Hyacinthus (Final)

“Down on my knees, down on my knees once again... 

  I'm down on my knees, down on my knees once again... 

  Breaking in tears, breaking in tears once again...

  It's hard for me, but I'm trying”… (Adam Evald; “That Day”)

***

- What have you done?

- If he’s not mine, he’s not anyone else’s either…

- Are you out of your mind? And what do we do now?

He revealed that maleficent smile again, while speaking very slowly and clearly.

- I won’t do anything… I have just done what I wanted to… You’re the one who has to do something now.

- Oh, my God! What do I do now?

- Take your medicine and I’ll disappear… and you’ll have to face a crime… alone… or you can call it an accident. Perhaps they’ll buy it, or else…

- Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

***

- You’re delirious! There’s nothing in there.

- I promise you there was a body. A dead man! He was right there!    

   

- How long since you’ve taken your last pill?

- I’m not sure. I’ve lost track of time.

- Look at me. Focus. Now! How long?

- I don’t know. A couple of weeks, maybe.

- Weeks? Are you crazy? You know you must take it every day!!! How do you know you’re not hallucinating?

- I’m not. I mean, I don’t think so…

- You don’t think so? You don’t think so?!?!? What does that mean? Don’t you see you can be convicted as accessory to a crime? If there was really a crime!

- I’m not an accessory. I did not encourage or participate in that...

- You’ll have to prove it, if we ever find the body.

He kneeled on the floor, holding his head with both hands and cried, like a child, when they heard the sound of the siren coming closer.

***

There was silence in the darkness. There was darkness in that silence.

The man looked around. He seemed to be alone. He was not sure where he was. He heard a dry click and suddenly a door was opened. The light pierced his eyes. He tried to cover his face with both hands, but he could not move them. He was not alone anymore.

- How do you feel?

- What is this? Where am I?

- You’re safe now. We will take care of you…

The men dressed in white came closer. He had the impression he knew one of them. He saw his friend on the corner of the room, but that could be just an impression… his mind playing games with him.

A sudden sting in his left arm made him open his eyes wide, but he soon felt he could not keep them open for much longer. He could still hear the noises of people talking, but the words were vanishing in the confusing mix of different voices.

Then it was all dark again… and silent…

***

- How is he doing?

- He’s been in and out. He’s just coming out of another crisis. His case became more and more complex with the passing of time and the fact that he did not take the medication for months.

- I see…

The doctor was being as honest and practical as he could be.

- He needs to stay in intensive care for some time still, before we release him.

- Will he ever been cured? I mean, even with a lifetime prescription process?

- We’ll never know for sure… Life is full of surprises…

***

- Will you help me out of here?

- That’s what I’m doing…

- No. Not this way, no…

- It is the only way now.

- Please…

- You asked me once if I knew about your feelings for me and I said I was not good at speaking my heart out. Well, I thought a lot about that, and the only way out is staying in. And this is so because I really care about you. More than anything else… I’ll be here for you all the time.

His eyes were fixed on his loved comrade. There was a mix of pity, concern and true affection. He touched his friend’s face, very lightly.

- You are so kind…

- And you’re so stoned…

He closed his eyes and fell asleep with a smile on his face.

***

Patience, medication and a close vigilance proved to be the most effective treatment for his schizophrenia.

The doctors discharge him from the treatment centre after deciding he was ready to go back to his almost normal life and to the things and people he was used to, when the symptoms seemed to have disappeared completely.

He was relieved and so was his best friend and mentor. They needed a celebration. They had agreed they would go to the beach house, as he wanted to spend a time by the sea, far from doctors and nurses.

They drove to the beach so to spend more than just that weekend away.

***

- Don’t go away. I don’t want you to leave anymore.

- I’m right here. Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere.

- I feel sad when I think that he died that way. I still feel guilty about all of that…

- He’s not dead, silly!

- What do you mean?

- How could he? He’d never been real.

- You should not be here either. Not anymore… at least… but…

He smiled. That strange smirk again.

- Your mind is more powerful than you want to admit! Have you taken your pills today?

- I have, of course.

- Then?

- You’re still here.

- See? If after all this time you still see me… well, you know how to put two and two together. I’m glad you’ve kept our secret that I’ve never really disappeared. Now, look around. Don’t you see him? At that side of the beach, close to the rocks?

He walked some timid steps to that direction.

His perception of everything around him seemed more accurate and clear than ever before: the breeze… the raging sea... a sound he had known very well…

The discus fell at his feet. When he leaned forward to catch it, he heard the giggle. The man’s ginger hair was shining in the sun. He loved that handsome and masculine face and that bright smile, almost brighter than the sun.  

He looked at him, smiling and feeling relieved. They hugged each other in silence.

They both started crying, filled with a strange and authentic happiness.

The sky above was very clean and blue. The wind wafted around them and it felt like an embrace and a kiss blown on their faces. They heard a chuckle. 

He knew Zephyr was laughing at them from a distance.

***

The day was sunny and warm, and the breeze was really welcoming. His friend’s hand lay upon his shoulder and he felt protected, loved and, if that was possible, as free as a seabird.

- You’re the kindest and more loved creature of the Universe! I would never be thankful enough for the patience and care and attention and…

- Oh! Stop it! I really care about you. A lot… And I’m not afraid of saying that anymore.

Stripping off his t-shirt and getting rid of his training shoes and shorts, he walked straight to the sea, followed by his best friend, who was as naked and feeling as free as he was.

Two figures were observing them, sitting on the rocks, from a safe distance.

He pretended not to see them, but he sensed they were smiling, as if they were having fun with all that.

***

Hyacinthus (Part 1)

The morning air was still very fresh, almost cold, in spite of being high summer season.

The man ran his both hands along his well-groomed blond hair, trying to hold it tamed against the wind which was blowing from the sea. Assuming he was alone, he stripped off his t-shirt, running shoes and shorts and then managed to tie his hair up on a bun at the top of his head. He crossed the white sands, walking confidently towards the fresh emerald-green waters and dove into the breaking waves…

It felt great and refreshing, after the sprint he had along the beach, as he normally did while staying at the summer house for as long as a full high season month.

Some minutes later he came off the sea and only then he noticed he was not actually alone, after all. He looked at where his clothes were left on and walked upon the fine sand to that direction.

He did not try to hide or cover his naked body. He simply grabbed his t-shirt and rubbed it on his upper body, intending to dry it out a bit and put his shorts back on. It was only then he finally spoke, while picking up his running shoes, ready to go back home.

***

“Demons are back, demons are back once again,

Fighting them off, I’m fighting them off once again,

It's hard for me, but I'm trying”… (Adam Evald; “That Day”)

- The story in this video clip is so sad.

- It is, but I like the song… very much…

- A mood song. I wonder what happened to them. Why did she leave?

- Do you really need to know? When it’s over, it’s over…

- But two beautiful people… popular culture tells us their lives must therefore be perfect.

- No life is perfect… sadly.

- But all advertising is based on the belief that it’s possible. And we fall for it.

- Do you still fall for those? It’s been a long time since I last believed in any perfect relationship.

- It does work!

He thought about it for as long as a full couple of seconds.

- It might work… for a time… maybe…

He got up and walked off the living room towards the balcony. The night was pleasant and quiet. He could hear the ocean roaring from the distance, invitingly, so he decided to go for a walk. He needed to think, get some fresh air, and let himself go with the summer night and the sea breeze… in his own inner and private world.

***

- Don’t you see it doesn’t work like that? It’s not only my will that counts in this situation. I cannot hurt people who got nothing to do with this situation for my own sake.

- You will have to, eventually.

- I hope not.

- What will you do, then? What do you want to do?

- I don’t know. I’ve tried to come to an end and all I could see was a dead end.

- You’ll have to find a way. Or else you’ll go crazy.

- Don’t push me.

- It’s my job to push you out of this comfort zone. You’re getting too used to pain and guilt… and sadness… besides those escape moments once a week or so…

- It’s easy for you to say it, when you’ve got so much less to lose.

He smiled. He knew what the man was talking about and he knew it was not as easy as he was pushing him into, but that was what he could do to help.

- We need to go. I have another patient waiting already.

The therapy session was over. The man felt almost relieved. Sometimes those meetings were very stressful as they pulled some strings really hard.

When he walked off the analyst office he felt tired… and sad… There were lots of things to think over until their next appointment.

***

Jealousy is a very dangerous thing. It can blur one’s discernment. And sometimes it can lead to things one might do without thinking… risky and hot-headed acts.

- Zephyr?

- Yes. He is the one. I know him.

- That’s a horrible name! Who still name their offspring like that?

He laughed. They were playing throwing the discus on the field by the bigger lake at the city park. There were a couple of swans swimming in the calm waters close by and that felt like they were in a world all of their own.

He saw the man coming towards where they were. There was a strange smile on his face, as if he was coming with some intention.

For some strange and mystifying reason, as soon as the man got closer, an unexpected wind started blowing and the swans got uneasy and noisy, spreading their wings and craning their long necks ahead. 

- Zephyr, you said, uh?

- Yeah, right!

The two friends approached the newcomer and greeted him. The man smiled and leaning forward, grabbed the discus from the ground and handed it in to the blond man.

- Mind if I join in the game?

- Not at all. Be welcome.

- (That smile again… What does it mean?)

***

- What do you mean by “back”?

- Back… like here and again.

- I thought that was over.

- Me too, but it seems it’s not.

- Are you sure about it?

- Pretty sure, yes.

- What will you do, then?

- I don’t know yet… but I must do something… and quick!

- You better!

- I know. It’s not the perfect timing… and I thought that was… I mean, there are so many things still to sort out and now this!

- Be brave! You’ll need more than that to face it!

- I know…

For some reason his mind went back in time, when it all started…

- Oh! God!

***

Hypnos (Part 1: The Experiment)

There was a certain tension in the air. The studies room of the Polysomnography lab was ready for the new experiment. It was related to stimulation of certain areas of the head, through electric impulses controlled by computers installed in the investigation room. Those impulses simulated the electric discharges in the brain, which were intended to relax certain areas that patients suffering with sleep apnoea could not voluntarily and spontaneously do. 

It was a new procedure, in fact, but not considered risky. It could be a radical change if compared with any previous processes. That would be the first test to be performed and they were apprehensive about the continuity of the tests if anything went wrong. There was another issue that they had to consider as well: the procedure was not supposed to evolve to a home treatment and was not easy to be used out of specialized clinics.

For all that mattered, a new era in the area was starting. Good quality sleep was not being taken seriously anymore, but the consequences of lack of a good resting sleep were aggravated stress in a growing number of patients. Quality of life was not the same anymore and the scientists were worried about the future.

The patient was prepped. He was a graduate with a scholarship that volunteered more because of the money than for his love for science. His snoring, lack of good quality sleep and low energy were affecting his grades and his performance as student.

From where the scientists were, he looked like an astronaut in a capsule, fully wired so to provide the control room all possible information about his brain and cardiac activity during the tests. 

- Now close your eyes and relax. Count from a hundred to one backwards.

- This is stupid and scary.

- Don’t be afraid. Just close your eyes. After all, you volunteered…

- Yeah, right, but it was because of the money only… and I’m not sure I want to be part of this anymore…

The procedure started as a simple regression session. The activity in the room was being recorded by high resolution cameras inside the chamber. The sensors were attached to various points around the head and chest and they would send continuous EEG and ECG information to the computers. The patient’s arms and legs were secured to the sides of the bed by leather straps, in order to guarantee that he was not harmed by involuntary movements.

The scientists took their places in the observing room. Two of them wore high resolution headphones and could hear every single noise, including the rhythm and changes to his breathing.

The volunteer’s eyes became heavy and his breathing slowed down. He soon fell asleep. The REM followed to the satisfaction of the audience on the other side of the glass room. He was dreaming and seemed very calm and relaxed.

Suddenly, his eye movements became more evident and frantic. The sensors showed high energy pulses. The cardiogram seemed to be registering large scale fibrillation.

The man screamed once. Then a second time… and another one. Then he started shaking heavily and shouting.

- There’s something wrong! Abort! Abort! Bring him back! Quick!

The procedure was terminated immediately. The investigation team ran into the room and assisted the volunteer. He looked completely lost and scared. As soon as his arms and legs were freed, he got rid of the wiring and got up, running away from the lab, half naked.

- Bring him back. Hold this man!

- What happened?

- I don’t know, but there must be something very serious and worrying or else he would never run away that way. We must bring him back.

The security guards barely had time to close the door and stop his desperate exit.

The woman who was walking to him down the corridor had her very dark and straight hair tied up on a bun on top of her head. The local rules were clear and strict about having loose hair in the lab areas.

The man stopped and stared at her. Then he shouted.

- Get away from me.

- Calm down, man. What happened? Let’s talk a little.

- No. No. No.

He crossed the glass window and jumped off the open balcony of the fifteenth floor. What he experienced or saw was probably so disturbing and scary, that he preferred to dive down to his death instead of facing the experiment or its consequences.

***

- How are we supposed to know what he saw?

- We will have to go on with the experiment, before someone closes the lab down and prevent us from continuing with the experiences. We must be careful when choosing the next volunteer.

- We need to check the ECG’s. If we are lucky, we can find something in there.

- I don’t think so. We don’t have history records to compare results.

- True. Then we will need to create history.

- Do we really need to? That must be one case only… one in a million maybe?

- We don’t have a million… and maybe we will never have, after this incident. We will need to change the volunteers’ profiles.

- What do you mean?

The young scientist just looked at his peer and his stare answered the question without a single word.

- I got it. And who will be the first to go?

- We both go…

- What?

***

The corridors leading to the lab were empty at that time in the evening. The security guard did not ask anything when the two scientists crossed the hall and passed in front of the reception desk. He was used to seeing them walking in and out of the area, in odd hours, when they came to check and follow up the many varied experiments.

In the outer room, one of the scientists adjusted his sophisticated headphones to his ears and turned on the microphones installed in the inner capsule. Inside it, the other man tried to close his eyes.  

- Is everything ready? Are we going to use the same stimulation we did with the volunteer? What if anything goes wrong?

- Don’t start now with your fears. We need to have a hint of what he saw. That was not a normal reaction.

- I know. Ok. Ok. Let’s go ahead. Quick.

He took a deep breath, closed his eyes again and tried to relax. Soon the sleeping drug started to run into his veins, and he fell asleep.

With his eyes fixed to the terminals and the program sequence, the scientist initiated the exact same procedure they used to the other patient.

On the other side of the glass, his friend was going deep into a dream. The REMs could be observed by the cameras directed to his face.

- Well, well… What’s next?

The sensors were acting normally. He was relaxed. The previous volunteer could have had an allergic reaction to the drug used, although there was nothing in his medical records that would support that theory. Maybe the electric impulses, associated to the stress and fatigue… Maybe? Who would ever know now?

He looked at his friend and relaxed a bit too.

- Side effects probably… what a waste!

He heard a beep. The cardiogram line moved up and down quicker. He did not change anything in the program. It was probably a reaction to the dream the patient was having. The man started moving his head from one side to the other.

- Oh, oh… and what now?

 He could not change the program while the procedure was running. The cardiogram seemed jumping up and down now in arrhythmic activity and high pulses. The patient clenched his fist and moved his body in uncontrolled spasms. Then he screamed once… then again and again.

- Oh, fuuck! Not again!

He switched the paraphernalia off, got rid of his headphones and ran into the room, opened the capsule and ripped the terminals off his colleague’s body and head. He injected glucose and caffeine in his veins, without freeing his arms and legs. He called his name a couple of times, shaking his upper torso. The other man reacted, finally, still quite sleepy.

He stared at his friend and said:

- Fuck, man! What was that?

- What did you see? Tell me!

He fixed his stare into his friend’s eyes and said, slowly and in a low voice:

- I know what happened... We are in big trouble… and it’s a very big trouble!

***