Earworm (Part 2)

- Are you an angel?

- No. Not really…

- Then?

- I am here to help you make it through…

- Make it through?

- To the other… Side…

- You’re scaring me.

- Please, don’t be afraid. You will be alright.

- Now I’m really scared. This is getting insane…

- A leap of faith?

- Another one?

He smiled. Funny how his smile made me feel so good and safe. Something in my mind was telling me I should trust him. He kept on looking at me with that kindness clearly shown in his eyes. My legs went weak and I felt I needed to sit. He just held my hand. My sight went black. My mind went blank. Then I disappeared… or everything else did…

***

- Come with me. The Canal must be pretty quiet by now. It’s late and no one is working on the gondolas at this time of the evening. I’ll take you to the other side…

The night was pitch dark, with no moon shining in the sky. He chose a new moon night very wisely. I could see the stars glittering way above our heads, but could not see much beyond our eyes. His hand was clenched in mine. His grasp was warm and firm. For a strange reason, my heart was blazing, in spite of the night being fresh, almost cold. I was being conducted by him through the night, skilfully through the dark waters of the silent canal. The lights of the town were behind us and he was leading the boat to the foggy side of the place. I felt tired, but was apprehensive at the same time, so I could not close my eyes for a second.

I trusted him and his abilities… I had to… but then he led the boat through the cellars of a very old building. Suddenly all the lights disappeared and I could only hear the sound of the rowing oar softly hitting the water around us. I lost his grip and held the side of the boat with both hands. I felt we were moving forward and a gentle e fresh breeze was still blowing on my face. He was silent and so was I, more for fear than for consciousness, keeping my ears in complete alertness.

- Where are we?

- Shush. Don’t worry. Trust me. We’re almost there.

- There? Where?

He never responded. The silence was almost unbearable. I gave up and kept my mouth apprehensively shut along that strange trip in the dark cellars, until I saw the very pale light that was shimmering right ahead. My heart was pounding so fast I thought I was going to have a breakdown. My mind was completely uneasy and I felt shivers going up and down my spine. My thoughts became one, shouting in my mind that abnormal state of dread.

“Oh, God! I’m so undeniably scared now.”

And then it got even worse when I heard him say:

- Don’t be. There is nothing to be scared of.

He did that again. How could he know what I was thinking? I wondered if I would ever know.

Then he slowed the boat down and docked, jumping quickly to the path and helping me to step off to the firm terrain. His hand was warm and mine was terribly cold.

And then he smiled at me. For a strange reason, instead of feeling safe, I felt scared. What would his intention be? Why that strange smile?

My heart missed another beat. Then…

***

- What was that?

- A dream, I guess…

- You guess? You know what it was…

He just smiled, as if he knew more than he was actually saying.

- Man, this is crazy. What are doing to me? You’re scaring me to death.

- That’s not my intention whatsoever, my dearest. Not at all. I’m just preparing you.

- That ‘I’m preparing you’ thing again. Why don’t you say it all? I’m getting tired of this…

He simply responded the most soothing way he could.

- We have already spoken about this.

- Yes, we have, but that does not make me feel better.

My mind wandered in time.

***

- A reason?

- You will know when the time is due.

- And I guess I won’t know anything else about it beforehand…

- As I said, when the time is due, my dear… only then…

- This is pretty annoying, did you know that? And it is a bit scary…

- You won’t be hurt. Don’t worry.

- Hurt? Is that your concern?

- Mainly…

I punched his arm, trying to hurt him badly.

- Ouch!

But he just held my hand, kissed it and embraced me, laughing at my clumsy attempt to harm him.

- You will be alright.

For a strange reason, I felt he was trying to protect me, but could not define of what… or who… so I closed my eyes and snuggled in his chest. He touched my face so lightly, I thought of snowflakes brushing my skin, but so much warmer…

***

- I had that dream again.

- Did you?

He was smiling. I wondered what that crafty smile could mean. He knew it. I knew he knew it. He knew exactly what was going on in my mind… always.

- Why this funny look?

- You know everything. Guess it.

- I don’t know everything. Your impression of me is too far from reality.

- It is not. You’ve always been so mysterious and reticent. You get me confused and then you laugh at me, without any real explanation… and I wonder where this is going to take me, but I suppose you won’t tell me now…

- Maybe one day…

***

- Tell me your secrets… even the darkest ones… you can trust me.

- If you tell me yours…

He simply smiled, pretending he was kind of defeated. He would never tell me any of his hidden secrets. If he could really read my mind, many of my undisclosed wounds were still vulnerable, as far as I was concerned. He could touch them and either hurt me or heal me. It was his option or his call. He had me entirely in his hands.

And those hands… oh, God… they were so caring. His touch was so perfectly endearing, drawing his way around the curves of my body. His lips brushed on mine, then on my neck, my chest and my stomach. He then went down my tickling skin, giving me goose bumps as he kissed his way over it and holding my body firmly in his warm hands, as if to assure I would not fly away from his caresses… as if I would ever try to…

How could I think of anything else, but pleasure, when I was being touched and pampered like that? I could get addicted to that and to him, anytime and anyway.

No. In fact, I could not. The conditional case, here, should not be applied anymore. It was too late for that.

Thinking clearly and plainly, I was actually already addicted to him.

He could do anything he wanted to and take anything from me and I would certainly indulge without any sign of struggle. He was my lover and he mastered the art of seduction, making me forget about everything else when we were together. The world could turn around without us for a whole night or longer, if he wanted to. I was a toy in his hands, accepting openly what I could take from him, as if it was the last thing I would do in my life… Then he would take whole control and make me go to Heaven or Hell in seconds, until the whole world exploded from me and I would fall from the heights, attached to his body and soul, as if we were just one. 

Weary and happy, we would then fall asleep in each other’s arms, sleeping together and dreaming separate dreams.

***

- I have to go now.

- But it’s still early…

- I know and I don’t really want to, but I must.

- I wish you could stay a little longer, sweet man.

- I’m not going to be late tonight. I promise.

His eyes, then, wondered away. I knew that look. My body reacted immediately, getting tense and I shivered a little.

- This is not a goodbye. It is just a ‘see you later’…

- I know that…

He sat on the bed side. My eyes were trying to memorize the lines of his back and arms, while he was slowly getting dressed and ready to leave. I was busy observing his almost catlike manoeuvres, still amazed and enchanted, after so long together, by the way he moved. He was astonishing, in the most beautiful sense of the word. He was not only handsome, but also very masculine. I loved the way he cared about himself and kept his strong body in good shape.

He left a few minutes later. I still had about an hour before my time to get up, so I simple rolled over and fell asleep for another while.

***

I was wondering around after lunch, close to the Canal, half wishing I could see him around, but I knew it would be just a wish, as his schedule was not rigid. It would depend on the tourists and the season was almost over, with the weather cooling down and the number of customers dwindling every day. It was already past mid-Autumn. The air was fresher by the channel and most of the beggars avoided those spots, but needed to be closer to the restaurants and the streets. 

An old woman I used to see by the trattoria was sitting on the walkway by the sun and with her back on the wall. She seemed to be sleeping calmly and warmed up by the light and almost too pale rays of the early afternoon. For some reason I kept on watching her. Her body leaned a bit forward, as if she really fell asleep in the warm spot where she was. I think I was the only person looking at her. It’s funny how old beggars turn into totally invisible people to the passers-by. 

I got into the trattoria and ordered a cup of coffee, then sat by the window. The old beggar lady was still there, in the same position, leaning a bit forward while sitting out in the sun. My mind was almost empty. I was just watching the movement of people and observing the old woman.

A known silhouette appeared from I don’t know where and stopped by her. My eyes brighten up and I was ready to get up and go outside when the waiter brought my coffee. When my attention was away from him and I looked out of the window again, I saw the man was stretching his hand out to the woman, who had woken up and put her wrinkled fingers inside the younger man’s palm, so to get up. He helped her standing up and the two followed the pathway, walking side by side. They seemed to keep silence, while they walked away from my sight. 

I decided I would follow them, just to see what he was doing. It was a mix of kindness, but at the same time very intriguing. As I walked out the door, I noticed the place where the woman was a few minutes back was as intact as if she was still around. Her few plastic bags and an old grey and red woollen shawl were still there. It seemed time had congealed, and I thought something was wrong, so I just got the shawl in my hands and walked away with quick steps, trying to reach them, as if I really could.

They could not be seen on the street ahead, but I followed my heart and the path I thought they would be taking, going to the direction of the Canal. For a change, I was right. By the time I turned the corner, I saw he was helping her into the gondola. They were alone, and I could not see the usual line of tourists forming up by the boat. She slowly sat on the back of the gondola and they travelled through the Canal, before I could reach them. I would not shout, as I knew he would not hear me anyway.

I decided to follow them for as far as I could, even knowing that would not make much sense. My heart was beating fast. My mind was uneasy. I followed the gondola for many streets, trying to be as close to them as possible.

Suddenly they left the Grand Canal and took one of the narrow streams. As the boat floated along, I noticed the place was quieter and quieter. In my mind I recognized the place. The boat went through a passageway and they got into the cellars of a very old building. I thought I saw him turning around and looking back at me, but I was not sure it really happened or if I just imagined it. I simply froze. Then, they disappeared into the shadows. 

I could not follow them anymore, but I recognized that was the same place I kept dreaming of.

My heart missed a beat... or even two.

What was he doing?

And me?… What was I doing?

***

Preso na Mente (Parte 1)

- Diga-me, falando seriamente: de onde é que tu vieste, afinal?

- Do Céu...

- Mesmo? Tu poderias ter vindo do inferno e eu nunca ia ter certeza, de facto. Eu não sei como e por quê, mas tu estás preso em minha mente como uma daquelas canções que ficam repetindo sem parar... Eu não consigo tirar-te dos meus pensamentos! O que tu estás fazendo comigo? Isto é tão estranho…

Ele riu. Seus olhos eram como duas estrelas e eu podia vê-los cintilando na escuridão ou melhor dizendo, eu os estava mais sentindo do que realmente vendo. Suas mãos estenderam-se para me tocar, e eu aceitei aquele seu terno toque na minha pele, tão leve e agradável como uma pena que flutuava na morna brisa de verão e aterrissava suavemente no meu corpo.

- É um segredo.

- E suponho que tu não me vais dizer...

- Não, mas tu sempre me podes manter em tua mente. Assim podes levar-me contigo, onde quer que tu vás... e sempre que quiseres...

- Esperto... Muito esperto.

***

Ele era um homem diferente. Muito peculiar. Eu percebi aquilo desde que deitei meus olhos sobre ele pela primeira vez. Suas feições não eram de um deus grego, mas tinha seu encanto próprio. Sua pele era pálida, mas não rosada, seus olhos escuros eram como pérolas negras, brilhando em suas profundas órbitas. Embora mantivesse seus cabelos pretos  aparados e limpos, era quase calvo. Ele era atraente, sem ser arrojado ou arrogante.

Eu era uma turista viajando sozinha e ele estava trabalhando como gondoleiro no Grande Canal. Ele nos disse que trabalhava durante o verão para ganhar algum dinheiro, de modo a cobrir seus estudos. Queria ser um mestre em Artes e a taxa de matrícula era bastante dispendiosa. Quando estava trabalhando como um guia nas gôndolas, era muito educado e bem-humorado, mas quando a situação era mais tranquila, seus olhos, de alguma forma, perdiam-se na distância, como se o seu espírito viajasse para fora do corpo, por algum tempo.

Quando deixamos o Canal, ele acenou com um adeus educado e voltou sua atenção para o novo grupo de turistas, que já aguardavam na fila. Eu ainda caminhei um par de horas e então decidi encontrar um restaurante onde pudesse comer alguma coisa, já que a hora de almoço havia passado há muito e eu estava morrendo de fome. Decidi pela trattoria e tentei encontrar um local mais silencioso perto da janela, para que pudesse observar as pessoas entrando e saindo pelas portas pintadas de verde-escuro. Era tarde e poucos lugares ainda serviam almoço como em um dia normal. A pequena e aconchegante trattoria estava silenciosa, mas não vazia, apesar de já ser a meio da tarde.

Coincidência, ou não, reconheci-o quando ele entrou no mesmo restaurante, caminhando de cabeça erguida e com firmeza, mostrando confiança e conforto em ser quem era. Ele então sentou-se sozinho, pediu a refeição e esperou. Não olhou para o celular, nem mostrou nenhum interesse pelas pessoas ao seu redor. Seus olhos estavam, de uma certa forma, perdidos na distância, para além da janela. Ao observar seus movimentos, pensei que era uma pessoa tão incomum e decidi que queria saber mais sobre ele.

Eu tentei fazê-lo olhar para mim, mentalmente, fazendo o máximo esforço que pude para chamá-lo em minha mente. Ele franziu a testa, como se algo o estivesse perturbando e, então, olhou em volta, como se estivesse procurando por alguém. Foi então que nossos olhos se encontraram.

Senti vontade de cair em um imenso buraco, que pareceu-me abrir por debaixo dos meus pés. Senti uma ligeira tontura. Ele estava lá, olhando para mim com aquela expressão impossível de decifrar estampada no rosto. Aquele momento não durou mais de um ou dois segundos, mas foi tão intenso como se houvesse durado a eternidade de cem anos. Eu tentei-me levantar, mas minhas pernas falharam e ele percebeu.

- ‘Tás bem?

"Ora essa! ‘Tás bem??? Que tipo de Português é esse?”

- Sim. Eu estou bem. Obrigada.

Ele estava de pé junto à minha mesa e parecia preocupado. Eu pensei que ia desmaiar.

Meu coração estava batendo muito rápido e tão alto, que era difícil ouvir qualquer outra coisa.

"Que diabos é isso?"

- Estás muito pálida. Talvez devesses beber um pouco de água.

- Eu estou bem. Obrigada.

"Ele é apenas um estranho. Por que ele está preocupado comigo? Isso não faz sentido…"

Ele estava falando sério. Muito sério. Os olhos escuros brilhavam à luz da tarde. Não pude deixar de pensar num enorme farol, erguido na praia.

- Tens certeza de que estás bem? Eu posso pedir ajuda.

"Ajuda? Ajuda-me, Deus! Eu quero esse homem!"

- Estou bem. A água vai-me fazer bem.

- OK, então.

Ele virou-se e deixou-me ali sozinha, caminhando firme e devagar, para longe de onde eu estava. Ao chegar ao caixa, tirou a carteira do bolso direito e conferiu a conta. Eu fiquei ali, a olhar e ainda a me sentir uma sensação muito estranha. Ele pagou e saiu pela porta de vidro. Eu estava insegura e incerta do que se havia passado. Queria que ele ficasse, mas não podia fazer nada, além de manter o desejo bem escondido em minha mente. Eu gritei lá dentro de mim, sabendo que minha voz nunca seria ouvida, nem por ele, nem por ninguém.

"Oh. Por favor, volte e olhe para mim! "

Meu rosto mostrava claramente meu desespero e impotência. Por algum motivo estranho, senti o desejo de olhar para a janela atrás de mim e voltei-me ligeiramente.

Levei um susto. Ele estava-me olhando com uma expressão engraçada em seu rosto bonito. Tentei sorrir, mas só consegui esboçar um esgar estranho e torto. Ele riu... para mim... e se afastou, como se estivesse feliz com o que havia conseguido até ali.

***

- Como tu podes ler minha mente desse jeito? Como podes responder, quando meus lábios ainda nem foram abertos?

- Eu te entendo e te sinto. Eu leio teus pensamentos.

- Isso é assustador. Sabias disso? Eu acho que tu me enfeitiçaste, desde o primeiro momento.

Ele apenas riu, sem nem ao menos tentar negar, mas eu sabia que aquilo não era normal.

Para todos os efeitos, meu coração desejava ele. Meu corpo pedia seu toque. Meus pensamentos estavam voltados para ele durante todo o dia, inevitavelmente.

Eu certamente havia sido enfeitiçada. Era difícil concentrar-se, já que minha atenção estava totalmente e inevitavelmente dirigida a ele. Não que eu quisesse que fosse diferente, mas sabia que estava sob sua vontade... ou feitiço... completamente... em corpo e alma...

E ele parecia gostar, embora nunca tenha dito nada disso em voz alta.

***

- Faz cerca de três meses nos vemos todos os dias. Incrível, não é mesmo?

- Tanto assim? Eu não diria que se passou tanto tempo...

- Intensidade. A isto eu chamo de intensidade.

- Ótimo. Intensidade é uma coisa boa, acho eu.

- É bom, sim.

***

- Confia em mim.

- Mas eu tenho medo.

- Confia em mim, ok? Tudo ficará bem. Ou tu dás um salto de fé ou não enfrentas nada. Ademais, nunca saberás, a menos que tentes.

- Mas é como saltar no ar e não saber se há uma rede para me segurar se eu falhar e cair... E eu não sei voar...

- Pois eu sei. Basta fechar os olhos e, como tu mesma disseste, saltar!

Eu estava tão assustada. Eu não sabia se eu deveria confiar nele ou não, mas eu queria. Fechei os olhos e segurei sua mão. Então eu me soltei... e fico feliz por ter feito... agora...

***

- Não sei como tu conseguiste me convencer, mas fico feliz que o tenha feito.

- Prova apenas que tu precisas ser mais ousada...

- Ah, tá!

Como de costume, ele estava brincando com a minha inteligência. Ele costumava dizer que eu tinha uma mente sexy. Isso era uma coisa incomum para mim, mas aquilo enchia minha vida de orgulho e alegria.

- Tu conheceste muitas pessoas diferentes em tua vida e essa é certamente uma declaração muito séria, com base nas tuas experiências.

- É por isso que posso dizer que estou falando sério. Tu és especial. Muito especial.

Eu corei imediatamente. Ele simplesmente me segurou em seus braços, beijando o topo da minha cabeça. Eu passei os braços em volta do seu corpo e me senti totalmente aconchegada e amada. Que sensação tão boa... Mas por alguma razão incompreensível, meu coração deu um salto.

Olhei para o seu rosto bonito e ele parecia distante, como se estivesse em outro lugar... muito longe dali. Eu conhecia aquele olhar.

Então ele disse, com uma voz grave e bastante baixa, quase inaudível:

- Eu estou na tua vida por uma razão muito específica.

***

Earworm (Part 1)

- Tell me seriously: where did you come from?

- Heaven…

- Really? You could have come from Hell instead and I would never be quite sure of that either. I don’t know how and why, but you’re stuck in my mind like an earworm… I can’t take you out of my thoughts! What are you doing to me, after all? It’s so weird…

He giggled. His eyes were like two stars and I could see them twinkling in the darkness or better saying, I was more feeling them than really seeing them. His hands reached out to touch me, and I accepted his kindness and tender touch on my skin, feeling it so soft and suave like a feather floating in the warm summer breeze and landing on my body.

- It’s a secret.

- And I assume you won’t tell me…

- No, but you can always keep me in your mind, so you can take me with you wherever you go… whenever…

- Wise man… very wise man.

***

He was a different man. Very peculiar. I could take it from the moment I first set my eyes upon him. His handsome features were not of a Greek god, but he had his charm.  His skin was pale but not rosy, his dark eyes were like black pearls, shining in the deep shells of his eye sockets. Although he kept his dark hair trimmed and neat, he was almost bald. He was attractive without being bold or arrogant.

I was a tourist traveling on my own and he was working as a gondolier in the Grand Canal. He told us he worked during the summer to raise some money to cover his studies. He wanted to major in Arts and the tuition was quite expensive. When he was working and acting as a guide on the gondolas, he was very polite and good humoured, but when the situation was quiet, his eyes, somehow, would wonder away every now and then, as if his spirit was longing for something out there all the time.

When we left the Canal, he just waved a polite goodbye and went back to the new group of tourists awaiting in line. I still wandered around for a couple of hours and then decided to find a restaurant where I could eat something, as the time for lunch was long gone and I was starving.  I decided on the trattoria and tried to find a quieter spot near the window, so I could observe the people coming in and out through the dark green painted doors. It was late and not many places would serve lunch as in a normal day. The small and cosy trattoria was quiet, but not empty at all, in spite of being mid-afternoon already.

Coincidence or not, I recognized his handsome figure when he came in the same restaurant, walking proudly and firmly, showing confidence and comfort in being who he was. Then he sat alone, ordered the meal and waited. He did not look to the cell phone, he did not show any interest in people around him. His eyes were somehow lost in the distance, far away from the window. While observing his movements, I thought he was that very unusual person and I decided I wanted to know more of who he was.

I tried to make him look at me, mentally, trying as hard as I could to call him in my mind. He frowned, as if something was disturbing his mind, then looked around as if looking for someone. Then our eyes met.

I felt like falling into an immense hole opened underneath my feet. My head was dizzy, and he was there, looking at me with that unreadable expression on his face. The eternal moment lasted not longer than one or two seconds, but it was as intense as a hundred years long. I tried to stand up, but my legs failed me, and he noticed it.

- You ok?

“You ok??? What kind of English is that?”

- Yes. I am ok. Thanks.

He was standing by my table and looking worried. I thought I was going to faint. My heart was pounding fast.

“What the hell is this?”

- You are very pale. Maybe you should drink some water.

- I’m alright. Thanks.

“He is just a stranger. Why is he worried about me? This makes no sense…”

He was serious. Very serious. His dark eyes sparkled in the afternoon light. I could not help but think of a lighthouse standing tall on the beachline.

- Are you sure you’re OK? I can ask for help.

“Help? Help me God, I want this man!”

- I’m really OK. Water will do me good.

- Ok, then.

He turned around and left me alone. He walked firmly and slowly, away from me. He went towards the cashier and took his wallet from his right pocket. I was still feeling weird. He paid the bill and left through the glass door. I was unsure and insecure. I wanted him to stay, but could not do anything, but keep my desire hidden in my mind. I shouted from inside, knowing my voice would never be heard, either by him or by anyone else around.

“Oh. Please come back and look at me!”

My face was clearly showing despair and impotence. For some strange reason I felt the urge to look at the window behind me and I did.

I had a fright. He was looking at me with a funny expression on his handsome face. I tried to return his smile, but could only show a strange and crooked smirk. He laughed… at me… and walked away, as if he was happy with what he got so far.

***

- How can you read my mind that way? How can you answer, when my lips are still not even open?

- I feel you. I sense you. I read your thoughts.

- You’re scary. Did you know that? I think you’ve put a spell on me, since the very first moment.

He just laughed. He never denied it, but I knew that was not normal.

For what mattered, my heart longed for him. My body missed his touch. My thoughts were only for and about him all day long.

I had certainly been bewitched. My mind-set was totally and unavoidably directed to him. Not that I wanted it to be different, but I knew I was under his will… or spell… completely… body and soul…

And he seemed to like it, although he never really said it out loud.

***

- It’s been about three months we see each other every day.

- That long? I wouldn’t say that much…

- Intensity. This is what I call it.

- Nice. Intensity is good, I guess.

- It is good, yes.

***

- Trust me.

- I’m afraid.

- Just trust me, ok? It’ll be alright. Either you take a leap of faith or not. You will never know unless you try.

- But it’s like jumping in the air and not knowing if there is a net to hold me if I fail and fall… I don’t know how to fly…

- I do. Just close your eyes and, as you said, jump!

I was so scared. I did not know if I should trust him or not, but I wanted to. I closed my eyes and held his hand. Then I let myself go… and I’m glad I did… now.

***

- I don’t know how you convince me, but I’m glad you did.

- It just proves you need to be more daring…

- Yeah. Right.

As usually, he was playing games with my mind. He used to say I had a sexy mind. That was an uncommon thing for me, but he was filling my life with pride and joy.

- You have met lots of different people in your life and that’s certainly a very serious statement, based on your experience.

- This is why I can say I’m serious about it. You ARE special.

I blushed immediately. He simply held me in his arms, kissing the top on my head. I encircled his body with my arms and felt cosy and loved. What a good sensation to feel… but for some incomprehensible reason my heart missed a beat.

I looked at his handsome face and he seemed distant, as if he was in another place… far-faraway. I knew that look.

Then he said, in a grave and very low voice:

- I’m in your life for a reason.

***