pela insanidade que tornava aquele momento único e intenso, em ondas que iam e vinham dentro de nós, como o mar a atirar-se nas areias da praia, naquele vai-e-vem ritmado, ora lânguido, ora enérgico. Navegamos em águas escuras e profundas, como um barco sem timoneiro, que corre o perigo de arrebentar o casco nos arrecifes e nos afiados bancos de corais multicoloridos.

Fechei os olhos, tentando conter a aflição que tomava conta de mim e deixei escapar um grito, como de um animal na floresta, quando aquela explosão vermelha culminou, de um crescendo de sensações já, então, incontroláveis. Meu corpo todo convulsionou, em espasmos repetidos. 

Teoristas poderiam chamar aquele momento de “a pequena morte”. Eu chamava de “a grande queda”. 

Depois, veio aquela sensação de abandono e relaxamento. Nossos corpos ficaram inertes por uns momentos, vencidos pelo cansaço.

Seguiu-se um silêncio, pontilhado, apenas, pelo pulsar de nossas respirações, que iam voltando ao seu ritmo natural.

Perdi a noção do tempo e mergulhei num sono profundo, com sonhos coloridos em matizes vibrantes. Sentia que estava com o corpo e a mente retidos entre o firmamento e a terra… ou entre o céu e o inferno… para quem acreditasse naquilo.

Quando acordei, estava só. A cama parecia enorme e fria, apesar do calor lá fora.

Algo parecia fora do sítio. Havia uma atmosfera estranha e, por um momento, senti-me entristecer. Uma angústia torturava-me o peito.

Minha boca estava muito seca. Precisava de água fresca. Levantei-me e fui até a cozinha. Já era noite e havia uma agradável aragem a entrar pela porta aberta para a varanda. Um movimento do lado de fora chamou minha atenção. Pousei o copo vazio sobre a pia e fui até lá.

***

- Hey.

- Hey.

Minha voz era quase um sussurro. Meu peito, em desconforto, quase me fazia berrar de desespero, por alguma razão que eu não conhecia ainda. Tentei manter a calma.

- Que fazes?

- Penso…

- Atrapalho?

- Claro que não.

Aproximei-me e beijei-lhe as costas e o pescoço, com suavidade. Rocei os lábios, muito de leve, descendo até a tatuagem, quase invisível naquela penumbra. Sua pele arrepiou-se e senti o corpo curvar-se na minha direcção, numa reacção de anuência. Fechei os olhos e inspirei profundamente.

- Eu adoro teu cheiro.

- Hmm…

- És um vício… Tenho a impressão que não posso ficar sem ti.

Virou-se para mim, com o rosto convenientemente escondido pela penumbra.

- Vou-me embora.

- Como assim? Por quê?

- Tem que ser. Tens toda razão. Isso virou um verdadeiro vício. Chego a perder o controlo.

- Mas isso é bom, não é?

- Não sei. Estou sufocando. Não posso continuar assim… Preciso de espaço para mim… tenho muito que pensar…

- Eu não entendo…

- Nem sei se eu entendo, na verdade… mas tenho que fazer algo… e tem que ser urgentemente… Se eu ficar, vou-te fazer infeliz…

- Infeliz? Como?

Não respondeu.

Como podia ser infeliz, se tudo o que tinha era aquele relacionamento? Aquela era minha ideia de felicidade, até o momento, em que tudo caía por terra, com uma sentença incompreensível e inaceitável por minha razão.

Olhou-me com um misto de tristeza e expectativa na expressão.

Fiquei uns minutos, em silêncio, sem saber como reagir. Não sabia o que pensar. Minha mente buscava razões e mais razões, para justificar aquela decisão e não conseguia encontrar nenhuma.

- Sei que tenho que respeitar a tua vontade. Não há nada que eu possa fazer, para mudar isso, não é mesmo?

- Não. Eu tenho mesmo que ir.

- Ok, então, mas isso tudo é muito triste...

- Vamos guardar lindas recordações, não é mesmo?

- Muitas… Sempre teremos as nossas tatuagens, vívidas em nossas peles, para trazê-las à memória.

- Os dragões sempre voltam na Primavera…

- É?

- Uh-hum… Com a primeira lua cheia...

- Nunca havia pensado nisso.

Aqueles seus olhos enormes e a ausência de um simples sorriso eram sinal de uma coisa somente. Já não havia nada mais a ser dito. Aquele era, definitivamente, um adeus.

 ***

Quando entrei no estúdio, minha decisão já estava tomada. Aquela ia ser uma operação angustiante, sob vários pontos de vista. Quando a agulha do mecanismo começou a perfurar minha pele, reavivando os pigmentos com a tinta especial, eu senti lágrimas a me brotarem nos olhos e deixei que caíssem livremente, sabendo que não eram, realmente, devido àquela aflição física…

A tatuagem foi refeita, mudando um pouco a face do dragão e acentuando as linhas e cores da figura original. Aquela era uma pequena mudança, não somente na minha pele, mas era definitiva…

***