I had been standing by the bar counter for a
long time, cursing my own decision to force myself and leave home and get some distraction to my very skimpy social life. I should have certainly gone to the movies. At
least I was safer and, undoubtedly, less bored. Where I was at the time I felt
completely out of my natural environment. Less than an hour in that pub and I
knew I would never make such a feat again. I definitely did not belong to that
environment.
A large amount of people
drinking, talking and laughing loudly were crowding the galleries. They seemed to enjoy themselves, mainly probably due to the effect of alcohol. I, however, from my side, was feeling pretty uncomfortable. That was a place that
in my youth I would have attended, spontaneously and often, not only for the
environment style, but especially for the good taste of the DJ’s musical selection.
The music, in fact, had been the only reason I
had not had gone off the pub, vowing never to come back again. The classics of the 70s,
80s and 90s played endlessly and prevented me to hurry out. Despite the poor
visibility, one could see that the designer had devoted special attention to
the sober and careful vintage decoration, taking care of every little detail.
There was a small dance floor, opposite the bar
where the lights seemed to have been dimmed and a group of people was rehearsing
video clip steps amid the glowing coloured reflections of a hypnotic mirrored globe
that spun above the heads of the dancers.
- Oh, I love this
song. Do you dance?
- No way! I do not
dance.
- Will you ruin this occasion
for fear of dancing?
My answer was automatic, almost a defensive
reflex of denial.
I turned around to see who was talking like
that, almost intimately with me. The voice sounded familiar, but I did not recognize
the face immediately. A green eyed middle-aged woman was looking up at me. Her
fair hair, tied up into a ponytail, left her almost rounded face and lovely
features completely exposed. She had a charming glint in her eyes and when she opened that broad and spontaneous grin, I had the impression she knew me forever.
It was that smile that made me recognize her too
after all that time. To my own amazement I then realized I had no doubt who she
was.
I said to myself:
Time has been very good to her! She looks so full
of life and so peaceful...
She pretended not to notice my surprise and
before I reacted, she grabbed my hand and dragged me to the dance floor, making
way through the people who were laughing and talking almost louder than the
music that was playing and were overcrowding the long and almost dark corridor.
- Oh, come on. Relax. Just let yourself be driven
by the music.
She whispered that in my ear, causing me a strange
effect. I felt somewhat comfortably alright in spite of having my muscles,
especially the hips and legs, quite tense as I had not danced for a very long time
and felt the whole body aching.
- Just be here and stay with me… entirely. Open
the door to your heart.
- How could I, if I had lost the key... such a
long ago...
- Don’t worry. I’ve found it…
And she hugged me tightly, like one who finds
an old and dear friend, who has long not seen.
Regardless of feeling my legs and hips tense due
to an evident lack of practice, I allowed myself swing with the music, embraced
her delicate body with my arms crossed at her soft back and said nothing else. I
just allowed myself be taken by the sound and the irresistible charm of the
song. She laid her head on my chest and for a moment I thought she looked very
small and fragile in there.
I had the feeling that woman needed to be there
in that embrace, sheltered and protected from everything either good or bad.
For a moment I forgot where I was and all that went up around us. A clear
reminder of the willow which used to protect us from the world, went through my
mind and I chuckled. She realized it and asked me:
- What was it?
- I just summoned up a vision of the willow in
front of the library...
- Me too.
She hugged me tighter, as if afraid that I would
go away. I pressed my body against hers as if wishing that time would stop
running...
***
- Let's go to the beach, as we used to do in
our good old times?
- Do you think that place still exists?
- It must be very different now, but things do not
change place... or do they?
- Some might... I think… but we will only know
for sure if we go there and see for ourselves.... Like when we used to when we were
young and untamed...
I frowned. I no longer felt a young lad anymore
for a long time. She laughed at me. I loved the way she laughed.
- Come on... Time has been good to us. We cannot
complain much.
She was quite right. We still
had so much life ahead of us and although mature and reasonably successful in
our careers, we were still full of plans and energy.
- In my car or yours?
***
The sea was calm, in that constant back-and-forth
movement of the waves washing the sand, insistently, but knowing that little
could be done to change something. My soul was peaceful and my mind almost empty
of that friendly sorrow that used to fill me up lately. The melodious voice of
Bowie overflowed the room and my memories with a good dose of nostalgia. My
eyes and my thoughts were wandering with no strings attached, far away in time
and space. The wind, blowing though the long bamboo trees made they sway,
hypnotically, and I let myself go, loose and quietly, into my own memories, in
a kaleidoscope of images and emotions.
- Are you homesick?
- Nostalgic, perhaps...
I felt the gentle touch of her long pale and
delicate fingers on my shoulder and turned, fixing my gaze onto hers...
The music took over my head and the space
around us. The words we exchanged made much less sense than the verses of the
song that played at least for the third consecutive time, in the same sequence.
I felt very emotional and so did she.
...'For we're like
creatures in the wind
And wild is the wind,
Wild is the wind'... *
***
I told her that I was still the same as before,
but I knew that statement was far from the whole truth. I no longer felt wild in
a long time. The many twists and turns that life has taken made me a cynical
man either of the people or their good intentions. I avoided taking risks that
were not well calculated or with tangible predictability. The only remnant of
the rebellion of my youth was my stubbornness... a lot more than what was typically
expected from the advancing of age...
What had I done to my life? Was it enough to assume
that my dreams and opportunities should be left aside on behalf of a greater
good? How many dreams have I given up to without at least having tried, over my
lifetime? How many of my talents were wasted, for letting myself being too
involved by my job commitments and by relationships that stifled my true self?
Where was that young and fearless adventurer of other times?
I frowned when another song pierced my memory
and my heart mercilessly, causing an uncontrollable reaction in me.
'Will you see that I'm scared and I'm lonely?'...**
I closed my eyes trying to control the tears...
but it was in vain.
She walked to the computer, put another song to
play on and held my hand as if she had not noticed the growing conflict within
me and pulled me against her, nestling herself in the middle of a hug. To my
ear, she spoke softly:
- Let us not make plans. Let us be as wild and
free like the wind...
I felt my body shudder and said nothing. Just
kissed her head, in a loving and spontaneous gesture.
...'Don’t you know you're life itself?'... *
- Care to dance?
- Of course!
***
* Wild is the Wind (David Bowie Station to
Station -1976)
** Sweet Thing (David Bowie Diamond Dogs -
1974)
