- Are you afraid?
- I am.
- Of what? Of me?
- I will not answer that. It's not very fair...
He looked at me with an almost irresistible pleading
expression. I felt I had to tell him what was going on in my mind...
- Sometimes I'm afraid of my own demons ... I must not be doomed for that,
however, must I?
- There’s no need for fear. Relax and let yourself go. I have no intention
of causing you any harm.
- I wish it was that easy...
He chuckled. It was not sarcasm, however. It seemed
to be more for complacency than anything else. Maybe he wanted me to feel more
comfortable anyway. I knew, however, how hard it was to make myself at ease.
- Close your eyes.
- No way...
- Do not be afraid. I will not hurt you. I just want you to relax a bit.
Come on.
I obeyed, in spite of the apprehension I felt.
He touched my face, very lightly. I opened my eyes. He touched my eyelids very
softly and made me close them again.
- Shh... Calm down. Do not think of anything bad. I will not do anything
you do not want.
(‘That was the problem. What if I wanted it all? What if I wanted nothing
at all? What if I lose control? Oh, God!’)
He touched my cheeks, then rubbed his warm fingertips
on my earlobes, up my neck, and with the fingers through my hair, he slowly
massaged my scalp. Then he pulled my head a little backwards. I felt the heat
of his soft lips on my forehead, my eyes, my face and finally on the corner of
my mouth, brushing my lips, very lightly. I moaned. He kissed me very softly,
almost not touching my lips, which moved to respond to his touch.
- Shh... just let me kiss you.. Do not do anything... yet...
His voice was a whisper and I hardly discerned
the words, but understood the intention behind them. He kissed my chin, neck
and chest, then unbuttoned my shirt and pulled the fabric slightly to the side.
Goose bumps covered all the extension of my skin. He sought one of the most
sensitive parts of my body, which was already waiting for the heat of his mouth
and, not surprisingly, the tip of his tongue. He played there for a short while.
He then opened a few more buttons and kissed me a bit further down, turned a
little in the exploration and kissed me above and below the navel, moving down
slowly, rubbing my skin with his soft beard and causing me some strange
sensations. Every inch of my body was on alert, waiting for him to come further
down, but instead, he started do come up, kissing me through an imaginary line
drawn to the centre of my body, all the way up to my mouth, in what seemed to
me a time lag so hard to know whether it had been too long or too short.
His mouth was warm and his extremely soft lips were
pressing onto mine and, that time, allowing me to respond to their tepid contact.
He did not force more than that superficial touch and then he moved his mouth up
to my ear, whispering the words I already knew I was going to hear.
- Are you still afraid?
- I am...
He embraced me tenderly, allowing me to feel the
warmth of his body and waited until I wrapped my arms around his body and
relaxed. He then spoke again, very kindly.
- Do not be...
He looked me in the eyes as his hands buttoned
back the shirt he had opened a few minutes before. He kissed my eyes and then my
hands.
- Shall we go?
- Yes, please.
He turned the engine on and drove in silence along
the seaside avenue. The ocean was like a huge black cloak, shouting at me in a
language I did not understand, words I could not tell whether they were of alertness
or of incentive. My mind was a complete mess, in a whirlwind of feelings,
doubts and questions. He said no more than a few words all the way. Me neither.
When he left the avenue and took the direction
of a region that was not where we started, initially, I did not question
anything, did not make any comment, nor protested whatsoever. I pressed my hands
against each other in a kind of discomfort and looked out.
He put his hand over mine and smiled, saying
nothing. I tried to smile. Fortunately there was just a little light in the car
except when we passed by the street lighting, which would gradually and
constantly, give flashes of the strange faint expression, still stamped on my
face.
***
A ray of sunlight coming in through a gap between
the drapes hit hard my face and eyes. I tried to concentrate on what was around
me. My head was spinning and I was not really sure where I was. Although my
head hurt, I tried to focus my eyes on the surroundings. It was then that I
realized where I was and could recognize the room and the bed in which I was.
A knock on the door woke me up completely and at
once. I got up hastily and went to the door, opening it widely straightaway.
The maid looked at me with a funny expression, trying to look away from my
naked body.
- May I arrange the room?
- Um... Sure... Come in.
I hurried into the first door and locked it. I urgently
needed a shower. I still could not think of last night's details. I opened the tap
and went into the warm water, trying to rescue pieces of myself while soaping my
body with energy.
('Good
God,' I thought. 'What have I done?')
- Will you need more towels?
- Huh? No, thank you. I'm already leaving.
When I opened the door I had the towel wrapped
around my body. I hurried into the bedroom, while the maid entered the bathroom
to finish her chores. I hastened to dress and leave, before having another
meeting with the cleaning woman, who was whispering a song while she changed
towels, toiletries and mopped the floor. I slammed the door behind me and went
to the reception. The bill was already paid. The breakfast was still being
served, on the side of the reception hall, but I decided to leave without
eating.
My stomach was not well and my head still hurt
quite a lot. At the door, I called a taxi to take me back home, trying to
concentrate in recovering the very fuzzy details in my memory, despite having passed
only a few hours since we had come to that place.
(‘Concentrate! What have you done?’)
I closed my eyes. I needed to remember. I could not
recall having had any kind of blackout like that ever before in my life.
‘What was
preventing me to remember?’ I asked myself over and over, but could not find
any answer.
We arrived at my destination, without my
noticing the way we had come through. The taxi driver told me the fare and I
rushed to reach the wallet from my pocket to pay him. Along with the few notes
in the front compartment, I noticed there was a folded piece of paper with the
hotel's letterhead, which I was absolutely sure not to have placed it there. I
paid the man and crossed the wide sidewalk.
My hand was tucked in my coat pocket, holding
firmly the folded parchment. My anxiety was preventing me to think logically.
The damn elevator was probably stuck in some floor and took forever to come
down, as if to make fun of my despair and confusion. I tried hard not to show any
apprehension to the other people standing in front of the metallic sliding
doors.
When I finally entered the apartment, I urged to
take my hand out of the pocket and unfold the paper. There was a small message
written in a calligraphy that I already knew. My eyes fell on the letters and
the words, which did not seem to make much sense at first glance.
- What the hell...!?
