Earworm (Final)

I could not hide how alarmed I looked when he came back out of the cellars of the old building all alone. He did not seem to be surprised in seeing me standing there, watching the gondola coming to my direction. He jumped out of the boat and approached me, smiling lightly.

In my confusion, I could not smile back at him. One thing only was disturbing my mind and I could not think of anything else but saying:

- Who are you? Where is she?

- Don’t panic, please. I can explain.

He reached out to touch me. I stepped back.

- Don’t. Just don’t…

- Please don’t be afraid. I owe you this explanation, at least. Even knowing this might shock you and keep you away from me, I need to tell you what is going on.

I was scared... very scared. I did not know if I really wanted to know what he was going to tell me, but he was right. It was time to put an end to that mystery for once.

‘Oh, my sweet Lord! I need to be so brave now! Cool down… cool down…’

- Tell me, then. I’ve had enough of this mystery... In fact, I’ve had enough of all this non-sense.

He opened his mouth to start talking, but then the loud and desperate sound of the siren of the emergency medical service brigade broke the tense scene off. As we looked at the other end of the Grand Canal, we saw the yellow and orange ‘Ambulanza’ boat speeding up to our direction. They were flashing the colourful lights and blaring their way open on the opposite side, sweeping the other boats and gondolas away at their passage. It was certainly an emergency call.

- Let’s see what is happening. They are going in the direction of the trattoria. Jump in. Quick!

There was a big fuss around the place, with people running to one direction only. I jumped off the gondola and tried to come closer and see what it was. The ambulance paramedics were working on the curb of the ‘Calle Larga’ and lots of curious people were standing and talking about the old beggar woman who passed away, sitting by the sun, on the place she used to stay. The plastic bags were still there, sitting on the ground. The shawl, however, was not beside her. Not surprisingly I was still holding it in my hands. I looked at her face when they moved her and put her in the back of the ambulance and noticed her expression was of sheer tranquillity. I could not believe my eyes. I saw her going happily to the Canal just a few minutes before all alive and walking by his side.

There was no time for her to come back. How did she? How could she?

I asked someone what time it happened, and someone told me the woman was like sleeping, and nobody noticed until she fell ahead, unconscious, with her face hitting the ground. Then a passer-by woman shouted at the sight of the unconscious beggar lady and then the whole confusion began. That was early in the afternoon.

I tried to get even closer, but the security man did not allow me to do so. Then I said I had her shawl and wanted to return it. He looked at me with a funny face, as if he was doubting me, but finally allowed me to get in, when he saw the garment I showed him. I came closer and put the woollen scarf over her body, as if to protect her from the chilly weather. I could feel she was quite cold and probably dead for some time already.

But how…?

That was simply unlikely to have happened. That made no sense at all.  How could that be possible?

I looked around. He was not there. Where did he go?

***

He did not come back home that night. I got a text message, plain and direct, telling me he would have to sort something out and that he was not sure he would come back that night, that he was ok and that I should not worry.

As if I only could…

My mind was filled with dark thoughts, suspicion and anxiety. I had so many unanswered questions I could burst from inside out. I wanted answers. I needed answers. But most of all, I asked myself if I was ready for the answers I could have and that made me even more distressed. There were so many ‘what-ifs’ that I could not even fall sleep. My head was aching. But then exhaustion overcame my concern and my will and I fell asleep.

***

The gondola floated smoothly on the dusky waters of the channel, in the cold cellars of the old building. The old passenger sat in silence on the back of the boat, with his eyes fixed ahead, trying to see a trace of light sparkling in the dense darkness.

The echoes of the rowing oar striking the water was the only sound they could hear, while the trip lasted. The boat seemed to go on a curve and then they saw a hint of light flickering on the walls ahead. They were close. The old passenger felt a strange emotion hitting his stomach from inside. He was not afraid. He was ready… why would he be frightened? He closed his eyes.

The scent of French oak and stored aging wine filled his nostrils up with an unusual pleasure. He simply loved that smell. It reminded him of his younger times, when his soul was free and undaunted. His memory went back to the occasion when he was with his best friend in the wine cellars, the smiles, the subtle touching, the pretending they were paying full attention to the guide, when they were feeling the yearning, longing to be together again, and finally the wine tasting and the laughter, to end up in bed some minutes later, like teenagers rediscovering sex and love… He almost felt his body reacting to his lusty reminiscences.

He took a deep breath, feeling kind of emotional about his whole life, but suddenly straightened up again. There was no time for that nostalgia anymore.

The boat slowed down and finally came to a halt. The gondolier jumped out, tied it up and held out his hand to the passenger, who laid his arthritic fingers in the younger man’s palm. He did not smile. He simply looked at the other man’s face and firmly stepped out. The boat driver helped him out with a serious, but very kind expression on his face, showing there was no need to be afraid. The old passenger stood at the dock and waited. From where they were, they could hear the sound of sirens very far away, almost inaudible, but continuously. The two men exchanged their looks as another character walked out from the shadow he was hiding. His angular face was veiled by the wide brimmed hat and his thin muscular body covered by the dark cloak he was wearing.

- You must follow alone from this point on.

- I know.

***

I heard the door opening and then closing as he entered. It was late in the evening, but I was still awake. It was another sleepless night.  My heart was as restless as was my whole mind and soul.

I just wanted… I really did not know what I wanted anymore…

I was upset. I was angry. I was scared. I was feeling everything at the same time and my emotions were all mixed up and messed up. I wanted either to die or to kill…

- I did not expect you to be awake.

- What did you expect after all?

- I don’t if I know…

- Well, you know everything…

- Don’t be like that. You know that’s not true.

- I don’t think I know anything at all anymore. I’m here, all alone with my thoughts and fears and all this confusion in my mind. Where have you been? What have you done to me? You are stuck in my mind like an earworm and won’t leave me alone and in peace. And in the end, I don’t even know if I want you to leave me alone… I just want to feel safe and loved and alive…

I started crying. He came closer and held me. I wept like I was in such an unbearable pain. He kept his silence, respecting the agony my soul was in. And I was so afraid…

- I can feel your pain and I can feel your fear. Please don’t be frightened… There is nothing to be afraid of.

- How do I know?

- Trust me.

- How can I?

- A leap of faith?

- You’re always pushing me. I have given too much already. What have you given me?

I regretted saying that as soon as my words came out. The things we say when we are angry and anguished…

His face was serious. His eyes were distant. I knew that look very well.

- I’m sorry. I should not have said that. Forgive me, please. I’m out of control. Forgive me, please.

- You know I have tried to protect you…

- From what, for heaven’s sake?

- Do you remember the first time I asked you to take a leap of faith?

- Of course. I was so scared, but faced it, thanks to you…

 - Indeed. That was the first step. I wanted you to trust me and you did. Sex, as love, is more than just pleasure. It is about trust as well and it’s like dying and coming back to life again… Do you remember the second time I asked you to take another leap of faith?

- The day I fainted… yes…

- You did not faint.

- What do you mean? I fainted for sure… and I had that strange dream…

He took my hand and smiled kindly.

- You did not faint at all.

- You’re scaring me to death again.

He looked at my face, touched it lightly and said:

- I know, but that’s not what’s important now. Maybe it’s time to tell you the whole truth now.

I felt a sting in my chest. That was what I needed most, and I was so afraid of what he would tell me, at last.

‘Oh, sweetest! What do I do now?’

- Come with me. The Canal must be pretty quiet by now. It’s late and no one is working on the gondolas at this time of the evening. I’ll take you for the ride of truth… Your last leap of faith.

***

I followed him in silence through the dark streets to the Canal. He helped me in the gondola and we travelled in silence until we saw the old building and its passageway to the cellars. My heart was beating so fast, I could not even hear the sound of the rowing oar hitting the dark and silent waters. It was like in my dream, but it was not a dream anymore and I was so frightened… He did not look at me. Even if he did, I would not know, so dark it was. When we saw a hint of light ahead and the reflex of the waters dancing on the walls, my stomach hurt.

The boat was going slowly until it hit a small dock and he jumped out, mooring the rope to a metal bollard. He waited for me to get up and helped me out of the gondola, seriously, but kindly. If he could really read my mind, he would know how I was feeling.

He never asked me anything, just led me to the dock and stood by my side. An almost inaudible sound came from the darkness ahead and it was only then I noticed we were not alone.

The character that entered had a wide brimmed hat and his muscular body was covered by a dark cloak that went down to his ankles. His angular face was almost hidden by the shadow of the hat, but I could see he was very pale, although quite handsome.

He lifted his hand and with the palm facing up, reached out to me without touching me. Almost unconsciously, as in a trance, I stretched my hand, reaching out to touch his, but I was stopped in the middle of the way by my gondolier lover.

- No. Not yet… There is something I have to say first.

The other man turned to him and said, trying to contain his rage:

- This is not how it works, and you know that.

- This is how THIS works in this case. It’s either this or nothing.

- How do you dare? You work for me. You bring me the souls of the dying and you're not allowed to question the consequences. You know what will happen if you fail to deliver them…

- I do and I’m ready to face the consequences. If you want one soul now, then you must take me instead.

- I have yours already.

- Not completely. I am entitled to bring you the ones who are going to the other side, but this time I can’t do that.

- You can’t fight me. You know I can take you anytime to the other side. Not only you… that one too!

- Yes. I know. I just need to explain everything, and I need more time to do so. Please.

He had changed his approach, as if pleading. He was no longer the brave man facing his fears, but a negotiator, trying to gain some time from a powerful master…

- I see clearly now. You’re in love. You know how dangerous that is. You know how ill that lover of yours is… Nothing can change that. There is no more time to buy.

- There is one thing only...

Then the other man took my lover aside and they started arguing about something I could not clearly define what it was. For some reason, I could not hear what they were saying. The sounds seemed so unintelligible to me. 

When they came back, I felt my heart would burst. Then the man wearing the hat touched my face… and all the lights suddenly disappeared.

***

- I will be in the music you'll hear and that makes you sing, laugh or cry. I will be in the wind that caresses your face and body when you walk.  I'll be in the soul of the Canal... I'm giving my life away, so you can live. He wants one soul. He'll get mine...

- No. I cannot accept that.

- You have no choice. You’re no longer ill. You will not have those blackouts anymore… I traded everything I had for more time for you. But I’ve lost everything else and I still have to pay my part.

  

- I don’t want you to go back to him. There’s got to be a way.

- He will find me anywhere and anyway. I have no escape. This is how things are when Charon wants them. He always gets what he wants...

***

He was no angel. He was no devil. He was the one who traded everything he had... He sacrificed his body and soul away for love. He was taken in my place to the other side... forever... 

He is still in my mind, however, like an earworm, insistently playing. 

“Not really sure how to feel about it

Something in the way you move

Makes me feel like I can't live without you

It takes me all the way

I want you to stay… I want you to stay.” *

***

* From Rihanna's 'Stay'

Preso na Mente (Parte 2)

- Tu és um anjo?

- Na verdade, não...

- Então?

- Estou aqui para ajudar-te...

- Em quê?

- Em ir para o outro lado…

- Assim me estás assustando.

- Por favor, não tenha medo. Tudo vai ficar bem.

- Agora é que estou com muito medo, mesmo. Isso é de loucos...

- Um salto de fé?

- Outro?

Ele riu. Engraçado, como seu sorriso me fazia sentir tão bem e segura. Algo em minha mente dizia que eu poderia confiar nele. Ao observar aquela bondade claramente expressa em sua face atraente, não sei por qual razão, minhas pernas enfraqueceram e senti que precisava sentar-me. Ele apenas segurou minha mão. Minha vista escureceu. Minha mente ficou vazia. Então eu apaguei... Ou foi todo o resto que desapareceu?

***

- Venha comigo. O canal deve estar bastante quieto agora. É tarde e ninguém trabalha nas gôndolas à esta hora da noite. Vou levá-la para o outro lado...

Ele escolheu uma noite de lua nova, com muita sabedoria. Estava demasiadamente escuro, sem a lua a brilhar no céu. Eu podia ver as estrelas cintilando acima de nossas cabeças, mas não podíamos ver muito adiante de nossos olhos. Senti sua mão quente e firme a segurar a minha. Por uma razão estranha, meu coração estava ardendo, apesar de a noite estar fresca, quase fria. Eu estava sendo habilmente conduzida por ele, noite adentro, através das águas um tanto turvas e silenciosas do canal. As luzes da cidade haviam ficado atrás de nós e o barco seguia para o lado mais escuro do lugar. Eu me sentia cansada, mas estava apreensiva ao mesmo tempo. Não conseguia fechar os olhos, mesmo que fosse por um segundo sequer.

Eu confiava nele e em suas habilidades... Tinha que confiar. Ele conduziu a embarcação por uma entrada que levava pelos porões de um conjunto muito antigo de prédios. De repente, todas as luzes desapareceram e eu só podia ouvir o som intermitente do remo, a bater suavemente na água que nos rodeava. Quase perdi o controlo e segurei-me ao lado do barco, com as duas mãos. Senti que estávamos avançando, porque uma suave e fresca brisa soprava contra meu rosto. Ele estava em silêncio e eu também, mais pelo medo, do que pela consciência, mantendo meus ouvidos em alerta total.

- Onde estamos?

- Shh... Não se preocupe. Confie em mim. Estamos quase lá.

- Lá? Onde?

Ele nunca respondeu. O silêncio era quase insuportável. Desisti e fiquei com a boca fechada, naquela estranha viagem, por uma via totalmente desprovida de luz, até que vi uma luminescência muito pálida, a flamejar bem à frente, como se a bruxulear sua mistura de estranhas sombras, nas paredes cobertas de limo e caruncho. Meu coração batia tão rápido, que eu pensei que ia ter um colapso. Minha mente estava completamente inquieta e eu sentia calafrios, subindo e descendo pela minha coluna. Meus pensamentos se tornaram um, gritando, na minha cabeça, aquele estado anormal e evidente de pavor.

"Oh, Deus! Estou tão terrivelmente assustada agora."

E, então, a situação ficou ainda pior, quando o ouvi dizer:

- Não fiques. Não tens razão para ter medo.

Ele fez aquilo novamente. Como ele poderia saber o que eu estava pensando? Perguntei se eu, algum dia, saberia.

Então ele desacelerou o barco e atracou, pulando rapidamente para uma espécie de minúsculo atracadouro e me ajudando a sair, para o terreno firme. Sua mão estava quente, mas a minha, ao contrário, estava extremamente fria.

E então ele sorriu para mim. Por algum inexplicável motivo, em vez de me sentir segura, senti-me ainda mais assustada, que já estava. Qual seria a sua intenção? Por que aquele estranho sorriso?

Meu coração deu uma outra batida em falso. E, então…

***

- O que é que foi isso?

- Um sonho, eu acho...

- Tu achas? Tu sabes bem o que foi...

Ele apenas sorriu, como se soubesse mais do que realmente dizia.

- Isso é loucura. O que estás fazendo comigo? Estou apavorada.

- Essa não é minha intenção, minha cara. De modo nenhum. Estou apenas te preparando.

- Lá vem aquela conversa de preparação, novamente. Por que tu não dizes tudo? Estou ficando cansada disso...

Ele simplesmente respondeu, da maneira mais calma que podia.

- Já falamos sobre isso.

- Sim, já, mas isso não me faz sentir melhor.

Ele ficou a me olhar, fixamente. Sua expressão era impossível de traduzir. Minha mente vagou no tempo.

***

- Uma razão?

- Saberás, quando o tempo for devido.

- E acho que não vais-me dizer mais nada sobre isso, de antemão...

- Como eu disse, no seu devido tempo, minha cara... Só então...

- Isso é muito irritante, sabias disso? E é um bocado assustador...

- Tu não vais-te machucar. Não tenhas medo.

- Machucar? É essa a tua preocupação?

- Principalmente...

Dei-lhe um soco no braço, tentando machucá-lo, mas, daquela vez, de verdade.

- Ouch!

Ele segurou minha mão, beijou-a e abraçou-me, rindo da minha torpe tentativa de prejudicá-lo.

- Tu vais ficar bem.

Eu sentia que ele estava-me tentando proteger, mas não conseguia definir do que... ou de quem.... Então fechei os olhos e me aconcheguei no seu peito. Ele tocou meu rosto, tão levemente, que imaginei flocos de neve pousando na minha pele, mas com a sensação de que eram muito mais cálidos...

***

- Tive aquele sonho novamente.

- Ah, foi?

Ele estava sorrindo. Perguntei-me o que aquele sorriso maroto poderia significar. Ele sabia. Eu sabia que ele sabia. Ele sabia exatamente o que estava acontecendo na minha mente... como sempre…

- Por que essa carinha engraçada?

- Tu não sabes tudo? Adivinha.

- Eu não sei tudo. A tua impressão a meu respeito está muito longe da realidade.

- Não está. Tu és sempre tão misterioso e reticente. Me confundes e, então, ris de mim, sem qualquer explicação real... e eu me pergunto onde isso me possa levar, mas suponho que tu não vais-me dizer agora...

- Talvez… um dia…

***

- Conta-me teus segredos... mesmo os mais sombrios... Podes confiar em mim.

- Só se me contares os teus...

Ele simplesmente sorriu, fingindo que estava derrotado. Claro que ele nunca me contaria nenhum dos seus segredos mais secretos. Se realmente pudesse ler minha mente, sabia que muitas das minhas feridas, não reveladas, ainda estavam vulneráveis, para todos os efeitos. Ele poderia tocá-las e me machucar ou, por outro lado, me curar. Era sua opção e sua decisão. Ele tinha-me completamente em suas mãos.

E aquelas mãos... oh, Deus... Aquelas mãos eram tão carinhosas. Seu toque era tão perfeito, a seguir, vagarosamente, as curvas do meu corpo, como se quisesse decorar todas as linhas, na sua mente complexa. Seus lábios roçaram os meus, depois o meu pescoço, meu peito e meu estômago. Ele então desceu pela minha pele, causando-me arrepios, enquanto abria seu caminho com os lábios, a beijar-me suavemente e a segurar meu corpo, firmemente, em suas mãos quentes, como se quisesse certificar-se que eu não iria fugir de suas carícias...

Até parece que, por algum descabido motivo, eu ia, mesmo, tentar fugir...

Como eu poderia pensar em mais alguma coisa, além do prazer, quando estava sendo tocada e mimada daquele jeito? Eu poderia ficar viciada naquilo e nele, a qualquer hora e de qualquer maneira.

Não. Na verdade, não poderia. O caso condicional, aqui, já não podia ser aplicado. Já era tarde demais para isso.

Pensando de forma absolutamente clara, na verdade, eu já estava completamente dependente da presença dele.

Ele poderia fazer qualquer coisa que quisesse e tirar qualquer coisa de mim, que eu certamente me entregaria, sem qualquer sinal de luta. Ele era meu amante e dominava a arte da sedução, fazendo-me esquecer tudo o mais, quando estávamos juntos. O mundo poderia girar sem nós, por uma noite inteira ou mais, se ele quisesse. Eu era um brinquedo em suas mãos, aceitando abertamente o que poderia tirar dele, como se fosse a última coisa que eu conseguisse fazer na minha vida... Então ele poderia assumir todo o controle e me fazer ir para o Céu ou para o Inferno, em segundos, até o mundo inteiro explodir em mim e eu cair das alturas, agarrada ao seu corpo e alma, como se fossemos apenas um.

Cansados e felizes, nós adormeceríamos nos braços um do outro, dormindo juntos e sonhando sonhos separados.

***

- Eu tenho que ir agora.

- Mas ainda é cedo...

- Eu sei e, realmente, não quero sair, mas tenho que ir.

- Eu queria que tu pudesses ficar um pouco mais.

- Não vou-me atrasar esta noite. Eu prometo.

Seus olhos, então, vagaram para longe. Eu conhecia aquele olhar. Meu corpo reagiu imediatamente, ficando tenso e estremecendo um pouco.

- Isso não é um adeus. É apenas um "até depois"...

- Eu sei disso…

Ele sentou-se na beira da cama. Meus olhos tentavam memorizar as linhas de suas costas e braços, enquanto ele lentamente se vestia e preparava-se para sair. Eu estava ocupada a observar seus movimentos quase felinos, ainda impressionada e encantada, depois de tanto tempo juntos, pelo jeito que ele se movia. Ele era surpreendente, no mais belo sentido da palavra. Não só era bonito, mas também muito masculino. Adorava o jeito que ele se cuidava e mantinha seu forte corpo em boa forma.

Ele saiu alguns minutos depois. Eu ainda tinha cerca de uma hora antes da minha hora de levantar, então, simplesmente, rolei para o lado e adormeci, por mais um tempo.

***

Eu caminhava, depois do almoço, perto do Canal, meio desejando que pudesse vê-lo, mas sabia que seria apenas um desejo, pois sua agenda era pouco rígida e nada previsível. Como a alta temporada estava quase terminada, o negócio ainda dependia dos grupos de turistas, que se alinhavam no cais, para dar voltas pelos meandros da cidade. O tempo vinha esfriando e o número de clientes diminuía todos os dias. Já estávamos no meio do outono.

O ar estava mais fresco, perto do canal e a maioria dos mendigos evitava aqueles pontos, embora necessitassem manter-se, sempre, perto dos restaurantes e das ruas mais movimentadas.

Uma velha senhora, que eu costumava ver perto da trattoria, estava sentada na calçada, recostada na parede, tomando um pouco de sol. Parecia estar dormindo, calmamente, e aquecida pelos raios quase pálidos do início da tarde. Por algum motivo, continuei a observá-la, por um tempo. Seu corpo se inclinou um pouco para a frente, como se realmente adormecesse, no local supostamente aquecido, onde ela se encontrava tão confortavelmente aninhada.

Acho que eu era a única pessoa a olhar para aquela criatura. É engraçado que, com o passar do tempo, os mendigos se transformam em pessoas totalmente invisíveis à grande maioria dos transeuntes, como se, nem ao menos, estivessem lá ou se não existissem.

Entrei na trattoria e pedi uma xícara de café, depois de sentar-me junto à janela. A velha mendiga ainda estava lá, na mesma posição, inclinada um pouco para a frente, sentada ao sol. Minha mente estava quase vazia. Eu apenas observava o movimento das pessoas e a velha senhora.

Então, uma silhueta conhecida apareceu, de não sei onde e parou perto dela. Meus olhos se iluminaram e já estava pronta para me levantar e sair, quando o empregado trouxe meu café. Quando pude voltar minha atenção para fora da janela, novamente, vi que o homem estendia, num gesto convidativo, a mão para a mulher que, já acordada, colocava seus dedos enrugados na palma da jovem e forte mão, para poder levantar. Ele a ajudou a ficar de pé e os dois seguiram o percurso, caminhando lado a lado, a passos decididos. Pareciam manter o silêncio, enquanto se afastavam do meu campo de visão.

Eu decidi segui-los, apenas para ver o que ele estava fazendo. Era uma mistura de gentileza, mas, ao mesmo tempo, muito intrigante. Quando eu saí pela porta, notei que o lugar onde a mulher esteve sentada, alguns minutos antes, parecia tão intacto, como se ela ainda estivesse por perto. Suas poucas sacolas de plástico e um velho xale de lã cinza e vermelho ainda estavam lá. Parecia que o tempo havia congelado. Pensei que havia algo errado, por isso peguei o xale em minhas mãos e me afastei com passos rápidos, tentando alcançá-los, mesmo sabendo que tinha poucas hipóteses de conseguir.

Não os avistei na rua à frente, mas segui meu coração e a rota que eu achava que eles tomariam, indo na direcção do Canal. Para variar, eu estava certa. Quando virei a esquina, vi que ele a estava ajudando a entrar na gôndola. Estavam sozinhos. Eu não vi a fila habitual de turistas, no cais. Ela sentou-se calmamente na parte de trás da gôndola e eles saíram a navegar pelo Canal, antes que eu pudesse alcançá-los. Não gritei, pois sabia que ele não iria ouvir-me, de qualquer maneira.

Decidi segui-los o máximo que pude, mesmo sabendo que não fazia muito sentido. Meu coração batia muito rápido. Minha mente estava incomodada. Segui a gôndola por muitas ruas, tentando estar tão perto quanto possível.

De repente, eles saíram da via principal e entraram por um dos braços mais estreitos do Grande Canal.

Enquanto o barco seguia, percebi que o lugar ficava cada vez mais silencioso. Em minha mente, eu reconhecia o lugar. O barco atravessou uma passagem e eles entraram pelos porões de um prédio muito antigo. Tive a impressão que o vi virar-se e olhar na minha direção, mas não tinha certeza de que aquilo realmente aconteceu ou se eu simplesmente imaginei. Meu sangue congelou. Então, eles desapareceram nas sombras.

Eu não conseguiria segui-los mais, mas reconheci que aquele era o mesmo lugar com o qual eu vinha sonhando, por várias noites.

Meu coração deu um salto... ou, talvez, dois.

‘Por Deus! O que ele estava fazendo?’

E eu? O que eu estava fazendo, afinal?

***

Earworm (Part 2)

- Are you an angel?

- No. Not really…

- Then?

- I am here to help you make it through…

- Make it through?

- To the other… Side…

- You’re scaring me.

- Please, don’t be afraid. You will be alright.

- Now I’m really scared. This is getting insane…

- A leap of faith?

- Another one?

He smiled. Funny how his smile made me feel so good and safe. Something in my mind was telling me I should trust him. He kept on looking at me with that kindness clearly shown in his eyes. My legs went weak and I felt I needed to sit. He just held my hand. My sight went black. My mind went blank. Then I disappeared… or everything else did…

***

- Come with me. The Canal must be pretty quiet by now. It’s late and no one is working on the gondolas at this time of the evening. I’ll take you to the other side…

The night was pitch dark, with no moon shining in the sky. He chose a new moon night very wisely. I could see the stars glittering way above our heads, but could not see much beyond our eyes. His hand was clenched in mine. His grasp was warm and firm. For a strange reason, my heart was blazing, in spite of the night being fresh, almost cold. I was being conducted by him through the night, skilfully through the dark waters of the silent canal. The lights of the town were behind us and he was leading the boat to the foggy side of the place. I felt tired, but was apprehensive at the same time, so I could not close my eyes for a second.

I trusted him and his abilities… I had to… but then he led the boat through the cellars of a very old building. Suddenly all the lights disappeared and I could only hear the sound of the rowing oar softly hitting the water around us. I lost his grip and held the side of the boat with both hands. I felt we were moving forward and a gentle e fresh breeze was still blowing on my face. He was silent and so was I, more for fear than for consciousness, keeping my ears in complete alertness.

- Where are we?

- Shush. Don’t worry. Trust me. We’re almost there.

- There? Where?

He never responded. The silence was almost unbearable. I gave up and kept my mouth apprehensively shut along that strange trip in the dark cellars, until I saw the very pale light that was shimmering right ahead. My heart was pounding so fast I thought I was going to have a breakdown. My mind was completely uneasy and I felt shivers going up and down my spine. My thoughts became one, shouting in my mind that abnormal state of dread.

“Oh, God! I’m so undeniably scared now.”

And then it got even worse when I heard him say:

- Don’t be. There is nothing to be scared of.

He did that again. How could he know what I was thinking? I wondered if I would ever know.

Then he slowed the boat down and docked, jumping quickly to the path and helping me to step off to the firm terrain. His hand was warm and mine was terribly cold.

And then he smiled at me. For a strange reason, instead of feeling safe, I felt scared. What would his intention be? Why that strange smile?

My heart missed another beat. Then…

***

- What was that?

- A dream, I guess…

- You guess? You know what it was…

He just smiled, as if he knew more than he was actually saying.

- Man, this is crazy. What are doing to me? You’re scaring me to death.

- That’s not my intention whatsoever, my dearest. Not at all. I’m just preparing you.

- That ‘I’m preparing you’ thing again. Why don’t you say it all? I’m getting tired of this…

He simply responded the most soothing way he could.

- We have already spoken about this.

- Yes, we have, but that does not make me feel better.

My mind wandered in time.

***

- A reason?

- You will know when the time is due.

- And I guess I won’t know anything else about it beforehand…

- As I said, when the time is due, my dear… only then…

- This is pretty annoying, did you know that? And it is a bit scary…

- You won’t be hurt. Don’t worry.

- Hurt? Is that your concern?

- Mainly…

I punched his arm, trying to hurt him badly.

- Ouch!

But he just held my hand, kissed it and embraced me, laughing at my clumsy attempt to harm him.

- You will be alright.

For a strange reason, I felt he was trying to protect me, but could not define of what… or who… so I closed my eyes and snuggled in his chest. He touched my face so lightly, I thought of snowflakes brushing my skin, but so much warmer…

***

- I had that dream again.

- Did you?

He was smiling. I wondered what that crafty smile could mean. He knew it. I knew he knew it. He knew exactly what was going on in my mind… always.

- Why this funny look?

- You know everything. Guess it.

- I don’t know everything. Your impression of me is too far from reality.

- It is not. You’ve always been so mysterious and reticent. You get me confused and then you laugh at me, without any real explanation… and I wonder where this is going to take me, but I suppose you won’t tell me now…

- Maybe one day…

***

- Tell me your secrets… even the darkest ones… you can trust me.

- If you tell me yours…

He simply smiled, pretending he was kind of defeated. He would never tell me any of his hidden secrets. If he could really read my mind, many of my undisclosed wounds were still vulnerable, as far as I was concerned. He could touch them and either hurt me or heal me. It was his option or his call. He had me entirely in his hands.

And those hands… oh, God… they were so caring. His touch was so perfectly endearing, drawing his way around the curves of my body. His lips brushed on mine, then on my neck, my chest and my stomach. He then went down my tickling skin, giving me goose bumps as he kissed his way over it and holding my body firmly in his warm hands, as if to assure I would not fly away from his caresses… as if I would ever try to…

How could I think of anything else, but pleasure, when I was being touched and pampered like that? I could get addicted to that and to him, anytime and anyway.

No. In fact, I could not. The conditional case, here, should not be applied anymore. It was too late for that.

Thinking clearly and plainly, I was actually already addicted to him.

He could do anything he wanted to and take anything from me and I would certainly indulge without any sign of struggle. He was my lover and he mastered the art of seduction, making me forget about everything else when we were together. The world could turn around without us for a whole night or longer, if he wanted to. I was a toy in his hands, accepting openly what I could take from him, as if it was the last thing I would do in my life… Then he would take whole control and make me go to Heaven or Hell in seconds, until the whole world exploded from me and I would fall from the heights, attached to his body and soul, as if we were just one. 

Weary and happy, we would then fall asleep in each other’s arms, sleeping together and dreaming separate dreams.

***

- I have to go now.

- But it’s still early…

- I know and I don’t really want to, but I must.

- I wish you could stay a little longer, sweet man.

- I’m not going to be late tonight. I promise.

His eyes, then, wondered away. I knew that look. My body reacted immediately, getting tense and I shivered a little.

- This is not a goodbye. It is just a ‘see you later’…

- I know that…

He sat on the bed side. My eyes were trying to memorize the lines of his back and arms, while he was slowly getting dressed and ready to leave. I was busy observing his almost catlike manoeuvres, still amazed and enchanted, after so long together, by the way he moved. He was astonishing, in the most beautiful sense of the word. He was not only handsome, but also very masculine. I loved the way he cared about himself and kept his strong body in good shape.

He left a few minutes later. I still had about an hour before my time to get up, so I simple rolled over and fell asleep for another while.

***

I was wondering around after lunch, close to the Canal, half wishing I could see him around, but I knew it would be just a wish, as his schedule was not rigid. It would depend on the tourists and the season was almost over, with the weather cooling down and the number of customers dwindling every day. It was already past mid-Autumn. The air was fresher by the channel and most of the beggars avoided those spots, but needed to be closer to the restaurants and the streets. 

An old woman I used to see by the trattoria was sitting on the walkway by the sun and with her back on the wall. She seemed to be sleeping calmly and warmed up by the light and almost too pale rays of the early afternoon. For some reason I kept on watching her. Her body leaned a bit forward, as if she really fell asleep in the warm spot where she was. I think I was the only person looking at her. It’s funny how old beggars turn into totally invisible people to the passers-by. 

I got into the trattoria and ordered a cup of coffee, then sat by the window. The old beggar lady was still there, in the same position, leaning a bit forward while sitting out in the sun. My mind was almost empty. I was just watching the movement of people and observing the old woman.

A known silhouette appeared from I don’t know where and stopped by her. My eyes brighten up and I was ready to get up and go outside when the waiter brought my coffee. When my attention was away from him and I looked out of the window again, I saw the man was stretching his hand out to the woman, who had woken up and put her wrinkled fingers inside the younger man’s palm, so to get up. He helped her standing up and the two followed the pathway, walking side by side. They seemed to keep silence, while they walked away from my sight. 

I decided I would follow them, just to see what he was doing. It was a mix of kindness, but at the same time very intriguing. As I walked out the door, I noticed the place where the woman was a few minutes back was as intact as if she was still around. Her few plastic bags and an old grey and red woollen shawl were still there. It seemed time had congealed, and I thought something was wrong, so I just got the shawl in my hands and walked away with quick steps, trying to reach them, as if I really could.

They could not be seen on the street ahead, but I followed my heart and the path I thought they would be taking, going to the direction of the Canal. For a change, I was right. By the time I turned the corner, I saw he was helping her into the gondola. They were alone, and I could not see the usual line of tourists forming up by the boat. She slowly sat on the back of the gondola and they travelled through the Canal, before I could reach them. I would not shout, as I knew he would not hear me anyway.

I decided to follow them for as far as I could, even knowing that would not make much sense. My heart was beating fast. My mind was uneasy. I followed the gondola for many streets, trying to be as close to them as possible.

Suddenly they left the Grand Canal and took one of the narrow streams. As the boat floated along, I noticed the place was quieter and quieter. In my mind I recognized the place. The boat went through a passageway and they got into the cellars of a very old building. I thought I saw him turning around and looking back at me, but I was not sure it really happened or if I just imagined it. I simply froze. Then, they disappeared into the shadows. 

I could not follow them anymore, but I recognized that was the same place I kept dreaming of.

My heart missed a beat... or even two.

What was he doing?

And me?… What was I doing?

***