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quinta-feira, 18 de julho de 2019

Homeward (Part 1)



As I walked off the front door, I was so distracted I almost bumped into the man who was passing by. He looked at me for less than one second, as if he was either cursing me or intending to kill me, but said nothing. I did not say anything other than murmur an embarrassed “I’m sorry” and went back on my way away from there.

There was something familiar about that man. His pale face and the blond-almost-ginger beard called my attention for some reason. He was a tall young man, maybe around his mid-thirties, his blond hair getting thin on top of his head, nice average looking body, without being athletic, but very far from being overweight.

He was busy with his phone, so he did not pay me more attention than I deserved: a mere few milliseconds.

There was a bus stop right in front of the building and that was where he stood.

If I was not nearly on time for an important appointment, I would find an excuse to come back and look at him just once more and a little longer than I did. But I was almost late…

***

- I feel like crying.

- Why?

- I’m not sure…

- Then who could be?

He looked at me, as if I was saying the worst nonsense of all.  I tried to hold my tears but could not. My heart was, for some reason, so heavy. He said nothing else. He knew me too well.

- Take me home, please.

- “Home is where your heart is”…

- You always say that.

- I do… because I know you like it.

- I do. But today I just want to feel protected. Let me be quietly embraced by you.

He just hugged me. And I cried.

***

- Will you tell me what’s going on?

- I don’t know if I can.

He turned around to face me. How could I explain that what I was feeling was really unexplainable? Would he ever understand that I sometimes was haunted by my own past?

- Do you want to be left alone? For a while?

- No. Not really.

- Then, come with me.

- Where to?

- To the beach. I know how the sea makes you feel good. You need that now.

I smiled and followed the man, who did not even wait for my answer. He was so sure I would follow him, he just assumed that was the right thing to do… And so we drove to the beachside, almost completely away from most of the people, in order to recharge our batteries… or better saying: to try and recharge my batteries.

We walked some distance all along the beach, with our feet in the cool waters. The air was fresh and as the time passed, the temperature slowly went down. It was late in the afternoon.

We leaned on the pier rail for a while, in silence, just watching the sun go down, enjoying the scenery and absorbed by our own private thoughts. My mind wandered away in time.

I saw myself a long time before, sitting on the white beach sand and watching the waves coming up and down for a long while to finally die by the shoreline in an explosion of sound and foam. My mind was elsewhere.

***

Time passed by so quickly. There were some people still walking by and a few fishermen around, each busy with their own businesses and acting as if I was just part of the whole scenery, which I was, in fact… for them. I looked around and decided I should go home, before it got dark.

There were some seagulls still flying above, probably trying to catch some fish, either from the sea directly or from some careless fishermen. One of the big birds suddenly dove into the air, almost hitting my head while I walked past, playing with my feet in the fresh waters. I ducked as quickly as I could but I lost my balance. I closed my eyes while I was falling down, sure that I was going to get all wet. For some reason, the unexpected happened and I neither went down in the water nor did I get wet. I was held in the mid-air.

- What happened?

- I saw it was going to happen and came to your aid.

- Huh?

The man, a tall and handsome blond was holding me tight with both hands. I felt his strong legs between mine and his muscled arms around my body. I recovered my balance and he released his grip.

- I’m sorry.

- Oh, don’t be. I was seeing myself going home all soaking wet. Thank you.

He smiled. I looked into his eyes. They were so blue.

- Oh, sweet Lord!

- What?

- Nothing. I’m sorry.

- Are you OK now?

- I am, thanks. Sorry I disturbed your fishing.

- No problem. I was just having some moments to myself after a day in the office.

- Do you have the time?

- I do… some… maybe… what for?

I laughed.

- I meant: what time is it now?

- Almost eight in the evening.

- Oh. So late. I did not realize it was that late. I gotta go.

He held my hand. I was speechless. For some reason I felt a chill going up my spine.

- Don’t go… yet… Would you have a cup of coffee with me? One day? Today? Now?

- Erm... I... don’t… know…

- Well, then just say yes!

***

I felt his arms around my waist. He pulled me closer to him and kissed my face, in a very natural way. For some reason I thought he was remembering the same occasion I was. Our minds can be funny sometimes. I smiled and kissed his cheek.

***

We decided to have dinner together, at a fancy restaurant downtown. It was located almost at the top of the street, in an old house, remodelled and modernized to fit the needs of a clientele used to the vegan and vegetarian new fashion in food serving. The white and light-blue plaster vine decorations climbed up the walls to the ceiling of the back room. The wooden floor seemed to be still the original one. Double-leaf doors give view to a patio illuminated by carefully chosen old-fashioned lamp posts. A large colourful fuchsia bougainvillea grew on the right side of the orchard, close to a line of white painted heavy cast iron furniture, probably used on sunny days or early summer evenings. 

The special mushroom risotto was exquisitely prepared and served with flamboyant mastery. I detected a hint of balsamic in the rich and creamy dish. It tasted like nothing I had savoured before. A chilled fruity white wine was chosen to accompany the dish and we shared a delicate dessert called “Chocolate Decadence”, followed by black coffee.

We paid the bill and went down the steps of a staircase at the entrance and gained the street. The wind was blowing fresher and we thought the night was pleasant for a side by side walk. We were enjoying being with each other, without talking much. Life can be so simple and good at the same time.

I thought of cats living their simple lives with simple pleasures and desired not much more than that. But we are just humans living like humans the best way we can. What else for a nice plate, a warm bed and a cuddling?

We heard the thunder very close by. I quivered a little.

- Are you afraid?

- No. Not really.

- Good. Then we need to go faster. It seems we’ll have rain very soon.

Before we reached the parking lot, however, the rain fell heavy and cold over our warm bodies. When we got to the car, we were soaking wet and feeling very cold. I turned the heat on and got rid of the wet shirt and shoes.

Then we saw him, standing by the gate and backgrounded by the heavy rain falling down…

***


sábado, 30 de março de 2019

One More Night (Part 3)



Κι αν ρωτήσεις πώς περνάω  … (And if you ask me how I am doing
θα σου πω δυο ψέματα                I will tell you two lies
ένα πως δε σ' αγαπάω                One that I do not love you
κι ένα πως σε ξέχασα (*)           And the other that I’ve forgotten you)…

(*) Dyo Psemata (δυο ψέματα): Antonis Remos

- Do you still remember?

- Of course I do. Some things just cannot be erased from our memories, can they?

- I guess not.

- And those words were so true.

- Against my will. I’m so sorry.

- What for?

He looked at me as if to say the most important and revealing thing in his life, but said nothing. That was the opportunity of a lifetime and if missed there would never be another one. He lowered his eyes.

I shook my head, frustrated. Feeling completely distressed I walked off to the seashore. I needed some “me-time” and to breath some fresh air freely and all by myself.

I felt too small facing the immense and menacing vastness of the ocean. The conflict in my mind was as scary as was everything around me. I was not sure if I was feeling anger or the urge to hug him and ended everything that separated us from each other, but that absence of positive attitude made me refrain from doing anything, so I decided I should not keep false expectations. Maybe that story had gone too far and ended after all, in spite of my poorly nourished hope.

I closed my eyes and inhaled the saline and iodate air of the ocean roaring in front of me. That filled my lungs and my spirit with such a good sensation, I could almost go back to my past and bring good memories to feed my aching soul.

I acknowledged that being alive was reason enough to be grateful regardless of all the things I had gone through. I had my gorgeous daughter and she was even more precious to me than my own life. I realized I had sowed quite a good amount of profitable seeds and I should be happy with what I had reaped. 

I took another deep breath and turned around. It was time to go back and take care of my own life…

***

The night was nice and fresh. The door to the balcony was open so to allow the breeze to blow through the house. I sat at the piano and started singing the same song that moved me so much. That time I was redeemed. That sorrow that filled my soul was an old comrade, but did not have the same effect on me anymore. I could look at it from a distance and move forward, although the scar would still be there to remind me of my past.

 She sat by my side and followed me on the harmony and vocals.

…” They say that love can move a mountain
      They say love can break your heart 
      They say love can make you forget 
      Things that happened in the past
      For I've tasted your love and
      I need to taste some more 
      So wave goodbye to heaven for me
      I've thrown it all away 
      Just to spend one more night with you”
…  (*)

      (*) One more night with you: Ged McMahon

- This is quite a sad thing, isn’t it?

- It is indeed. But I don’t want to complain. It’s not fair.

- She lay her head on my shoulder, while I was touching the keyboard so lightly it felt like a respectful caress. I sensed the anguish coming up to my throat and I could not sing or talk anymore. Two tears rolled down my face while my body shuddered as if convulsing.

She embraced me and, with her head in my chest, wept with me in the centre of the living room which seemed as immense as the ocean outside. 

***

A gentle breeze was blowing from the sea, bringing that familiar air into my nostrils. It was early spring and I felt lazy in the comfort of the deck chair. I stretched my legs and closed my eyes. The afternoon sun was shining bright, warm enough to be enjoyed at its full. I felt like photosynthesising. My baby daughter was sleeping soundly in the pushchair at my side, duly sheltered from the sun and the wind.   

It seemed a dark cloud covered the sun for a moment. I opened my eyes and noticed I there was a silhouette of a man between me and the sun.

- I’m sorry.

- What?

- I didn’t want to disturb, but the baby woke up and was a little uneasy so I thought it would be a good idea to check if she was OK. It seemed to me that you’ve fallen asleep. Do you want me to bring you anything?

The baby was just looking at me with her big green eyes, but without any sound. I must have fallen asleep for a while and did not hear her waking up, which was not usual. Either I was very tired or too relaxed not to notice something like that.

- Ah… no, thanks. I’m alright.

I got up and looked for the baby water bottle in the backpack. The water was warm, for being exposed to the direct sun.

- Thinking better, I will need a bottle of fresh water, please. This is beyond the acceptable temperature.

- I’ll ask the waitress to bring one. Would you like a cup of coffee too?

- Good idea. I guess I’ll need one. Thanks.

I wondered the reason why he was so nice to me, beyond what was expected by a normal customer. It was pleasant, of course, but I was not used to that kind of things.

The waitress brought the water and two cups of coffee and laid them down on the table. I looked at her, astounded, but I soon realized why so. The manager came and sat with me, showing some assumed familiarity and said.

- I hope I’m not being too pushy if I sit here with you for a while.

- Of course not. Feel at ease.

- I really love this time of the day. It’s so calm and peaceful and I simply love this light and the colours. It feels like the world stops turning for a moment just so we can savour a strong and aromatic coffee.

I looked at him overwhelmed not only by the light poetry of what he said, but also by the way he expressed himself so freely, fluently and confidently.

He smiled.

- What? Did I say anything wrong?

- No. Not really. On the contrary. It was very well said.

- So?

- I was not expecting it from you… just that…

He pretended not to feel amused by having me surprised and sipped his coffee, very calmly and looking at the sea lazily stretching its arms out over the white and fine sand. I pretended to be checking the girl but noticed he laughed quietly.

- May I ask you a question?

He laughed.

- You can, but I might not answer.

Wise guy. He was using my speech.

- Why do you treat me like that?

- Like what?

- Being so kind and showing this gentle familiarity without being pushy or too intimate. I am just a customer. 

- Perhaps not. I’m a man used to living alone and I can make out a similar fellow when I see one. You’re always here alone with your baby girl but never among friends. Don’t you feel lonely?

- Not really. I guess I have always been like this, introverted and busy with my own things instead of being among lots of people.

- I understand. Don’t you miss being with someone?

I ran away from the question.

- Oh. I have someone and she is adorable.

He chuckled.

- Well, I do. Although I have always been a man of short-time affairs, I miss being with someone sometimes.

- Funny. We have never talked about this before.

- I know. It’s a proof of some trust isn’t it?

- I believe so. And would you tell me why have you only had short-term affairs?

- I think I take too long to have faith in people. I’ve been through some situations and lost confidence and trust in most…

The sentence was left unfinished leaving space for imagination and questioning.

- I think I’m also like that. We are so similar.

- I see. What a pair!

He raised the cup and said, smiling:

- A toast to the loners!

- A toast to the loners!

I had not noticed before that there was music playing from the loudspeakers on top of the porch. The song was an old one which was very familiar to me. I felt like singing the chorus.

Κι αν ρωτήσεις πώς περνάω   (Ki an ro̱tí̱seis pó̱s pernáo̱)  (And if you ask me how I am doing
θα σου πω δυο ψέματα            (ha sou po̱ dyo psémata)    I will tell you two lies
ένα πως δε σ' αγαπάω              (éna po̱s de s ' agapáo̱)      One that I do not love you
κι ένα πως σε ξέχασα (*)          (ki éna po̱s se xéchasa)      And the other that I’ve forgotten you)

(**) Dyo Psemata (δυο ψέματα): Antonis Remos

- Do you know this song?

- I surely do but I’d never expect to hear it right here. It’s an old Greek song…

- Do you know the meaning of the lyrics?

- As a matter of fact, I do. It’s such a sad song, in my opinion.

He looked at me, serious. Then he said something that caught me in surprise.

- It is, indeed. But I would never want a thing like that to happen to us.

***