- It must be at least the third time you hear this same song over and over. You’re staring out and beyond that window and across the sea for some time already.
- Oh. I’m sorry. I have not realized...
- Are you homesick?
I felt a strange and unexpected, but familiar sting, piercing my chest.
- Nostalgic, perhaps...
- Any regrets?
She came closer and touched my shoulder from behind. I turned around and looked right into those eyes I knew very well. They looked greener and brighter with the daylight coming through the window. Her pupils dilated when our eyes met and I knew very well what that meant.
I reckon I am, most of the times, a very difficult person to deal with and once I have taken a decision, I hardly ever turn back or show any sign of regret. Perhaps I simply have learned, with life, how to become a somewhat gloomy man.
- I never have regrets... My heart is still the same as always, so there is no reason for any regrets. I'm practically the same as before... as and when you met me.
- I no longer know if you are the same as before. You were so free and so wild...
- Like the wind…
- Like the song repeats endlessly...
- As my head keeps on repeating endlessly...
And I got carried away by the caring memories...
***
- Who would ever need to be alone for so long?
I laughed. I admitted that I really spent plenty of time alone but I always needed that like the air I breathed. I did not expect anyone to understand, just to accept it. I knew she was just being confrontational, so I said:
- Me!
- You are yourself so unorthodox.
- Unorthodox? Who in perfect sense still uses this kind of word nowadays?
- I'm not going to discuss it or try to understand... either you or your insanities! And don’t make fun of my unorthodox way of speaking.
She said it laughing, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. She knew I was a lost battle and she did not want nor would fight for something she could not win. But she knew how to go around situations when she wanted something. I was a challenge to her powers of persuasion and creativity. And she loved challenges... especially the difficult ones.
The song played on the car CD player and I tried my best baritone voice to sing the well-known verses, along with the velvet and always amazing voice of the known singer.
She looked at me, looking somewhat puzzled, but said nothing else. She must have thought something really atrocious, but she just ended up laughing at my attempt to be a "cool" singer... I stopped singing and kept on humming and whispering the notes and a few words here and there, almost resisting the urge to sing as loudly as I could. She turned to the other side, as if enjoying the scenery, but I figured out that she was trying at all costs, to hold the laughter.
'How many people can value the power to make another smile? At least she is enjoying herself, even if it is at my expense’, I thought...
A wide view of the ocean opened up ahead of us when the car started going down the steep hill. The main road led to a secondary pathway which snaked down to the seaway, where a narrow dirty road hid one of our favourite beach spots.
***
We had become inseparable friends above all, from the time we were studying at the University. Either the small or the great adventures were part of what our friendship was all about.
We used to have long discussions about our favourite books, which we read one after the other, in spite of being in a very technical course. Details and preferred parts, as well as our own interpretations of the intentions behind the words were also themes of our lengthy conversations. Music, movies and food... everything was notably part of our history. She had every Alice Cooper and Supertramp records. I was a fan of Bowie and Led Zeppelin and made a huge effort to save some money and complete my own collection.
We used to wander, wherever we could, almost aimlessly, around the country... even with little money, which was the best and riskier part of our adventures.
We were in company of each other whenever we could and people wondered if there was more than just a friendship between us. Some of them dared to ask us about it. We always denied it. In the end, we felt that going beyond that point could spoil our so innocently cultivated friendship. Time would show that our fear was completely unfounded.
We were always going together to the beach, the country side, or anyplace else. Nothing was too small for us to face, not big enough to stop us. We were like wild horses, free and adventurous. We were like seagulls, always ready to fly high and far, with eyes so far beyond the horizon, full of life and adrenaline.
- Do you think our friendship will ever cool down?
- Why worry? I like what we have... despite the adventures and our craziness, I feel it is so placid. Who can afford the luxury of being with one person and need not say anything, for long minutes and still seem to have said so much?
- I know.
She was silent for a moment, looking at the blue and white brushstroke sky, through the leaves and the long overhanging branches of the huge willow, planted around the lake, opposite to the University library. We lay on the lawn, side by side without touching one another. It was our favourite place, away from everyone and everything.
- It's all very intense, but...
- What worries you? Do you fear anything can happen and change this?
- I think it's already happening...
I turned around and looked at her, worried about what she would say, feeling a sudden discomfort rising in my chest.
- What do you mean?
- What if someone showed up in my life and wanted more than friendship from me?
- If that would make you happy...
She looked at my face.
- And if that changed what we have now? I don’t want to lose your friendship.
- It will not change anything. Unless we allow it to. And we won’t, will we?
A pale ray of light hit her blond hair framing her round face with a strange light. Her eyes looked bigger and brighter. She looked me in the eye. Her pupils dilated, almost covering those unusual iris, so green then with the bright sunlight.
- I'm afraid of losing it...
In a foolish rush of insanity, I came closer to her and for once in such a long time, I felt that she shuddered and stopped. A strange feeling filled me up. Before I realized, my lips were on hers and our arms were wrapped around each other’s bodies.
It was a simple, affectionate kiss, not exactly sexy. But both of us realized it was a sign of a great change in us and an important milestone to that friendship.
We said nothing, just moved away from each other, looking at different sides. I lay down on the grass again and closed my eyes. I thought I messed it all up. What went on through my head? She had just spoken about another man and of a possible relationship and I made that senseless and inconvenient blunder...
'I’m such a stupid man!'
I cursed my tactless attitude, now afraid of having put everything to lose. My eyes were still closed and feeling ashamed, I said:
- I apologize. I…
I gasped. The words just did not come out. I covered my face with my hands. I felt so bad. What if she hated me, from then on, to spoil the beauty of our friendship?
The wind blew over the overhanging branches of the tree around us. It was like the wind of change, signalling the end of our innocence...
I was feeling sad and helpless, unable to face her or make the time go back, even if it were only for a few seconds...
That was when I felt she was much closer to me than I thought. Her lips touched mine gently, but that time with more sensuality than when I forced the first kiss.
Without much thinking, I surrendered to that touch, awkwardly at first, but I relaxed my defences and gave my body and soul in to it, right there, in the shade of the willow tree, whose leaves and branches hid us from the world that turned around us, unconscious of what was happening in that tiny piece of protected universe...
***
- Has it been that long?
- Since that day?
I nodded, a bit sad and thoughtful.
- Of course.
- Remember how people used to envy what we had? We were so close to each other…
- Until that day...
- Leave the past back where it belongs. We have made so many mistakes and have fixed some, somehow... Let’s not think about it anymore.
I came up and looked into her eyes, as I used to do so often before that. She still had that spark that ignited when our eyes crossed.
I wondered for what reason we had left the fear intervene in what there was between us.
So long… so much lost... two kisses, twice the same mistake... and that friendship, once so innocent, spoilt by the heat of the moment and a sense of misplaced and inconvenient guilt... that separated us for too long.
Our lives went on in separate ways, as they should go. Two marriages, two divorces... one of each... so much story to tell or to be forgotten...
My divorce had been so long past, I could not even remember what it was like to live with someone again. I was back to being the lonely and wild man, living by my own rules and keeping myself distant from relationships and people...
Who could say, however, that the same song, after all that time, would bring us together once again?
***
