Study in Sepia: Self-Portrait @ Seventeen Months Old

 

Of Sea and Men (Epilogue)

The opened door did not seem to be a good sign to the fisherman, who was still wary by the dream he had a few weeks before. He put his coat on and ran out of the door in a desperate rush. He could not even tell if his reaction was protective or defensive; if it were either a fear of losing or at the same time, of being alone...

He could hardly feel his feet trampling the soft wet sand nor could he sense the adrenaline running fast in his body, as he hastened along the beach, feeling the anguish upsurge exponentially within. In his mind, he could only think of the worse. And the worst was inconceivable to him at the time.

It was still dawning and the cool breeze, mixed with a dense fog, quite common at that time of the year, passed almost unnoticed by the man’s troubled mind, whose eyes, more carefully than his feet, scrutinized the waterfront with extreme and meticulous attention. The visibility was precarious due to the poor daylight and fog, but he was moved by a force which led him not to give up until he found the boy.

Up ahead, he discerned the outlined silhouette of his friend, sitting on a rock by the cliff. The mixed emotions of relief and urgency blended into his chest while he ran in that direction.

- You gave me such a huge fright, young man. I thought the worst had happened.

- I’m sorry for that. I had to think a little bit about everything that happened recently. Being here gives me a sense of security and broadens the horizons. I try to think outside the box... and it's not easy... My life will take a twist very soon and I have to make the right decisions.

- I see. We were caught in surprise, were we not?

- Certainly. It's all a little too fanciful to me right now and I have to think seriously about what to do.

- That night I told you I had a strange dream, I was quite apprehensive. I dreamed you were trying to commit suicide, drowning in the sea. I could not buy that story of the witness who saw you being assaulted and thrown into a car. When I saw that the door was open and you were not lying on the couch, I could only recall my dream... or nightmare... and think that it became real somehow. I confess I was afraid...

- Not so fast, my friend... I also had a very peculiar dream that night, you know...

The boy told him, in detail, the dream he had weeks before. The fisherman found it much more credible than the "evidence" informed by the police. In a way it kind of corroborated the presence of the man dressed in black.

- Do you think my memory, by some means, brought that fact to my mind? Or was it too coincidental?

- Anything is possible, my friend. Everything is possible in this story. I wish your memory recovered to end up with this mystery, but at the same time, I am afraid of what you'll remember and what will happen next. But you have to go ahead, no matter what you'll discover.

- Don’t be afraid. We will not stop being friends, regardless of what I will remember... I will not be able to shut my life down to what happened this time I am living on this island. I may be young... much younger than you, to tell the truth, but I am not ungrateful or stupid and do not take things for granted.

- I have never thought something in this regard, my friend. You know how much I care about you.

The boy looked at the man sitting next to him, facing the sea vastness and smiled. He patted the hand of his protector and said:

- Let's go back? We have much to do. The sea awaits us...

- You do not need to help me in the sea labours anymore. You know that.

- But I want to... one more time, at least. Tomorrow I must return to the mainland, and from then on, I do not know what will happen to me. But it's necessary to go on…

***

- I'm glad you came. Are you ready? We should go soon...

The man, dressed in black and wearing a very discreet but elegant dark blue silk tie with a small logo printed, possibly of the firm where he worked at, seemed to be in his early forties. He had the body shape of whom spent many hours in the gym and weight lifting. It would not be a surprise that he was also an expert in martial arts and personal defence or carry a gun on himself. After all, he was the head of security of a company whose founder’s bastard son had mysteriously disappeared, some time before, not long after his father recognize him as such.

The Chief of Security had come to the island on the morning ferry, along with the doctor and, like the week before, with a single interest: to bring the boy to the mainland and undergo a revolutionary new treatment for memory recovery, specially developed and designed for those people who had it lost in traumatic situations.

According to him, the young man had a Q.I. well above average and an immense sensory capacity, as well as an exceptional knack for investment analysis and a flair to work with computer programs. His skills had brought much profit to the company’s entrepreneurs and investors. For these and other reasons, it was interesting for the Administration to invest in his recovery and have him return to the business world as shortly as possible.

The deal was the boy be ready in a week’s time from the first visit of the chief of Security, who had been designated responsible for identifying the "survivor", who had been recognized by pamphlets that the police had distributed across the country. He was carrying documents and a series of photographs, that supported the authentication. When the boy came in, accompanied by the fisherman, he was showing documentary evidence to the doctor, who admitted they were very well supported and evident.

- I cannot recognize myself in these photos. That's not me. Or rather... that young man has nothing to do with me whatsoever. I am thinking of studying, graduate and make my life. I want to study Oceanography and deepen my IT knowledge, which seems to be my expertise. I want to associate the two fields in a career...

- You must come back to work with us. You'll have everything you want, supported by the firm and by your father. He anxiously waits for you. The company needs your services... and the sooner the better.

- But I do not want to go back to the company this way... I want to recover the memory, yes, but I have other plans. If the company does not want to invest in me in these terms - which is understandable - no problem. My life is no longer focused in that direction. I want to decide for myself...

- And how can you support this decision? You do not have financial conditions to do so. We can provide you everything you desire. At least until you can get enough to endure a change. Until then, you need a decent job. I do not think an old fishing boat can be your source of livelihood for a long time. Your father would never forgive you...

- I don't know the man you state as being my father. I don't know the company. I know nothing beyond the old fishing boat... which, after all, gave me all I have now... I don't want to go back to the life I had and of which I know nothing about, nor do I have any recollection whatsoever.

- I've come though this previously... Before you disappeared, you had already showed intentions to leave the company. It was a great disappointment to your father, my boss, and a problem for all of us. Let's stop this chit-chat and leave before the ferry departs without us.

The man dressed in black firmly grabbed the boy's arm, which seemed quite odd to the other two men. The boy pulled his arm off the other man’s grip, freeing himself up.

- If my father was really worried about me, he would have come himself and meet me, not just sent his body guard...

The man was livid. He knew he had a mission. The consequences of not carrying out his task, he knew very well. He stepped forward, toward the boy, who dodged. He put his hand inside his jacket and pulled a small pistol out, to the astonishment of all.

The boy looked at the man with the gun pointed in his direction and it was like a flash passed through his eyes, bringing his long-lost memories back, as if the forbidden archives had been opened in his mind and he remembered.

He was being chased through the streets and hiding in the city alleys by the river. He saw that there was a boat ready to leave the dock, at that very moment. He tried to listen carefully to the sounds close to him, to be able to take some action even if he had to risk too much. That same man, dressed in black, was carefully looking for him, armed with a pistol, probably with the sole intention of bringing him back at any cost and in any case...

At any cost, or in any way, however, it was not his intention to return to anywhere... even less to that company...

The boy kept his eyes on the gun pointed at him and said, pretending a serenity he did not really feel:

- Now I remember what happened...

***

- It was almost a miracle having my memory back, so clear, before that shocking situation. I almost froze...

- Normally, situations where there is a great rush of adrenaline trigger this sort of reaction. If he had not said that you would not escape him a second time, pointing that gun, like that, at you, we would have no reason to attack him, nor grounds for the police to arrest him. Thankfully, our reaction was quick, but I still have the mark of the bullet scraped in my arm when I and the doctor ran and jumped on him. The bad intentions of the man were clear from that moment on.

- But it could have been much worse. We could have been shot dead. After the gun was taken from his hand, it was easier. I still remember the matron hitting him hard in the back, knocking him down at once. Beating the confession out of him after that whole mess and in the middle of an angry outburst, when he could deny it if he were smarter, was a lucky treat for us... but he was completely overcome with anger by then...

- Yes. We were very lucky. It was a great team effort. He could have done anything, but he just did not count that you would survive after you've been beaten, stripped and thrown overboard. What I don’t understand, however, is the reason why he chose to hit your head, although very hard and getting rid of the body, without making sure you were really dead.

- He must have thought that the blow could be easier to explain if the body was found. He wanted it to look like an unfortunate accident. The master touch was thinking that by being naked I would be more difficult to identify... and he had a good point after all...

- Fortunately it all ended up well and I found out on the beach at the right time. I would never hesitate to defend you from any dangers that could appear. I would do it all again if I needed to. You can be sure of that.

- You know what I think? You are like the rain: sometimes falls down and refreshes; sometimes simply floods. You're a good man. It doesn't matter to me what you have done in the past or what your past has done to you. You have already lived your private hell. Your debt has been paid and has nothing to do with me. You did not know me and yet you did everything possible to help me out without even knowing who I was. You had no obligation whatsoever and you were my best mentor and protector. You were the only person who really cared for me, never thinking of ulterior intentions. You simply followed your heart and I'm very grateful to you for what you did. My debt to you is eternal.

- Nonsense. You owe me nothing!

The boy hugged his old mentor and friend with true affection and gratitude and said something he would never expect to hear.

- Yes, I do. I owe you my life!

For some inexplicable reason, that hug caused him a very peculiar effect. He felt light and full of life, with his heart warmed up with long lost emotions...

- I can hardly admit I was still able to feel these kind of emotions. I did not even know that it was possible to bring them out of my most basic needs...

- You think too much. It seems that you're afraid to show your feelings, as if they were a sign of weakness. I may be young yet but I can guarantee that only the strong live, truly, their feelings... and they’re not ashamed or afraid of that.

***

A few months later, the seaman received two envelopes by mail.

The smaller one enclosed a simple letter, coming from afar, written in a calligraphy he recognized immediately. The news were comforting. After a few tries, the boy had gotten a scholarship in the College of Oceanography. The money he had used earlier in order to pay his expenses, while going through admission tests, had been very well spent and the letter held the promise of returning the amount to his mentor and friend, within a reasonable time.

The man smiled. He had invested with his heart, in the success of his young friend and felt he had already obtained the profits of that venture. He was not worried about the money, in fact, but with the progress that his protégé had been achieving since he went back to the city. Life was ultimately good for the boy, in response to his efforts and capabilities.

He put the letter aside, still smiling and turned his attention to the brown envelope, larger than the other, where there was a well-known logo, printed on the upper-left corner. It was sent from a renowned firm in the city, whose name brought him some unusual memories.

He opened it with uneasy fingers. There was a message and a report from the lawyers. The letter stated that an inquiry had been opened to investigate the accident/incident and his wife’s subsequent death during the surgery procedure. A note revealed the reason for the reopening of the investigation process. They had grounds to believe that the death was not a simple and unfortunate contingency, once some witnesses had heard him arguing with his wife, about her infidelity, during the dinner at the restaurant on the night of the accident. Apparently the doctor had left the place, quite altered, emotionally. Despite the fact that he had already served time for manslaughter, he could still be convicted if deceit could be evidenced.

The man set the document back on the table. A deep sadness pressed his chest, like a straitjacket, tied with effective cruelty, hindering the movements of his soul. The wind and drizzle falling outside the grey and almost too chilly day, only intensified his melancholy and brought long time vivid memories back to his troubled mind. Two hot tears streamed down his cold face and fell on the letterhead paper lying on the table, with so unwelcome news.

***

A middle-aged man was walking along the beach, completely immersed in his thoughts. Those ghosts, who were very well concealed for so long, had decided to come back to mind and haunt him. There were days when he felt more alone than in others and that was definitely one of them. He felt sad and a sense of emptiness seemed to grow within him. At that moment, he was sensiblly charged with memories that made him emotional and somewhat frail, about to surrender to tears, but strong enough to want to stay alive.

Circumstances put people and situations in our way to assess us or to shake our balance up and get us out of our comfort zones. The Universe has its own means and plans, which life itself is unaware of. The beauty of living is exactly the surprises and unpredictability of what happens to us every day. The fisherman knew that life puts us to test, all the time, challenging our limits. It is the way to make us stronger and more tolerant, increasing our resistance to the circumstances. Living is truly a constant exercise of adaptation, endurance and strength. The good thing is that all along the road, we often find people and even animals, moments and occasions that are effectively worth it.

The autumn wind blew fresh, yet mild, against his body and his face framed by an auburn beard, misaligning his light brown hair, which has thinned on top of the head. He stopped, looked at the horizon and felt the urge to get carried away by a silent invitation. Almost instinctively, he undressed and walked into the ocean, without thinking any much. The low temperature of the waters made him feel more alive than long ago. He took a few steps ahead and dove into the chilling sea, allowing his naked body to be completely surrounded by that welcome and cooling sensation...