The Ginger Fox (Part 1)

- What is it that you see?

- They seem like eyes, gleaming in the dark.

- Maybe a cat.

- Or a fox…

- Let’s get closer.

- Oh. It’s a fox. I love foxes.

- You’re crazy. Who’d love foxes? They’re scary.

- Well, I do. They’re cute.

- Yeah, right.

I don’t like being chased. I don’t think that fox likes it either. The poor animal was busy on its hunting and trying to catch its prey and we were chasing it, out of sheer curiosity, disturbing the natural order of things.  It was our obligation to feed the poor animal, after all.

I went inside and grabbed a piece of meat from the fridge and threw it to the bush where the canid was hidden and waited. Not too long afterwards, I heard the characteristic snap and the movement of the foliage. It had probably gotten the compensation gift I offered.

I smiled, feeling kind of relieved.

- Let’s get back inside. He’ll be ok now.

***

I walked down the staircase to the hall of the building, as I used to do most of the times, every day. Working on the second floor was a good reason to avoid using the lifts and an excuse to exercise my legs.

As I opened the door and stepped outside I noticed there was a man standing at the bus stop nearby. He was busy with his phone and did not look at me straight away. He was in his mid-thirties, at least. His shaved face, pale skin and ginger hair called my attention, so I looked at him for a longer while. He probably noticed I was staring at him, so he lifted his eyes and looked at me.

His deep green eyes pierced my stare like two sharp arrows. I felt a pinch in my stomach, but I could not look away. He smiled lightly, as if he was used to cause that type of reaction, in a land where most of the people were dark haired. 

I tried to smile, but was unsuccessful. He, on the other hand, found it funny and smiled again. The bus stopped and he hopped in. To my surprise, as the vehicle moved away, he looked out of the window, as if to be certain I was still there. I was… staring at him in absolute awe and smiling foolishly.

***

I decided I had to check if he was always there to catch the bus at the same time. When I could I would go downstairs at the approximately the same time just to be sure he was there. For a long time I did the same and I never happened to see him again. I was so disappointed.

With time, I forgot almost all about it and went back to my normal life. It was an illusion; a sweet ginger illusion and I had to get over it as soon as I could… sadly…

***

- Why did you do that?

- Because I wanted to know more about the one who was always looking at me with such interest.

- You’re funny.

- Maybe I am. I don’t think you regretted my actions.

- Of course not. On the contrary.

- “I walk alone”…

- I know. I thought I was being stalked.

- Well, in a way, you were.

- You’re right. I should have called the Police. There were so many policemen around, anyway…

I looked at him. He was just waiting for my reaction. Then he burst into laughter.

I wanted to punch him, but he just held my wrists and pulled me into his arms, in a tight embrace and, when I was not fighting anymore, he smiled and kissed me… a long and zealous kiss which stopped me from doing anything but kissing him back with a passion I knew I had for a long time already, probably since the day I first saw him standing at the bus station, pretending he was busy with his cell phone, when he was really watching me staring at him.

I thought to myself: ‘was it really I who seduced him, or was it the other way around?’

- You’re so obvious, my dear. I knew what you wanted from the first time I saw you staring at me.

‘How could he know what I was thinking about?’

- I am obvious. I cannot pretend I don’t want you, when you’re the only one in my mind all the time.

- How sweet.

He smiled. It just came to my mind the recollection of when and why I fell for him. That smile was a killer then. It’s a killer still, after all this time.

***

The 600 bus just stopped in front of the building. For some strange unexplainable reason I had the impetus of jumping on, before any idea did really come to my mind. He was still at the door and did not look back. I was so close to him I could smell his perfume.

He sat on the back seat. I looked around, pretending not to see where he was, trying to find a place where I could watch the back of the bus. I wanted him to know I was there, but I did not want him to think I was there because of him, so I pretended not to notice where he was. I saw when he stood up close to the main station downtown.

‘Easy’, I thought.  A busy station would not be suspicious, as most of the people were also standing up to leave the bus at the same place. He came closer and got ready to leave. I stood up. He looked back and our eyes met.

In fact, our eyes locked.  I could not look away and he was staring at me, as serious as he could be. He was right. I should have known better. I was stalking him and he knew it. The bus stopped and he left. I followed, but was ashamed and stopped on the sidewalk, staring at my feet. I wanted to die.

Decided to stop that nonsense, I looked around, just to go the opposite direction, in case he was still observing me. When I turned around and started walking down to São Bento, as he was looking to the other side, I felt my chest hurt in sorrow. I was a fool.  A few steps further down the street, feeling like the worst person on Earth, someone bumped my arm, when walking down the same direction as if in a hurry. I did not pay attention to who it was. I was feeling so sad, I had tears in my eyes.

- Are you stalking me?

- Uh?

And now this. So embarrassing. What do I say?

- Uh. No. Why would I?

- You’ve been following me.

I could not look at his face, but I would not lie, either.

- I’m sorry.

- For?

I looked up at his face. He was staring at me again and he was still serious. I wanted to disappear. He moved one step further toward me. I thought he was going to punch me right there in front of all the people. I raised my head and waited.

- What are you sorry for, after all?

- For causing you the sensation of being stalked.

- You don’t seem to be the dangerous type of stalker.

- Oh. Thank you very much. That’s so very kind of you.

Sarcasm goes a long way.

- Can I compensate this awkward situation with a coffee? A coffee can mend so many things… I’m really sorry.

His bright green eyes were seriously fixed on mine. I froze.

***

Tattoo (Part 2 of 2)

- Mine is prettier.

- It is. No doubt it was a very beautiful choice.

- I’ve decided for a more modern design and I think I got it so right.

- Definitely yes. It’s very well done and with a beautiful colour effect... I wouldn’t have made a better choice.

He looked at the picture once again and kissed the etched dragon intentionally tattooed between the two dimples in the lower part of my back. My skin was warm and reacted when his lips touched that strategic point located at the base of my spine.

- I love your curves. These two dimples are so incredibly sexy... And now there is also this dragon so well made and meaningful...

I bent slightly up, as if submitting my body to more welcome displays of affection and he accepted the offer so eagerly, it triggered an almost involuntary and almost irreversible reaction. I could feel he did not want to worry about control over anything, anyway. He just lay down on top of me, kissing every part of my body. I felt so loved and so desired by him, my whole body opened for his caresses and for his so welcomed yearning.

- Uhm ... What was that?

No answer. He just kept on kissing me all over. I cringed as he rubbed his lips behind my ear, triggering waves of goose bumps running all over the extension of my skin. He giggled and took advantage of the discovery. It was his chance.

***

- We are marked forever.

- As if we were genuine soul mates...

- Ahaha! There you come, again, with that soul mate thing...

- We're matching souls and bodies, then.

- We're people who like to be with each other and our bodies know that. Isn’t that enough?

- "May it be eternal while it lasts"?

- Maybe that's more than enough...

I laughed, pretending I was happy with that, but my mind accepted things quite different from his. He always tried to keep his emotions under controlled loss of control. He used to say that nothing in life would be eternal and that having high expectations could lead to big disappointments. He did not want our "friendship", so to speak, to lead to anything other than the good things we already had.

I knew things could be more complicated than the simplification he tried to imply about the situation. I was not afraid of being romantic or giving myself in and letting myself go ahead, in the name of a feeling I would want to grow stronger. That was how I was. My head was always in the clouds, my body always ready, when we were together. I wanted that to last forever, although I knew it would end… eventually…

- Let go. Let go. Don’t hold back. Be entirely here with me… Give yourself in to this moment… Don’t be afraid…

I knew the risks involved. I knew the pleasures that relationship had brought to our lives... and I liked the whole thing... but I was not sure about him. He seemed to have his mind so far away sometimes… so untouchable. Maybe I was only being paranoid. Maybe I was right…

***

- Do you like it this way?

- I do, but move a little further up, please.

- On here?

- Yes. That’s it.

I examined him carefully, with opportunistic lascivious eyes, my cheeks flushed with desire, and hummed softly, next to his ear:

"You’re on my heart just like a tattoo"... (Jordin Sparks – Just Like a Tattoo)

I ran my fingers lightly over the drawing, which had been etched in pain on the left side of his waist. I kissed, not only there, but in several other parts of his body, as I used to do, when desire surpassed control.

Our tattoos were almost committed to each other. Two dragons so dissimilar, representing two very different meanings, printed on the skins of two very unalike people. But even so, they were two dragons: two creatures of the same species... or maybe not...

***

- Hug me.

- What happened?

- Shhh.

My body was warm, as if it were burning coal. He had no idea what was going on, so he just stood there, not saying a word, listening to my panting breath and feeling my heart pound against his chest. He sensed something was wrong, but he did not know what it was.

- Tell me what's going on.

- Shhh. Just stay like this, a little longer...

We stayed, what seemed like an endless time, in that tight embrace. When, at last, I released him, I said only in an almost desperate whisper:

- Make love with me… Don’t make love to me: make love with me!

He did not say anything, just let himself go... completely... like an inflatable boat, down the rapids, without oars and without rudder.

We made love as if madness had taken over us. Our bodies burned as if they were suffering from a high fever and we had our bloods running, like hot lava in our veins, ready to erupt at any moment. We sought to satisfy an insatiable thirst, while we drank from the same venom, or its antidote, mixed erratically in our mouths and pursued a comfort that did not exist. We let ourselves be taken by the insanity that made that moment unique and intense, in waves that came and went inside us, like the sea throwing itself on the sands of the beach, in that rhythmic, sometimes languid, sometimes energetic back and forth. We sailed in dark deep waters, like a boat without a helmsman, who ran the risk of wrecking the hull on the reefs and the sharp banks of multi-coloured corals.

He closed his eyes, trying to refrain the distress that was taking hold of him, and let out a scream, like an animal in the forest. His whole body convulsed, in repeated spasms. Then that feeling of abandonment and relaxation followed. Our bodies were inert for a few moments, overcome by fatigue.

We stayed in silence, listening to our breaths, which were slowly going back to their natural rhythm.

We lost track of time and fell into a deep sleep. I had a dream I would never tell him about. I was drowning in the dark chilly waters of doubt and I could not do anything to avoid it. I was choking and there was no one else around to give me a hand. I was so alone and cold…

When I woke up, he was still sleeping. That bed looked huge and cold despite the heat outside.

Something seemed out of place. There was a strange atmosphere and for a moment I felt sad. Anguish tortured my chest. That dream made me think of what was happening between the two of us.

My mouth was very dry. I needed fresh water. I got up and went into the kitchen. It was late at night, and there was a pleasant breeze coming through the open door onto the porch, so I went outside.

***

- Hey.

- Hey.

His voice was almost a whisper. I was about to scream in despair. I tried to stay calm. I thanked the night, for my face was hidden in its darkness.

- What are you doing?

- Thinking...

- Do I bother you?

- Of course not.

He came closer and kissed my back and neck, then rubbed his lips, very lightly, all the way down my back to stop at the tattoo, almost invisible in the shade. My skin shivered and I let my body curl toward him in a reaction of agreement. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

- I love your smell.

- Hmm...

- You're an addiction... I feel like I cannot live without you.

I turned to him, my face neatly hidden in the gloom.

- I'm going away.

- Are you? Why?

- It must be. You're right. This became a real addiction. I'm losing control.

- But that's good, isn’t it?

How I wished that was the whole truth about it, but I had to keep it simple.

- I don’t know. I'm suffocating. I cannot go on like this... I need space for myself... I have a lot to think about...

- I don’t understand…

- I do not even know if I understand, but... I must do something... and it has to be urgently... If I stay, I will make you unhappy...

- Unhappy? How come?

The answer was a lot more complicated than the question, so I stayed quiet. His idea of ​​happiness was so different from mine. He was happy with that situation and I needed more. I just wanted it to give me more peace of mind, more composure, more security. I had to leave before becoming sad and tired of trying to always be there for him and his physical desires.

I looked at him with a mixture of sadness and anticipation in my expression.

He was silent for a few minutes, not knowing how to react. I don’t think he knew what to think. His mind searched for reasons and reasons to justify that decision and could find none.

- I know I must respect your will. There's nothing I can do to change that, is there?

- I really must go.

- Okay then, but this is all very sad...

- We will have so many beautiful memories to keep, will not we?

- Many... We will always have our tattoos, vivid in our skins, to bring them to the memory every time.

- Well, dragons always come back in the spring...

- Do they?

- Uh-huh... With the first full moon...

- I've never thought of that.

He looked me in the eyes and saw my decision was made.  I could not smile, as my soul was torn in pieces. There was nothing else to be said. That was definitely goodbye.

***

I still keep my precious tattoo. It reminds me of great times with a wonderful man… who was never mine entirely. The pain I felt when the needle pierced my skin to imprint that wonderful dragon on my lower back was nothing compared to the sorrow I felt by the decision I’ve made to leave him, despite so many times regretting that...

Who knows how strong I can be and what decisions I still can make in the future, anyway…. Time can change everything… so many times…

Earworm (Final)

I could not hide how alarmed I looked when he came back out of the cellars of the old building all alone. He did not seem to be surprised in seeing me standing there, watching the gondola coming to my direction. He jumped out of the boat and approached me, smiling lightly.

In my confusion, I could not smile back at him. One thing only was disturbing my mind and I could not think of anything else but saying:

- Who are you? Where is she?

- Don’t panic, please. I can explain.

He reached out to touch me. I stepped back.

- Don’t. Just don’t…

- Please don’t be afraid. I owe you this explanation, at least. Even knowing this might shock you and keep you away from me, I need to tell you what is going on.

I was scared... very scared. I did not know if I really wanted to know what he was going to tell me, but he was right. It was time to put an end to that mystery for once.

‘Oh, my sweet Lord! I need to be so brave now! Cool down… cool down…’

- Tell me, then. I’ve had enough of this mystery... In fact, I’ve had enough of all this non-sense.

He opened his mouth to start talking, but then the loud and desperate sound of the siren of the emergency medical service brigade broke the tense scene off. As we looked at the other end of the Grand Canal, we saw the yellow and orange ‘Ambulanza’ boat speeding up to our direction. They were flashing the colourful lights and blaring their way open on the opposite side, sweeping the other boats and gondolas away at their passage. It was certainly an emergency call.

- Let’s see what is happening. They are going in the direction of the trattoria. Jump in. Quick!

There was a big fuss around the place, with people running to one direction only. I jumped off the gondola and tried to come closer and see what it was. The ambulance paramedics were working on the curb of the ‘Calle Larga’ and lots of curious people were standing and talking about the old beggar woman who passed away, sitting by the sun, on the place she used to stay. The plastic bags were still there, sitting on the ground. The shawl, however, was not beside her. Not surprisingly I was still holding it in my hands. I looked at her face when they moved her and put her in the back of the ambulance and noticed her expression was of sheer tranquillity. I could not believe my eyes. I saw her going happily to the Canal just a few minutes before all alive and walking by his side.

There was no time for her to come back. How did she? How could she?

I asked someone what time it happened, and someone told me the woman was like sleeping, and nobody noticed until she fell ahead, unconscious, with her face hitting the ground. Then a passer-by woman shouted at the sight of the unconscious beggar lady and then the whole confusion began. That was early in the afternoon.

I tried to get even closer, but the security man did not allow me to do so. Then I said I had her shawl and wanted to return it. He looked at me with a funny face, as if he was doubting me, but finally allowed me to get in, when he saw the garment I showed him. I came closer and put the woollen scarf over her body, as if to protect her from the chilly weather. I could feel she was quite cold and probably dead for some time already.

But how…?

That was simply unlikely to have happened. That made no sense at all.  How could that be possible?

I looked around. He was not there. Where did he go?

***

He did not come back home that night. I got a text message, plain and direct, telling me he would have to sort something out and that he was not sure he would come back that night, that he was ok and that I should not worry.

As if I only could…

My mind was filled with dark thoughts, suspicion and anxiety. I had so many unanswered questions I could burst from inside out. I wanted answers. I needed answers. But most of all, I asked myself if I was ready for the answers I could have and that made me even more distressed. There were so many ‘what-ifs’ that I could not even fall sleep. My head was aching. But then exhaustion overcame my concern and my will and I fell asleep.

***

The gondola floated smoothly on the dusky waters of the channel, in the cold cellars of the old building. The old passenger sat in silence on the back of the boat, with his eyes fixed ahead, trying to see a trace of light sparkling in the dense darkness.

The echoes of the rowing oar striking the water was the only sound they could hear, while the trip lasted. The boat seemed to go on a curve and then they saw a hint of light flickering on the walls ahead. They were close. The old passenger felt a strange emotion hitting his stomach from inside. He was not afraid. He was ready… why would he be frightened? He closed his eyes.

The scent of French oak and stored aging wine filled his nostrils up with an unusual pleasure. He simply loved that smell. It reminded him of his younger times, when his soul was free and undaunted. His memory went back to the occasion when he was with his best friend in the wine cellars, the smiles, the subtle touching, the pretending they were paying full attention to the guide, when they were feeling the yearning, longing to be together again, and finally the wine tasting and the laughter, to end up in bed some minutes later, like teenagers rediscovering sex and love… He almost felt his body reacting to his lusty reminiscences.

He took a deep breath, feeling kind of emotional about his whole life, but suddenly straightened up again. There was no time for that nostalgia anymore.

The boat slowed down and finally came to a halt. The gondolier jumped out, tied it up and held out his hand to the passenger, who laid his arthritic fingers in the younger man’s palm. He did not smile. He simply looked at the other man’s face and firmly stepped out. The boat driver helped him out with a serious, but very kind expression on his face, showing there was no need to be afraid. The old passenger stood at the dock and waited. From where they were, they could hear the sound of sirens very far away, almost inaudible, but continuously. The two men exchanged their looks as another character walked out from the shadow he was hiding. His angular face was veiled by the wide brimmed hat and his thin muscular body covered by the dark cloak he was wearing.

- You must follow alone from this point on.

- I know.

***

I heard the door opening and then closing as he entered. It was late in the evening, but I was still awake. It was another sleepless night.  My heart was as restless as was my whole mind and soul.

I just wanted… I really did not know what I wanted anymore…

I was upset. I was angry. I was scared. I was feeling everything at the same time and my emotions were all mixed up and messed up. I wanted either to die or to kill…

- I did not expect you to be awake.

- What did you expect after all?

- I don’t if I know…

- Well, you know everything…

- Don’t be like that. You know that’s not true.

- I don’t think I know anything at all anymore. I’m here, all alone with my thoughts and fears and all this confusion in my mind. Where have you been? What have you done to me? You are stuck in my mind like an earworm and won’t leave me alone and in peace. And in the end, I don’t even know if I want you to leave me alone… I just want to feel safe and loved and alive…

I started crying. He came closer and held me. I wept like I was in such an unbearable pain. He kept his silence, respecting the agony my soul was in. And I was so afraid…

- I can feel your pain and I can feel your fear. Please don’t be frightened… There is nothing to be afraid of.

- How do I know?

- Trust me.

- How can I?

- A leap of faith?

- You’re always pushing me. I have given too much already. What have you given me?

I regretted saying that as soon as my words came out. The things we say when we are angry and anguished…

His face was serious. His eyes were distant. I knew that look very well.

- I’m sorry. I should not have said that. Forgive me, please. I’m out of control. Forgive me, please.

- You know I have tried to protect you…

- From what, for heaven’s sake?

- Do you remember the first time I asked you to take a leap of faith?

- Of course. I was so scared, but faced it, thanks to you…

 - Indeed. That was the first step. I wanted you to trust me and you did. Sex, as love, is more than just pleasure. It is about trust as well and it’s like dying and coming back to life again… Do you remember the second time I asked you to take another leap of faith?

- The day I fainted… yes…

- You did not faint.

- What do you mean? I fainted for sure… and I had that strange dream…

He took my hand and smiled kindly.

- You did not faint at all.

- You’re scaring me to death again.

He looked at my face, touched it lightly and said:

- I know, but that’s not what’s important now. Maybe it’s time to tell you the whole truth now.

I felt a sting in my chest. That was what I needed most, and I was so afraid of what he would tell me, at last.

‘Oh, sweetest! What do I do now?’

- Come with me. The Canal must be pretty quiet by now. It’s late and no one is working on the gondolas at this time of the evening. I’ll take you for the ride of truth… Your last leap of faith.

***

I followed him in silence through the dark streets to the Canal. He helped me in the gondola and we travelled in silence until we saw the old building and its passageway to the cellars. My heart was beating so fast, I could not even hear the sound of the rowing oar hitting the dark and silent waters. It was like in my dream, but it was not a dream anymore and I was so frightened… He did not look at me. Even if he did, I would not know, so dark it was. When we saw a hint of light ahead and the reflex of the waters dancing on the walls, my stomach hurt.

The boat was going slowly until it hit a small dock and he jumped out, mooring the rope to a metal bollard. He waited for me to get up and helped me out of the gondola, seriously, but kindly. If he could really read my mind, he would know how I was feeling.

He never asked me anything, just led me to the dock and stood by my side. An almost inaudible sound came from the darkness ahead and it was only then I noticed we were not alone.

The character that entered had a wide brimmed hat and his muscular body was covered by a dark cloak that went down to his ankles. His angular face was almost hidden by the shadow of the hat, but I could see he was very pale, although quite handsome.

He lifted his hand and with the palm facing up, reached out to me without touching me. Almost unconsciously, as in a trance, I stretched my hand, reaching out to touch his, but I was stopped in the middle of the way by my gondolier lover.

- No. Not yet… There is something I have to say first.

The other man turned to him and said, trying to contain his rage:

- This is not how it works, and you know that.

- This is how THIS works in this case. It’s either this or nothing.

- How do you dare? You work for me. You bring me the souls of the dying and you're not allowed to question the consequences. You know what will happen if you fail to deliver them…

- I do and I’m ready to face the consequences. If you want one soul now, then you must take me instead.

- I have yours already.

- Not completely. I am entitled to bring you the ones who are going to the other side, but this time I can’t do that.

- You can’t fight me. You know I can take you anytime to the other side. Not only you… that one too!

- Yes. I know. I just need to explain everything, and I need more time to do so. Please.

He had changed his approach, as if pleading. He was no longer the brave man facing his fears, but a negotiator, trying to gain some time from a powerful master…

- I see clearly now. You’re in love. You know how dangerous that is. You know how ill that lover of yours is… Nothing can change that. There is no more time to buy.

- There is one thing only...

Then the other man took my lover aside and they started arguing about something I could not clearly define what it was. For some reason, I could not hear what they were saying. The sounds seemed so unintelligible to me. 

When they came back, I felt my heart would burst. Then the man wearing the hat touched my face… and all the lights suddenly disappeared.

***

- I will be in the music you'll hear and that makes you sing, laugh or cry. I will be in the wind that caresses your face and body when you walk.  I'll be in the soul of the Canal... I'm giving my life away, so you can live. He wants one soul. He'll get mine...

- No. I cannot accept that.

- You have no choice. You’re no longer ill. You will not have those blackouts anymore… I traded everything I had for more time for you. But I’ve lost everything else and I still have to pay my part.

  

- I don’t want you to go back to him. There’s got to be a way.

- He will find me anywhere and anyway. I have no escape. This is how things are when Charon wants them. He always gets what he wants...

***

He was no angel. He was no devil. He was the one who traded everything he had... He sacrificed his body and soul away for love. He was taken in my place to the other side... forever... 

He is still in my mind, however, like an earworm, insistently playing. 

“Not really sure how to feel about it

Something in the way you move

Makes me feel like I can't live without you

It takes me all the way

I want you to stay… I want you to stay.” *

***

* From Rihanna's 'Stay'